Sunday, February 26, 2012

My Debt is Paid....

My debt is paid.

My debt is paid.

Why cannot I not seem to grasp that???

Why can’t I let myself off the hook?

Why when I lay in bed, I think about something dumb I did as a teenager?

Why can’t I just let it go?

If my God is able to forgive my past, why can’t I?

Well, let’s stop for a second. Maybe this is a process. I didn’t feel like this a few years ago. I felt worse. Much worse. Maybe God is working on me a little at a time. Maybe I am just too stubborn that I can’t forgive myself. Maybe my faith isn’t as great as I thought it was.

I cannot wait for the night where I go to bed and I DON’T think about dumb things I have done or said. It’s almost like it haunts me. I let it haunt me.

As I type this I am being haunted about something I did last night. I drank. I didn’t drink a ton, but I drank. I drank more then I should of. God has been working in me for over a year in this area. I used to drink so much. So much that I was hiding it. My husband didn’t even know (till right now..haha). I would be sitting somewhere, anywhere, and I could taste the liquor in my mouth. My cravings were out of control. I cannot even begin to explain that cravings. It was like something took over my body. It was bad. BUT in the past year I have been praying about it. I have asked God to take away the cravings and guess what!!! They are GONE. No cravings. Yes, I still drink. I will have some wine every now and then. I will have a cocktail at dinner while eating out. BUT I can now stop. I don’t even have to think about it, I just stop and I and my body are ok with that. Well, last night something came over me and I just wanted to drink. I wanted to drink so badly. And I did. I did not get crazy drunk or anything, but I drank more then I should of.

It was just so weird. And please don’t think I’m crazy. But as I was drinking, I KNEW it was wrong and dumb. I knew it. It’s almost as if I had my little good angel on one shoulder and my little bad Satan on the other shoulder. Someone would ask me if I would like another and immediately my brain would go crazy……yes…no…yes…no…..yes. The “yes” won last night, at least for a little while.

SO back to the beginning…….my debt is paid. So my debt is paid even though I was not obedient??? On purpose??? I knew it was wrong and yet I still did it.

So then I have to take a time out. I have to remember that I am a work in progress. I have to remember that we were all born sinners. I have to remember that none of us are free from sin. I have to remember we all “fall off the wagon”. And just as Pastor Brenda said this morning “Jesus will not linger on our shortcomings”.

Now, with that being said I know this does not give me the right to go out and disobey his word. I take this as an opportunity to pray about my shortcomings. I take this opportunity to talk to my husband and my trusted friends in Christ.

My journey with Christ is my own. My God has healed me in so many ways and I still have much more to go through. I have my faith. I know God will heal every part of me but in his time. I know I am a child of Christ. I know my debts are paid. I know my Father loves me unconditionally. I KNOW I will overcome through Christ. I know at the end of day and if I lose everything and everyone, I will always have my Father, always. I am always thankful for everything and everyone God has given me. And that includes the good and the bad.

Sidebar: I just noticed how much my attitude changed from writing the first sentence till the last sentence. As I was writing, I found myself forgiving myself for last night. I found myself at peace. I asked God to forgive me for my disobedience. I feel peaceful right now.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Today God put his hand over my mouth.....

Today God spoke to me. Yes…you read that right. He literally spoke to me.

I was sitting at CiCi’s Pizza with the kids before heading to church for bible study. About 6-7 tables away there was this woman with a couple of kids. One of her kids was just screaming and screaming and screaming. My kids kept looking over there and of course I told them not to stare. But they did anyways.

So I’m sitting there and I can feel myself get more and more irritated. All I wanted was a nice meal with my kids. Then I started getting nasty inside my head. Saying things like “why the hell is she not shutting that kid up?”, “I came here to enjoy my kids, not listen to hers”, and so on.

