Thursday, December 31, 2009

2000-2009 Wrap Up

This last decade has been a decade of learning, growing, teaching and all the good and bad stuff that comes with life. So let me take you on a little journey of the past 10 years of my life. (I promise it won't be too long, just grab a cup of coffee (or Pepsi) and have a seat)

2000 - In April I got married, gained a new family and spent WAY TOO MUCH MONEY!

2001 - My grandpa passed away in May. One of the worst days in my life. The only good thing that came from that is all my family from everywhere came home to Ohio and all the cousins and husbands and wives got together for a party and we all had the time of our life. It is one night I will never forget. I felt like I really got to know a lot of my family. I have so many special memories of that night and that whole weekend. I could write on and on about it but I won't. I'll save that for another post.

Also found out in late summer of 2001 that I was pregnant. YEAH!!

2002 - My baby Emma was born April 18th, 7lbs, 8oz, 21 inches long, 9:36am. My grandma was the first person to hold her (besides the parents) and I will always cherish that.

2003 - First really vacation - Myrtle Beach with some very awesome friends

2004 - Separated and divorced husband from above. I am not going into details because I don't think it's appropriate to put all details out there. But having a few close friends and my church really helped me get through all of this.

Also met a wonderful man, Matt (more on him later)

2005 - Big YEAR! Got married (again) and gave birth to Landon 8lbs, 2oz, 21 inches long, 5:39pm, November 29

2006 - And here comes baby number 3, November 6th, Chase, 8lbs, 7oz, 21 inches long, 3:36pm

2007 - Bought our first home!!! Baby brother got married!! Took a family vacation to Virginia Beach with my hubby's brother and sister in law

2008 - what a long difficult year. lost jobs and lots of money problems

2009 - recovered from previous year and everything is going grand, looking forward to the next 10 years!

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

January 2, 2010 - New Beginning

My life is going to start changing January 2nd. I am taking my diet and exercise plan to a whole new level.

I am going to master the weight loss thing once and for all. You can start calling me Princess Kelly anytime you want.

I got the hook up through Mad Woman about this amazing group of bloggers who are going to come together and lose some weight. You can check out Dual Mom or ZGirl for all the details and to sign up and grab a button.

I am finally ready to shed all these extra pounds. I am talking alot of poundage here. Like a big 80 of them. I know I won't be able to lose it all like in a week, but it's going to be a process. I WILL LOOK DECENT AT THE BEACH THIS SUMMER.

I am going to take the things that I have learned from Pro Fitness Camp owner, Lorraine, and I am going to do all the things I should of been doing for like months now.

Look for my updates every Wednesday and feel free to drop by and show some love.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Merry Christmas

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Another Day, Another Ramdom Thought

Chase comes up to me yesterday and says "when I close my eyes, it gets dark" Wow, you would of thought a 3 year old would know that by now

Christmas is ready to go at my house, all presents are done, cookies are made and the kids have all had baths. I am so ahead of the game.

I am VERY excited to be working at the shelter on Christmas morning. It's not even really about the money, I am just really excited to see the kids here open gifts!

Matt's birthday went well. He got lots of clothes - haha for him.

Chase is hitting the terrible 3's. Lord give me strength.

Landon has now begun using the word duh. He will answer a question and end it with "duh".

As I am typing this my stomach is hurting really bad. I am hoping it was the fiber bar and popcorn I had. There has been a stomach bug going around the shelter and if I get it now, it would just be really bad timing.

Knock on wood, but ALL my kids might be healthy for the first Christmas in 4 years!!!

And that is about it TTYL!

Friday, December 18, 2009

another Debbie Downer post...... (last one for awhile, I promise)

I had a meeting with my pastor a few weeks ago about some of the issues I have been having lately and it really helped.She opened my eyes to thoughts I didn't even know I had.I've also come to realize a few things on my own.I think one reason why I cannot choose not to forgive my mom and dad for all the physical, emotional and sexual abuse is because once I do forgive them, and then I will have nothing. I will have no emotional connection to these people. I will be blank and empty. I think I am holding on to the anger and hurt as a way to still be connected with them. I will do this but I am just not ready.

