Monday, September 28, 2009

Just trying to listen...

I am listening to the rain come down right now. It is the most peaceful sound at times.

I feel like my last couple posts have been such Debbie Downers. I am trying to get a new way of thinking.

Today at church I helped out in the nursery and got to hold a new born baby.It's been almost 3 years since I have done that. He just laid there staring at me. He was so innocent and peaceful. Then he fell asleep on my chest and I didn't want to give him up when his mom came for him.

I miss that. I miss the innocence. I look at my own childhood and I look at my children and I realized I am stripping them from their innocence.

I don't want to be mean, I don't want to yell. I want to be the loving, caring mom that I have always dreamed of.

I mean, it's stressful. Emma is getting so big and she is learning life everywhere she turns. I want to protect her from the hurt and sadness that is coming. I recently learned that her father and step mom got divorced. They didn't tell anyone and they are still living together. I may or may not have gotten on to our county's public records to find out this info. (What else am I gonna do at 430 am??) I know her pain is coming. My heart breaks for her. She has already had to go through the divorce of her father and I and that was really bad. I just know it's coming.

The boys, Landon and Chase are driving me crazy. I know that it's because they are so close (11 months apart) and they are almost 4 and 3. It's just that they fight all the time. ALL THE TIME. I wish I could explain to them that by them fighting they are just hurting them selves.

I want my kids to to be happy. And for the most part, I think they are.

The main thing is - I LOVE MY KIDS and would give anything for them. I do recognize my problems and I am slowly working on them.

I just don't want them to grow up and write blogs abut how messed up there mom was, just like I do. I want them to grow up thinking they had the best childhood a kid could ask for. I want them to grow up and give everything they have to their own kids.

I am working on, it just takes time. But I don't have too much time.....

Friday, September 11, 2009

I just want to go home.....

Update: I wrote this about a month ago and was trying to decide to post it, well I am, so here it is. All the craziness you can handle....

Seriously, I can't. I feel like so much is slipping away. I feel like I am losing my mind. What is going on? I feel so out of it. Like I am dreaming, like I am watching a Lifetime movie.

My kids drive me nuts and dare I say it, but are bad most of the time. I get so flustered. All Landon seems to do is throw HUGE screaming tantrums, hit his siblings and try to steal food. I woke up Tuesday and came to hang with the kids and Chase had a bite mark the size of a quarter on his arm. I WAS PISSED!! What the heck was Landon thinking??? I totally screwed this kid up and I can't figure out how to fix him!! Matt and I even went to a therpist because his behavior is sooooo bad. We got some good tips but nothing to fix him. And I know what I am about to say will prolly not win me mother of the year, but sometimes I don't like him. Don't get me wrong, I love all my children and would do absolutley anything for them, but there are days where I could pack him stuff up and put him on the corner with a for sale sigh attached to his shirt. I know that prolly makes me a horrible parent but I am tired. I am tired of all the fighting, all the screaming. I'm just so tired. I feel like I am out of options. Landon has his first day of preschool Tuesday which was the day of the biting and today was his second day. And he totally treated me like crap in front of 143 cheerleaders and the parents.

I know your prolly thinking how a 3 year can treat you like crap. Well, I was standing there listening to the director give annoucements and I told the boys they could go play in the grassy area. And before long I hear Chase screaming, look over and Landon's beating the crap out of him. I run over there, yell quietly and put them both in time out and Landon starts screaming, and I mean SCREAMING "YOU DON'T TELL ME THAT" "YOU DON'T HIT ME" (which I didn't, cause I NEVER hit in public for fear that someone will freak out and call children services) and he screamed a bunch more things and of course everyones looking at me. It was AWFUL.

My marriage is hard (yes folks, I know marriage is hard, but the second time around and we are having issues one begins to think that is it herself who has the problems) And yes, I truly think I am the cause of all this. I keep thinking, if I could just get my crap together everything would be fine.

I am a mess. I spend money we don't have ( I have impulse control folks) I am dieting and I keep cheating, not bad cheating, but I am. I am letting down a god friend who put this whole weight loss plan together. It took her alot of time and I am letting her down. I just don't have the motivation. I know I am fat and I know I want to lose weight, I need to lose weight, but I don't want to do any of the work.

In a nut shell, I am just not happy. I am so sad with my life right now and I keep getting further down. I cry all the time. And not little cries but full blown melt downs. I have done it in front of the kids a few times but I try to keep it to my self. I will take a shower and sit on the tub floor and just bawl.

What the heck is wrong with me? One good way to explain how I am feeling is " I want to go home" I know it prolly makes no sense but that's how I feel, I just want to go home. I have no idea what that means but that's what I am yearning for. I want to go home.

I know I need help but help cost money and well I have a problem with money. I wuold rather spend money on "things". I want to see what I buy. Even if it's food or diapers, I can see what I spent money on. That's why bills and doctors suck. I can't see. It's just money wasted.

I am taking anti depressants but really don't think it's working. I have been on it for a month, so I do need to give it a little longer, but come on, I have taken sooooo many drugs, I am not sure a Celexa is going to fix this. I was on Lithium, Depekote and Serequel and I still wasn't better. And those are hard core drugs.