I’m sitting there and my blood starts boiling with irritation and out of no where, I just blurt out “compassion”. I startled myself for a brief moment. It was very unexpected. Then I thought to myself, who I am to judge her? I have no idea why her child is upset, I have no idea what’s going on. I have been that mom myself many times.

I said a little prayer for her and her family and then peace came over me. I finished my meal with the kids and went on my merry way to bible study.

Just amazing to me that the Holy Spirit bursted out of me. It was incredible. He straight up told me to have compassion for her and her situation. There is no other explanation for my outburst. (not so much as an outburst, but a word coming out of my mouth and my kids looking at me like I am crazy)

Just so incredible…..

Monday, February 20, 2012

My Family......

Well first let me say that today has been so weird. If I didn’t know better I would think I was pregnant. I am soooooo emotional today. It’s beyond crazy. I know for 110% there is no chance I am pregnant and if I am it would be a miracle of God. I have been thinking, praying and Face book stalking today. Oh, and of course cleaning and running 800 errands and making meals and blah blah blah, I think you get it.

Today’s post is brought to you by FAMILY. All about family today. I guess it’s coming from seeing my cousin that I haven’t seen in years yesterday..

I went Face book stalking my family today. I miss them. I miss seeing my aunts, uncles and cousins ALL the time. I really truly miss them. As a child one of my favorite things was hanging out with my cousins. My brother, sister and I were pretty much the youngest of 17 cousins so we looked up to them. When I was little I remember how close we all were. Every holiday was spent ALL together hanging out at my grandparent’s house. Weekends were spent at my aunt and uncles house. Vacations consisted of going to Maryland and spending a week with my family there. I just miss them so much.

But…then we all grew up, got married, had lots of kids and we are all doing our own thing now. It makes me so sad. I have so many cousins living within 15 minutes of my house and I BARELY see anyone. And on the rare occasion I do see my cousins; we act like we really don’t know each other.

After my grandpa passed away, my grandma moved in with my Aunt A and Uncle J. So now for Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, etc we visit over there. Sometimes we are there when other aunts, uncles and cousins are there. It’s so weird because some of them will say hi and give me great big hugs while others barley acknowledge me, my husband or my kids. WHY??? We all grew up together, we all know each other.

In the past few years I have been really close to Aunt A and Uncle J (and yes, I still address my aunts and uncles properly, doesn’t matter how old I am, I am still going to do it). I visit my grandma at least once I week so of course it’s natural to be closer to that Aunt and Uncle. After my grandpa passed away and before grandma moved in with aunt and uncle, I was over there ALL THE TIME. I would go over there and just chill. Believe it or not, she helped me through my divorce, through all my pregnancies and so much more. I knew she missed grandpa and so did I. He was like my dad.

I spent so much time over there as a kid till about age 12-13. I was over there every weekend, sometimes school nights….all the time. I am not sure the reasoning behind it all. I have my own theories as to why I spent some much time with my grandparents and not at my own home, but we won’t go there. And because I was there all the time I got to go out to eat with them, on vacation with them, to the store (which meant that I got stuff and no one else did). I got to learn how to play Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy. My grandma taught me the basics of cooking. They taught me manners, right and wrong, eat your veggies. I could go on and on of all the things I learned from my grandparents. They were my life. They still are. My heart still aches when I think of my grandfather. My heart breaks when I think about my grandma not being around.

I get scared about my grandma not being around. I get scared about not being close with my family. She was the glue, they both were. I love my family so much and I don’t think they will ever know. Each of my aunts and uncles taught me something different. I really do have the best family even though we may not be as close as we used to be.

And because it’s my blog, I think I am going to say a few things to my aunts and uncles:

Aunt I – going to your house always felt like a trip back in time. Life was simple. I learned about outdoor life. I learned to eat from the land. I learner to take a bath in 4 inches of water that smelled so bad like sulfur. You took me church every time I stayed there.