Lately a few people in my life have told me to “get over it”, “move on”, “not that big of a deal, it happened so long ago”. Those are words that I truly hate to hear. I hate them. I would never tell the women and children that I work with to “get over it”. Physical, emotional and sexual abuse is something you just don’t “get over”. It is a healing process and everyday is a learning experience for me. Since working at the Battered Women’s Shelter it has brought out new feelings and heartache for me. It has made me face some hurts and fears that I have pushed so deep down inside. Everyday it seems like new things are surfacing. Some days it hurts so bad to think about my past. Some days I feel like I HATE my mom and dad. I feel like I hate the rest of my family for not helping me and my siblings. I hate Children Services for never doing anything every time I called. And some days I am ok. Some days I can be normal and I can have normal conversations with my mom and family.

My family and friends and even my siblings do not understand what I went through. My siblings went through there own ordeals and have dealt with them. I was the oldest, I got everything the worst. I got in trouble for my brother and sister getting in trouble. I got in trouble for the house not being clean, laundry not being done, my sister and brother fighting, me fighting with them. Everything. And it still affects me to this day.

I have to be aware everyday of how I parent. I have to be sure and not blame Emma for something that Landon or Chase did. I have to make sure and punish the boys on somewhat a same level as Emma. I never want Emma to come to me accusing me of treating her worse then her siblings. This is a daily thing for me. I have to try and refrain from having Emma do “everything” for me. “Emma, go get your brothers jammies, Emma get them a drink, Emma, get them a snack, Emma turn the bathroom light on for Chase, Emma, turn my light off, Emma, shut my door” I could go on and on. I need to daily put my self in check.

The sexual abuse still haunts me to this day. For those of you who don’t want to read this, I am now going to be talking about my sex life, so you may want to stop reading.
I am dealing with the effects from the sexual abuse EVERY DAY.
It happened when I was 11-12 with my mom’s boyfriend at the time. I am not going into details but I still remember everything.
Pastor Brenda pointed out a few things about this that I would like to share. I spent my entire like searching for affection and acceptation. I had sex at the age of 12 with an 18 year old boy because I was looking for affection. I spent the next 8 years sleeping with any boy who looked at me. Never really finding the satisfaction that I was looking for. I was a constant cheater. If I had a boyfriend for an extended amount of time, you can probably bet that I cheated on him, you know, before he cheats on me, because I was sure that’s what was going to happen. So I was going to hurt him before he could hurt me. Then the guy would find out and dump me, leaving me crushed and waiting for the next boy to put me back together. When I was 18 I found Tim. He was a great guy. We hit it off, moved into together and decided to get married. As soon as we got married, the sex stopped. Turns out it’s very typical with sexual abuse victims, that once they do find them selves in a committed relationship, they tend to pull back. The chase is over. There is nothing left to go after. And I know this played a huge part in my divorce from him. I am not saying it was 100% my fault but this definitely played a part.
After my divorce I continued my sleeping around because that’s what I am good at.
I found another man, Matt. He is the most amazing person I have ever met. He treats me very well, he is the best dad any kid could ask for but yet I don’t want him to touch me. I don’t want hugs, kisses, butt taps, boob brushes, sex, nothing. I literally cringe when I have to kiss him good bye in the morning sometimes.

And because of Pastor Brenda, I realize this. I have sat Matt down and talked to him about it. I told him my true and raw feelings. And now I am in a healing process so I can once again be intimate with my husband.

So I guess this whole post was about, if you know me, don’t tell me to “get over it” unless you have walked a day in my shoes. I am truly happy for those of you who can overcome issues in good time. I wish I could be like you. I have so much emotional baggage that it takes me a little longer. I am on the road but it looks like a long twisty road. I will make it but it takes time.