I have a feeling that I am going to die from this mental illness. Please don't take that wrong, but that's the truth. I may make it to 85 years old but I think in the end it's going to be this crazy head of mine that kills me. It feels good to put these crazy feeling out there. It feels good to let loose. To tell the truth. I haven't told the truth in so long, I'm not even sure what it is sometimes. I just keep telling my self that I'm ok even though we all know I'm not. I truly believe I have serious depression issues. I hate calling them mental health issues even though that's what I write.

I don't understand why I can help so many other people but I can't help my self. At work that's all I do. I am CRISIS INTERVENTION SPECIALIST!!! That's all I do is help people who are in crisis. And at church I work with children who parents are going through divorce. How come I can help them but I can't help myself??

I'm not sure I'll ever really post this but it was nice to write it all down.....

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

The Post Where I Tell To Much of the Truth

Yeah, I really do.

I have had mental health issues for as long as I can remember.

It has everything to do with the way I grew up and all the mental health issues that run in my family.

My childhood was 85% bad and 15% good. The good parts was all the time I spent with my grandparents. They kept me a lot when I was little, probably up until the age of 11 or 12. That's when I started hanging out with friends a lot more and heading down a horrible road.

I had sex for the first time at age 12, it was October of 1992 and it was with an 18 year old boy and it was a one night stand. Also at age 12 I had been smoking cigarettes for about 2 years, I had my first experience with alcohol. A fifth of Fire Water. Yum. I got so sick. I had alcohol poisoning. My mom bought the bottle to celebrate her graduation from her DUI classes. Right there should tell you how my child hood went.

From grades 4-7, my house was a non stop party place. My mom would have so many people over all the time. They were drinking, smoking pot and I am quite sure there was many illegal drugs involved.

I remember having to put furniture in front of my bedroom door so me and my sister could sleep safely without worrying that a stranger was going to come in the room.

When I was 11 I caught the gay man that was living with us having sex on our couch.

When I was 12 I was molested by my mothers 24 year old boyfriend. And still to this day my mother will not accept it. When I told her, I got in so much trouble. I have learned to keep my mouth shut around her.
I remember when I was about 10, my mom pushing me so hard my heels made an indent in the wall.

I remember having to go to friends houses or my grandma's house just to eat. But if you ask my mom, she will tell you that we always had food on the table.

I remember stealing from the Dairy Mart because I was so hungry and my friends were sick of me eating there food and I couldn't get to my grandma's house.

I remember calling Children Services numerous times and them coming out to investigate and leaving finding nothing. If nothing, my mother is one heck of a liar. She lies so much that she actually believes her own lies.

I remember running away, the police brought me back, and about half hour later I asked my mom if I could go to a friends house and she let me. She just didn't care.

I remember was I was 7 we were having a yard sale. My dad came home in his red truck and he was drunk and he started to physically fight with my mom in the front yard while all kinds of strangers watched.

I remember the few times my dad actually came and picked us up. It was always the same bowling at Coloniel Lanes then Dairy Queen at Six Corners, then home.

I remember one of the last times I saw my dad. Christmas Eve of 1999. At Fancy Dans donut shop. My sister was working and my dad asked that we all meet him there. He showed up in dress clothes, a leather vest and really nice black cowboy looking boots. He gave us each a card with $50. After that, I saw him September 2007 while he was living at the Haven Of Rest, a local homeless shelter.

I remember is high school, sleeping with so many boys. I just wanted to feel needed. I needed to feel pretty. I needed for someone to love me and not reject me. I needed someone not to leave. But they always did. Always. And if they didn't leave, I would cheat on them because I knew they were eventually going to leave.

I remember ruining my first marriage because of trust issues. My ex husband and I never talked. We drifted apart. I prepared my self for him leaving, that he actually did. My ex was a good person. He never hit me, never got nasty with me. Granted, after I asked for a separation, he did cheat on me and get some one else pregnant. And all I thought was "see, score one for me, I knew it, I knew it, no matter what, he was probably going to leave anyways".

I am not trying to get anyone to feel sorry for me or anything like that. I have some issues that I am working through and I am a mess. A freakin mess. I thought I was doing really well then I had to see my mother this past weekend. Being in her house made me so uncomfortable. My memories came rushing back. The pain, the sadness, the regret, it all came back.

I had a crappy childhood and I have to constantly work to make my kids childhoods good. I have to break the cycle. I need to be a good mom. But you know what, I don't always know how. I find myself resorting to things my mom used to do and I find my self talking to my kids like she used to talk to me. My kids deserve better then that. I am trying, I really am. I want to be a good mom. I want to give my kids all the things that my mom and dad could not give me.

But being in that house took me 20 steps back. I have been sad and depressed since Saturday. I am angry. I am angry because she still thinks we had this wonderful childhood. She still thinks we had food on the table. She thinks I was a virgin until high school. She thinks her boyfriend was not a child molester. Sometimes I really think I hate her. Sometimes I wonder how I would feel if she died. Would I cry? Would I really care?

She barely knows my kids names. She still calls Landon "Logan" sometimes. She has only been to one birthday party for the boys. And that was Landon's first birthday. He will be 4 this year and Chase will be 3. She has been to 3 of Emma's parties but she will be 8 this year.

I feel dumb. I have tears streaming down my face as I write this. I thought I was ok. I thought I was ok. My heart hurts. I just want to be done with this. I want to be done thinking of my childhood. I want to be done being upset with my mother and father.

I don't know what I hope to get out of this post. I guess I just needed to say some things and just get it out of my head. Which is what a blog is for right?