Aunt S and Uncle W – you let me be a kid. At your house it was fun. My cousins were fun. I looked up to them all the time. My summers spent in Maryland were some of the best memories. I remember special birthday meals, my first time to the ocean, roller skating in the rain, hair and makeup with my cousins.

Aunt A and Uncle J – I know my brother was over more but the time I spent as a kid was life changing. You taught me that people with disabilities were no different then anyone else. You taught me to respect everyone. Uncle J is the man who walked me down the aisle when I married Matt. He is the closest thing I have to a father figure in my life. I asked him to walk me down the aisle because I wanted to be walked down by someone I truly respected.

Uncle J and Aunt T – 8th grade… 8th grade we were evicted from our home and we had to move in with you. I know I was a pain in the ass but I truly did not want to leave. Your house was run like a real home. I loved having a real father figure in my life. I loved having someone teach me right from wrong and getting on my case ALL the time. 8th grade was such a rough year for me. I was leaving childhood and going into the damn teenage years. I was a pain but you never backed down and never ran away.

Uncle A and Aunt R – You two talk to me like family. You always ask how things are going. You seem to get excited when I see you at family get togethers. I still remember your wedding. I have pictures.

I could write something about each and every one of my cousins and some of their spouses but that would make for an awful long post. I think I am going to start writing them and letting them know how much they all meant to me and what an impact each of them has had on my life. I don’t think they realize how much of an influence they were and some still are.

Before I end this EXTREMELY long post, I want to share one of my absolute favorite memories of my cousins. I even know the exact date, May 19, 2001. It was the day after my grandpa passed away. Almost all my cousins and their spouses or significant others came in from all over. We all got together at my cousins G’s house (it was closest to my grandparent’s home). We laughed, we reminisced, we drank, and ALL of us were talking and getting along. It was by far probably one of the best nights of my life. And for awhile after I was closer to some cousins and it was heavenly. It is one of those nights I will never forget. Something as horrible as my grandpa dying brought us all together. I wish I had taken pictures that night. I hope my family thinks about that night too. It will go down in history.

I know it sounds like I am whining and I can’t argue with that, I am. I miss my family, all of them. I love my family, all of them. I just wish my kids could experience my family like I did. I have the best family whether I see them or not. They will always be a priority in my book. I will always be there if someone needs me, always

Sunday, February 19, 2012

How Do I Find Me???

Church today was life changing. Yes, I know that every single service for me is life changing but this one hit REALLY close to home.

Pastor Brenda gave a really good analogy. Imagine yourself as a cup, a cup of spiritual energy. When your cup in full, you are at your full potential to live and speak HIS word.

ALL cups have holes, small holes, big holes, lots of holes, and couple of holes. All of us have holes.

When your cup has holes you are not able to give your all to God and his word. You are not able to fully share the wealth of the Christian life.

She continued on to say that there are 3 HUGE holes most of us have.

1. Blaming other people

2. Caring what other people think of you, being yourself

3. Priorities

Let's start with number one.

We tend to blame others for our problems. We blame our spouses for the issues we have. I have done this MANY MANY times and I continue to do it. Maybe it's as simple as maybe I mumble something and he does not hear me correctly. He asks me to repeat it and then I get crappy about it because "if he was really listening, he would have heard me correctly". Sounds dumb, but it happens. Or the reason I have intimacy issues is because of my mom and dad did not raise me right and I slept around a little too much. I can totally turn this around to make it all my mothers and fathers fault. In the end no one is at fault but me. I am responsible for my own decisions.

This is an area I have made great strides in. I used to live life blaming everyone and everything for anything that did not turn out right. In the past few years I am seeing things in a whole new light. My marital issues (whether it be my ex husband or current) are a two way street. Neither of us is perfect. I sure do have my faults and my husband (s) has faults as well. Sometimes they do not mesh well at all. I have had to step back many times and examine what it is that I am doing wrong and how to fix it. I pray everyday for these faults of mine, some small, some large.