I am going to go through a program at church called “Freedom through Christ”. The title pretty much describes it all. After the holidays I am going to make my appt. I didn’t think it was fair to my husband and kids if I take on a big emotional task right now.

I am going to make it through all of this. I know I am. I have the love of God, my husband, my children and the few people around me who have always been there. And that’s all I need.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Random Thoughts

  • I finished all my Christmas shopping and I have 4 presents left to wrap!!
  • Looking for boots for Landon and Chase was almost impossible. It was so hard to find a decent pair at a decent price. I finally logged on to and found a buy one get one half off and 20% off entire order with $1.98 shipping. I got each pair 2 sizes to big so hopefully they can use them next year too.
  • I have lots of baking to do the next few days. Tonight I have a party at church for the class I teach and I have to make cupcakes, Thursday is a staff meeting / Christmas party and of course I opened my big mouth and said I would bring brownies and beer bread with some kind of dip. Sunday is Matt's birthday party and he wants cherry crumb pie and manicotti. Tuesday is Landon's party at school and again opened big mouth and said I would bring the Happy Birthday Jesus cake. Tuesday we are making our sugar cutouts for Santa. Like I said, lots of baking.
  • A friend of mine had her twin baby boys on Monday!!! And I could not be more excited. She will be receiving some of my famous manicotti on Saturday.
  • Trying to figure out how to stretch our last $100 into groceries for us to eat and all the above mentioned items for baking and Matt's birthday, oh and it needs to really stretch for gas in my car. This one is going to take lots of praying.
  • Getting nervous about Christmas. I picked up to work Christmas morning here at the shelter. Midnight to 8am. I really wanted to be here to watch the moms and kids here open gifts and spend some time with them, on the other hand I am trying to figure how Christmas Eve is going to go and Christmas morning. We have service at 7pm, then home, jammies, a Christmas cartoon and put them to bed, then when we know they are asleep Matt and I have to get all the presents out and stuff the stockings and put together the air hockey table, then at 1130pm, I have to leave for work. I think I am going to wear my Christmas jammies to work (save a step in the morning), then after I get off at 8am, race home, sneak in, hop in bed and wait for the kids to wake up. I am just nervous they will get up before I get home and I really want to take pictures of them as soon as they wake up. Oh well, I think it's worth it getting to spend time here at work with the clients and the kids.
  • My diet is not going well the past 2 weeks. All I have done is sleep and eat. And I am not really sticking to the diet so well. At times I am, then others not so much. And as for the exercise program, I haven't done that in two weeks. I need to suck it up, make a commitment to start doing it again ASAP. I cannot fail this. I have already gained a few pounds back and I have failed to meet my Christmas goal. I should of been able to meet the goal had a worked really hard and stuck to everything 100%. So I am making a new goal and I am making the commitment to stick to it no matter what. I want to be proud of my self this summer and I don't want Landon saying he likes to lay on me because I'm squishy.
  • Okay well, that about does it for now. Just some things that are floating through my brain. Till next time!!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Landon's Birthday

It was a tough pregnancy for me. My pelvis split, smyphsis separation, during my 4th month. It was awful pain all the time. And lots and lots of pressure, it kinda sucked.

Other then that, the pregnancy was normal and fine. I ate lots of frozen fruit and mozzarella sticks, the fried ones of course.

They had me scheduled for induction on November 30th. He was due December 6th but because of my pelvis issues they wanted me in and ready to go.

The Saturday after Thanksgiving which I believe would of been the 27th, my hubby and I went out for one last meal before Landon arrived. We decided to go to Roadhouse Steakhouse because at this point me and beef were best friends.

And of course I ordered chicken, cause it was smothered with cheese and bacon.

And that's when it happened. Hubby and I both got food poisoning. We didn't know until Sunday morning. He called off work and we were in bed all day and all night. Towards late Sunday evening, he was feeling better but my tummy still hurt pretty bad.

