Thursday, June 12, 2014

Wind beneath my wings........

Friends.  This is something I have seriously been struggling with for a few months now. If you know me in real life, once I bring a problem to the surface (speak it or write it) I can begin dealing with it and kick it's butt (I seriously need to stop waiting months before addressing issues, for reals).

The absolute hardest thing in my life, my entire life, is making and KEEPING friends.

As many of you know, I am little out there. I do my own thing. I am way to honest. I have tattoos and piercings. I like to color my hair weird colors. I cuss. I smoke (but not for much longer). I eat like crap.

In spite of all this I am one of the most loyal person you will ever meet. I have a real, deep compassion for people of all shapes, sizes and colors. If you let me into your life, you will have some drama, but you will be filled with love and laughter from me.

Making friends is still super tough. I have tried at church, my kids football teams, Emma's cheer team, etc. I am very blessed to say I have made a few spectacular friends. There are some that I really would like to get closer with but they don't seem to like me. And folks, that's what really kills me.

I want everyone to like me. I want to be included in everything all the time.

Ummm, yeah, that's not going to happen. It's never happened. There are always people who don't like me. There are always events or parties I am not invited to. It's been happening since I was a little girl. So why cannot I understand this and move on? Why can't I just be happy with the awesome, amazing small group of friends that I do have?

How can I teach my daughter this when I struggle with it? How can I teach her to be happy with what she has instead of always wanting what you can't have? How can I teach her that she doesn't have to be in ever clique out there?

Sidebar: Cliques are the worst. And they are everywhere. For me it's church and my kids sports. I could write a whole big post on this, but today is not the day.

After much thinking and prayer these past few weeks (yes, I have been eaten by jealously and depression bug), I am going to put my effort into people who want to spend time with me. People who actually care about my well being. I cannot waste anymore time chasing people, trying to force them to like me.

It is what it is.

I am going to choose to be happy. I am going to continue to pray. I am going to continue to be a great friend to those who choose to have me.

I am not going to sit on my depression. I am not going to whine and complain about why so and so doesn't want to talk to me anymore or why so and so doesn't hang out with me anymore. That is their choice.

I am who I am. Love it or leave it.