Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Breaking Point.....

Yep, I've hit my breaking point. I have fallen on my knees and asking for help.


Since I feel like I have to defend my self let me explain. My husband works in a retail store. He works upstairs in the office but they are still operational from 9am-9pm. For many years he only worked 4 days, 2 of them would be ALL DAY LONG and 2 8 hour shifts, one from like 9-5 and the other from like noon-9. So at least 4 days a week he was home in the evenings with us.

Fast forward....he got a really good position (YEAH!!) and finally NO WEEKENDS (YEAH!!!) but he works Monday - Friday from 1230pm till 9pm (UGH!!) The kids are in school till around 330pm then it's all with mommy - every night, all night...until daddy walks in about 915pm. At that point I pretty much tell him they are all his, he talks to them for about 5 minutes, tucks them in and that's that.

My part is waaaaay more fun. I get to get them off the bus, homework, chores, dinner, my chores (UGH), showers, quality time (ha, yeah right, I have no idea what that is during the week), errands, etc. I think you get the picture. I have to deal with all the drama that ensues our house every single night. All the fighting, crying, screaming. I deal with trying to get them to do homework and read with each kid, dinner and clean up, and just plain ole clean up of the house.

I am so tired. I am so tired of being in charge. Somedays I just want to pee without someone asking me questions like "What's for dinner?", "can I have a snack?", "where to clouds come from?", "is there a Santa in heaven?". Every single time I go to the bathroom one of the kids asks questions or fighting starts. Just like every single time I get on the phone one of them decides to act a fool.

I am just tired. I am stressed. I need a break. I feel horrible for it. I really do. I feel like crying, well, I am crying. I cry because I am so stressed. I cry because a "good" mom could handle all this stress. I mean, they are MY kids. I choose to have them. I should take responsibility right??? Ugh.

I am pissed because society wants me to believe all this crap. AND I DO!! That's the worst part. It doesn't matter how many times I tell myself that it's ok to have a break once a week, I still feel so guilty when it happens. Just like when Matt and I finally had a honeymoon only 6 years after we got married. We went to Vegas for 4 days and left the kids here with a VERY trustworthy and awesome sitter. I can't tell you the amount of people who felt like they needed to tell us how wrong that was. Seriously. "oh, I could never leave my children behind while I go on vacation", "you made them spend Spring Break at home while you and Matt took vacation?" - YEP, I heard so many comments like that. UGH.

Whatever. I am so tired of having to defend myself. I'm not perfect. My kids drive me so insane. I need a break. Judge me all you want.  I'm stressed. I'd rather take a few hours to myself (pretty much just to run errands or clean the house while someone else is in charge of them)

I think my kids would rather me be smiling and happy to see them then constantly yelling about pretty much everything.

Well, I think I am done venting for the moment. I posted on Facebook about needing help one or two days a week for a couple hours at night. I really hope someone takes me up on the offer. **fingers crossed and praying**


Missy said...

Now boarding, the 12:30 bus to Reality Town. Welcome to the real world.

Kudos to you for spilling your guts and being honest. I am so sick of mommies spewing about how wonderful life with their kids is. It has it's moments of gratification. But mostly, it's freaking hard.

Cut yourself some slack. You do need a break. Any mom out there who says she doesn't is either lying or a Zombie, in which case, Off with her head.