Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Just need to vent for a sec.....

Life is sucky right now...just plain sucky.

I am feeling so overwhelmed with things right now.

I feel like everything is catching up to me.

I feel like I am going to fall and fall hard.

I am so angry right now. I am angry at everything. All I want to do it sit in bed and eat.

These past few months have been a trying time for me and my family. We lost our house, moved, my dad died, fighting with family and now another event has totally set me back in my recovery from the abuse I endured as a child. I am not able to openly speak about it yet but as soon as I can, believe me, I am going to be writing and writing.

I feel so trapped and helpless. I am trying to rely on God right now. I have been praying and praying for relief from these feelings but I think the devil has a tight grip on me right now.

I feel myself slipping further down each day. I think I am going to lose it.

I need help but don't know where to turn. I am ashamed and embarrassed to talk to my friends at church. I feel like I will be judged and they will look down on me.

I feel like I am going to be called crazy. I feel crazy. I feel lost. I feel empty.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Ocean City Vacation Part 1

Yes, we celebrated my 30th birthday and our family vacation the same week.

The beach / ocean / family were completely awesome. We stayed with my cousins who live about 5 miles from Ocean City, MD ***score*** (saved us sooooo much on a hotel).

We spent a lot of time at the beach and Assateague Island. I am going to take you a short (possibly long) recap of our week.

Sunday 645am – leave for the beach!! Drive was long but great. The kids did wonderful. 445pm – Arrive at Kim and Dave’s house! We finally made it. We stayed in for dinner and had spaghetti and garlic bread. We let the kids play with their cousins and have some fun. Matt and I ended up going to bed around 10pm.

Monday – BEACH DAY!! We got to the beach around 830am. Landon and Emma took to the beach right away..Chase on the other hand spent the entire time in the sand approx 10 ft from any water at all. Poor kid….he just sat there all day playing in a huge sand box and it was HOT!
Emma for pinched by a horseshoe crab within the first hour. She was in the ocean and said she had her hands on the ocean floor and something pinched her. And she had the blood to prove it. She spent the next 20 minutes screaming and crying…typical Emma.
Landon was born for the beach. He had no fear. The cutest thing from Monday was that he had a bunch of shells and he was starting to bury them. He said he was hiding them so he could come back tomorrow and get them. So cute, so innocent…then about 10 minutes later he forgot where they were and freaked out…oh well.
Monday night we headed out ALONE to celebrate my 30th birthday. My cousins were soooo nice and kept my kids for us. Matt and I headed down to the Ocean City Boardwalk. We walked around and got some souvenirs a.k.a. my birthday presents and we had dinner at Hooters. Beach food always makes me nervous. I want to try new places but never sure if it will taste good and priced right, so Hooters it was. We walked on the beach a little and headed back home where we hung out with my cousins for awhile.

Tuesday – Assateague Island Day. It was about a 15 minutes drive from the house. The waves were huge and beautiful. Chase sat on the sand and played all day. Emma and Landon spent the day in the water. Landon was getting braver by the minute. At one point he actually let Matt carry him out into the ocean. And of course a huge wave came and crashed right on top of them. Matt threw Landon towards shore and Matt got knocked down. Everyone was ok but Landon as done at that point with the ocean and Matt’s expensive sunglasses were now washed away in the ocean. We joked with the kids about a shark wearing daddy’s glasses. We packed up and drove around Assateague for a while trying to look and for wild horses. We found a bunch. We let the kids out of the car to look at them and of course I took a ton of pictures.
After getting home and getting cleaned up and Kim and Dave got home, we headed out to the boardwalk again but this time with all the kids!! We had dinner at Tony’s Pizza on a rooftop restaurant that overlooked the boardwalk and ocean. It was so awesome. The kids liked all the people and all the snacks. Emma got a few posters for her room. Then we headed home…..the kids crashed out before we even got home…the really long 10 minute drive.

Wednesday – Today we decided to do something a little different. We went to Frontiertown. It was this “huge” waterpark with all these waterslides, kiddie pool and mini golf. After paying $54 for all of us we get in and there were 3 slides, a lazy river and a decent size kiddie pool….RIP OFF! We stayed and we swam and we played. Landon was just tall enough to go down the waterslides by him self and you better believe he did. He did not want mommy or daddy going with him. And we only lost the kids twice…yep…twice. One would run to the lazy river, one would be in the kiddie pool and the other would be heading towards the slides. We had to sit them down and explain why they just couldn’t take off like that. And then the rain came and we got outta there.
We decided to go back to the house and clean up and do some outlet shopping! Fun for me, bad for the little boys. They were AWFUL! They just wanted to go back to the house and watch TV.
We stayed in for dinner and had homemade Philly Cheese Steaks and pasta salad (kids had mac n cheese of course) then off to the really fun stuff.
The kids have been begging the moment we arrived and saw all Dave’s fishing poles; they really wanted to go fishing. So Dave got everything ready and we set off for some fishing and some crabbing. The crabbing was so much fun and all the kids enjoyed it. We drove to somewhere in the bay area, parked our cars on the side of the road and set up shop. We tied string to raw chicken legs and threw them out in the bay and we caught a TON of crabs. We could only keep 3 because they have to be a certain size in order to keep. Landon actually caught one of the three!! I was so proud of him and I think he was a little proud of himself.
After we had caught 3 crabs and done a little fishing the bugs were out in full force and 3 of the 5 kids we had with us were throwing fits so we headed back home and put them all to bed. The adults had a good time staying up late talking about the past and family things.

Thursday – Ocean City Beach!! Dave and my little cousin Vincent came with us on this day. Chase of course sat on his sand. Emma, Landon and Vincent played in the ocean on the boogie boards and had a great time. We went home, cleaned up and took some naps. I was getting stuff ready for the next day (leaving for Washington DC in the morning). Kim brought home HUGE steaks for dinner so we had that for dinner. Dave cooked up the crabs from the night before and one of Dave’s friends brought over some more crabs, so my hubby sure got him fill of crabs.
Friday – Packed up and got ready to head to Washington DC….to be continued….The Most Horrible Trip to the Nation’s Capital