Inner Demons

Ever since I have started this blog I decided that it is an open book. I have always been this way. You want to know something, just ask. Most people can tell how I am doing just by looking at me. I tend to wear my emotions on my face. it's just the way I am.

There are not many subjects I don't disclose on here. I won't talk about my ex husband and there is another part of my life I will not talk about. It's not for public eyes.

Most of you know that when I am going through something I publicly take it on. I announce it out loud. Part of me thinks it helps to hold myself accountable knowing that people actually know what I am going through.

So here it is.....

Let me start from somewhere in the beginning.

I like to drink alcohol. Lots of it. A ton of it. When I start I don't like to stop. A few years ago I saw this become a problem. I told the ladies in my bible study one night. That night I quit drinking. I did so so good. I even got to the point where I was able to become a social drinker. Just have one or two with some friends or hubby and call it a night. It was going so well.

Well, then my grandma passed away this past January. That's when this all started.

I have been going down the rabbit hole since then. Just deeper and deeper. When it seems I finally have my head above water I start drowning again. I can't seem to stay afloat right now.

I have been going through this major circle. Basically here it is:

I get depressed.
Either I eat or drink.
I feel more depressed. Worthless. Ashamed. I let everyone around me down. I keep failing.
Gets more depressed.
Binge eat and / or dink.
Blah blah blah......I'm pretty sure you get the circle now.

So now I basically eat and drink all the time. And I want it. I want it so bad. Sometimes I can taste liquor in my mouth. Even writing this my mouth is beginning to water.

Any who......I hit a wall Friday night. A big wall. I have NEVER had a problem walking in the grocery store past the liquor / beer section. Never. Until this past Friday. I saw this really pretty bottle of wine and I was like a pregnant lady having craving. I HAD TO HAVE IT. No joke. I tried walking away. I would turn the cart around to go get it, half way through I would turn back away. I did this a good three times. Then I caved. I got it. I was smiling ear to ear. I paid for my stuff went home and had the whole bottle gone in about 45 minutes. Yeah. That's a problem. Seriously. Do I need a babysitter at the grocery store now????? I failed again.

So most of the day Saturday I spent very angry with my self. I was mad, boiling mad a lot of the day. Since we spent most of our day with friends, I had to put a smile on my face and act like nothing is wrong. Honestly I have been doing it so much lately it kind of feels like the normal thing to do.

Don't  even get me started on Sunday. Sunday started off normal as can be. Got up, got ready for church and went there. Well Pastor Jacob's messages really just struck a cord with me. Got me all down (even more then I was). It crushes me that I keep failing God. I just keep doing it. Knowing all to well that I am doing it. UGH!!!!

It's not fair. Why can't I just be normal and drink like a normal person!!!!!!!! It makes me so mad that my husband can sit down a drink A beer every now and then and I CAN'T!!! Why!!!

I, again, let everyone down. Again. As I keep doing over and over and over. The shame and guilt eat me alive. I stay up at night with my mind racing. Coming up with plans. Coming up with options. Reasoning with my self. Setting limits. Etc.

I'm also mad because this means I can't even hang out with some friends. If I go over there and they are all drinking (just casual), I don't want them to feel uncomfortable. Also, I don't want to get bombarded 500 times of why I'm not having a drink. It's just not fun for anyone. So yeah, that makes me mad. Cause I like my friends. I'm actually jealous of them that they can control them selves. They can have a casual drink unlike me I will binge drink. Blah.

I don't want to be an addict. I hate that word. I don't want to be one of them. People treat addicts differently. People judge addicts and damn I'm already judged enough every day for crap. I just won't be able to handle it. I don't want people to see me different. I don't want my husband or kids to look at me different.  It's not fair for other people to have to change the way they do things or act because Kelly likes her hooch.  Seriously. When I go out with friends or hubby and they want to order a drink I don't want them NOT to order because of me. That's not fair.

So there it is guys. It's out there. For the whole world to see. You might think it's crazy for me to tell everyone all this personal stuff but it works for me. It really does. I need to face this thing head on. I don't want to keep hiding. Hiding sucks. Yup. Sucks.

I have a problem with alcohol. I need help. The End.