About 11pm, my tummy really bad. I was contracting really hard and they were coming fast. I woke up Matt and told him we need to go NOW. Of course I had nothing set up for Emma since we weren't supposed to be going in for one more day. So I had to call my grandma at 11pm at night ( I knew she would be up cause she watched the 11pm news) and we had to run her over there, no coat, no shoes, I am such a horrible mom. She slept through it all.

So we get to the hospital and they check me, I was a 3 to 3 1/2, so they said I was not in active labor. Once they hooked me up to the monitors it was pretty clear I was and I told them about the potential food poisoning. They said the only way to know for sure was to test my number 2, so we did and of course it came back as food poisoning. Stupid Roadhouse (haven't ate there since)

So once they gave me 5 bags of fluids and some good make me feel better drugs, my labor pretty much stopped. The doctors went back and forth and whether they were going to keep me or send me home and make me come back tomorrow. I swear they discussed this for like 2 hours!!

Finally at 11am, they came in and told me they were going to break my water and get things going.
Blah, blah, blah, going through labor and all that fun stuff. And I am so not going to get into how they tried the epidural 5 times and it never worked!!! (after he was born went to the doc and found out I have scoliosis in my lower back)

So at 3:15pm, doctor comes in and says it's time. Doesn't even check me, they just start getting ready. They must of known from watching the monitors cause when he was all ready he pulled the sheet up and there was my sons head.

I pushed a few times, my husband touched my foot and I about killed him, but after a few times of pushing and breathing, Landon Alexander came into this world.

3:39pm, 8lbs, 2 oz, 21 inches long, November 29th, 2005
Happy 4th Birthday Baby Boy!!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Many Sleepless Days.....

Yes, I was the nutso out on Black Friday shopping after like 3 days of no sleep.
I work 3rd shift (midnight to 8am) I try to sleep from like 9am-5pm, then get up and spend time with the kiddos.
So Wednesday (day before Thanksgiving) I seriously get like 5 hours of sleep. I didn't fall asleep until like 3pm and my hubby got me up at 8ish pm. So I go into work and work, and I worked Thanksgiving because 1. it's 12a to 8am, who does anything then, 2. we are eating at my grandma's at 3pm which gives me plenty of time to go home and sleep until 2pm.
So I get off work Thanksgiving at 8am and decide to head to KMart (gotta start Black Friday shopping early!!), I get home at like 9am and decide to stay awake. We head to my mothers for breakfast (we do it every year, since we all are so busy my mom makes breakfast about 930am every Thanksgiving)
Okay, so blah, blah, blah the rest of the Thanksgiving happens, we eat turkey, mashed potatoes and all that great stuff. May I point out that this young lady DID NOT have any dessert!! I am taking my diet pretty seriously!! YEAH ME!!
We get home around 730pm and I decide it's time to take a nap before shopping. I finally fall asleep around 930pm cause you know I had to catch up on my Season 4 of Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders!!
And up at 145am!!
Pick up BFF at 220am
Start at Old Navy at 245am
Sears - 4am
Dunkin Donuts - 530
Kmart - 6am (this was the most insane store, come one people, it's Kmart, not Toys R Us)
Staples - 645am
Target - 7am
Kolh's - 745am
Denny's - 8am
Back home at 945am and that's when BFF calls and said she forgot her bread new camera in the back of my car, thank goodness she offered to come over and pick it up
Kmart - 5pm - return a few things cause I got better deals at different stores
Burger King - 530pm, the kids have to eat something while Mommy's going crazy shopping
Walmart - 630pm - not Christmas shopping, I have to get many thing to make Landon's birthday cake and supplies for his party (birthday party post coming next)
My shopping was a HUGE success!! I am very proud of everything I bought. I stuck to budget and I stuck to my spreadsheet (and yes, I did make a spreadsheet of the order of stores, what I was going to buy and the approx. cost)
Well, now it's time to go and update my other spreadsheet, you know, the one with everyone's name and what I got for them and how much I spent and what store I bought it at!!!