So this "hole" in my life is sort of an easy one to deal with. I am actively praying and working on this DAILY.

The second hole in the cup.

This one is my toughie. I am a people pleaser and a big meanie all wrapped into one. I care very deeply of what people think of me.

Am I a good mom? Am I too fat? Do I cuss too much? Am I discipline my kids correctly? Am I keeping up with the Jones's? Does my house look nice enough? Are my clothes ok? Do my kids look ok? Is my car newer? I could go on and on asking questions about myself.

Today I realized I live for other people. Pastor Brenda told me that I need to find my true self because that is what the creator made. Well guess what?? I have been pretending so long that I have no idea who I am. Of course this all hit me at the service today and of course I started crying. And then I thought that I needed to stop crying because people are going to look at me weird.

I cannot stop wondering what people think of me. I can't. I have been thinking about "who am I?" for the last 8 hours. And you know what I came up with???? ready for this??? It’s going to get kind of weird (and here I am again hoping not to be judged)
• A crier
• Worthless
• A bitch
• A fat ass
• Insecure
• Ugly
• Too hairy
• Selfish
• Perfectionist
• Procrastinator
• A good friend
• A heart to help others in distress, even if I don’t know them
• A grudge holder
• A slut
• A horrible wife
• A yeller
• I cuss to much
• I am an addict
• I am dirty
• A bad mom
• A better mom then my mother
• Horrible eater, I give my kids no healthy influence
• Passive aggressive
• In impulse buyer
• A spender, not saver
• A good listener
• A good problem solver
• A genuine care for those less fortunate

I have decided today not to let these things get in the way of my life anymore!! I am going to print this list out and I am going to pray to our God every single day until I can let go of all the horrible qualities that I think makes me who I am. I am going to pray to our creator to show me who I really am. I am going to pray to show me that way to be the person I was created to be. I know my Father did not create me to be a bitch, to be insecure, to be an addict. These are choices that I made. Choices I made because of the people who influenced me to believe these things. And no I am not blaming anyone. It was my decision to believe these things. I chose to believe what I have been told. I chose to believe the lies that were fed to me during my life. I let the devil get inside me and use these hurtful things against me. I am the only one to blame. From this day forward I am going to listen to my one and only Father so HE can tell me who I really am. I want to live up to his potential.

I know this is going to be such a long hard road. I have a lot to change. The biggest thing on my list is the feeling that I am worthless. Since I can remember I have always felt this way. This is something that has been drilled in my head for so long. I have always felt like I don’t deserve anything. I don’t deserve true love. I don’t deserve to look pretty and on and on. So I ask of you, please pray for me too. Please pray that I can fight this inner demon. I have faith in my God that I will prevail. I will come out in the end on top.

And last but not least, hole number three. Priorities.

Pastor Brenda continued on to say that most of us do not have our priorities in order. In my case that is true. I live my life for other people. I do not live my life for myself. I need to put God first then my family. As Pastor Brenda said today…..People come and go (and yes, she even mentioned her own husband) but God will always stay. I have to make our creator my number one priority. Once I make him my number one, my family can and will function to its full potential.

So, with this all said, and yes I know it’s a lot but I have a lot on my mind, here is my summary of all of the above. I NEED TO MAKE GOD MY #1 PRIORITY. IN RETURN I WILL BE ABLE TO FIND THE REAL ME THEN I WILL BE ABLE TO BE A BETTER MOTHER AND WIFE.

So there it is. Someone of you will disagree with what I have written and some of you will agree. But I can honestly tell you, I DON’T CARE what anyone thinks about this blog post. I am in it to win it. I am going to have my life revolve around God. I am going to make my life go according to his word. I am going to be who God wants me to be.

Now, with that being said, I am asking you to pray. Please pray for me and my family. Please pray for my faith. Please pray for my hurt. Please pray that the light with shine through. Please pray these demons leave my body and mind.

In his heavenly name……

Thank You