Monday, December 24, 2012

Random Act of Kindness.....

This is a post about a random act of kindness. No, I did not do one (yet), my hubby and I were the very grateful recipients of one.

It happened almost 3 hours ago and I am still in shock and awe.

Every Christmas Eve we go out to dinner. We like to hit up a local hibachi spot called Otani's. It's a hole in the wall, small, dim, needs a good scrubbing but the food is good and the price is good. You basically get a BOGO with the Entertainment Card.

So this year we went back. There was practically no one in there. A few minutes after we were sat the hostess brought a little but older couple to sit with me, Matt and the boys. We chatted for a few minutes about the kids, about Christmas and about the restaurant. Other then that, we enjoyed are meal and talked between our family.

When the check came the waitress handed me back my Entertainment Card but not the little plastic thing the bill comes on. I just sat there like "huh". I looked at the waitress hand BOTH of them to the couple sitting with us. They told us we have a beautiful family and this one is on them.

I sat there completely shocked. I felt my eyes tear up. I had a few run down my face. At that point it was kind of a blur. I know Matt and I both asked them if they were sure. I asked them if they were serious.

Lately you have been hearing about all these random acts of kindness. I have heard of so many awesome things my friends and family are doing. It felt weird to be on the receiving end. I was extremely grateful and humbled. I felt more alive. I felt my spirit in people renewed. I felt Christmas. I'm not sure if you can feel Christmas, but I'm telling you, I felt Christmas.

I know these people don't follow my blog but I just have to say a HUGE THANK YOU!!! Money is tight. I saved and budgeted so we could go out to dinner like we always do. I dislike breaking tradition. Now our bank account can breathe a little. We only have $40 in the account and I know the dinner would of been close to $30, then we hit up McDonald's to get the boys a Happy Meal (they don't eat our kinda food). Our bank account would been left with literally a few dollars till Friday.

With that being said, I am going to talk to Matt and discuss how he wants to pay it forward. We now have an extra $30 (we still stopped and got the boys some grub). I want to spread it around as far as it will go. We have everything we need till Friday. We have gas in our cars and food in the fridge. We are set. So now I want to go spread some Christmas. I want someone to feel as good as I did tonight.

Monday, December 17, 2012

It's that time of year again......

Yep, Christmas time.

The joyous time of year where I am reminded that I don't have a father (here on earth). Yep, Father's Day and Christmas are really good of reminding me of that fact.

My dad left when I was about 7 and was in and out of my life from then. He had a pretty rough life with drugs, alcohol, jail and so on. It really didn't bother me (too much) until he died in 2010. Before he died I always knew he was around. Always knew he would pop in again. That was comforting. After he died I knew I would never see him again. Never get a chance to build a real relationship with him. I didn't so much mourn his death but I mourned of what I would be missing. Missing the chance to be with him. Missing the chance for him to meet my kids. Missing everything. At least when he was still alive there was a chance I would see him on Christmas. I know your probably wondering why I even cared so much anyways, why I loved a man I barely knew. Back in 2007 I met with my dad at his place of living, a local homeless shelter. We had one of the best conversations. My dad admitted he screwed up, he admitted that drugs and alcohol took over his life. He said it was never his plan to leave his kids the way he did. We said the I love you's and we never saw each other again. I found peace with my dad that day. I saw the remorse in his eyes. I knew he had addictions and some addictions are so powerful that you find yourself doing things you never thought you would.

My dad passed away on May 15, 2010. From the moment we found out it was a whirlwind piecing together the last few years of his life. He died coming home from the dentist. He got off the bus, walking towards his home, had a massive heart attack and died instantly on the side of the road.

My dad had a case worker that was helping him get his life together and she did. When my dad died he had an apartment with clothes, food, furniture and even a small flat screen TV. My sister and I spent a couple hours cleaning it out. It was so weird. I felt like I was in a strangers house but at the same time I was saddened because I knew this was my dads house. I kept a few things from his house and have them set around my house. I wanted something of his to remember him by.

About 8 weeks after he died I was able to call the coroner and find out cause of death and toxicology reports. I found out that my father has passed away with NO DRUGS and NO ALCOHOL in his body. This was a major thing for me. I have heard all my life that he was getting clean, he was going to be different, blah, blah, blah. This time he actually did it. He did it. I have never been prouder of my dad. He took a 30ish year addiction and broke it.

At the time I found this out I was so incredibly happy and so sad. I was happy  for the reasons above but sad because now that he was completely sober I would never get to reap the benefits of it, never. It still makes me so sad.

With all that being said, my grandpa, had always stepped in to take over the dad role. From my earliest memories, I always remember being with him and my grandma. Most of my childhood pictures are with my grandpa and grandma. I spent so many nights there. I went on so many vacations with them. I am not going to go into the reasons I was there so much, that's for a nother post. Every major event or decision revolved around them. When I would oversleep for school my grandpa would come and pick me up and take me but not without a pit stop at McDonald's first. Sometimes I would over sleep on purpose and I think he knew that. We would run errands together. My grandpa walked me down the aisle when I married my first husband. He dressed up and looked so handsome. I have many pictures of us two that day that I proudly display even though I have since remarried (only pictures of me and him, not the ex..LOL). There is just so much I could write. I just can't seem to get my thoughts in order right now.

My grandpa died May 18, 2001. That was a horrible horrible day. I don't think I have even felt pain like that before. It was all such a blur. The whole weekend.

So with these two men gone what do I have left. Pretty much nothing. And, yes, I know that I do have my heavenly Father and I am so thankful for that, but it's just not the same. I have no one to buy gifts for. No one to ask for advice. You know, that sorta thing. I don't have a great relationship with my father in law. There are only two men who are really there in a father sense. One is my uncle. He walked me down the aisle at my second wedding. He gives advice. He is great to talk to. BUT, he has his own family, his own kids, his own grandkids. I have to try and not overstep my boundaries. The other person is my ex father in law. He really has done a alot for me. I can't tell you how many times I've called him in a pickle and he helps me out. I could go on and on about him but again, I have to watch my boundaries. This is my ex father in law. He has a new daughter in law.

So for the past two years I have spent the holidays honoring my husband. He is a father, but not mine. He is a great man who deserves to be honored.

But it's just not enough. I have some kinda hole in me. I have a yearning for a dad. I think I had better just give up this hope. It's so hard to let go of the wanting and needing a father.

Here is my and my dad in September 2007, the last time I ever saw him.

Here is me and my grandpa (photo taken by grandma). We are celebrating my birthday. One of my favorite pictures ever.

Monday, December 3, 2012

Trip down memory lane.....

Both the boys birthdays are in November. Chase is the 6th and Landon is the 29th. My boys are 11 months apart.

I've spent alot of time this month thinking about when they were little. Remembering how I felt like we were never going to make it through alive. I remembered all the crying. All the poop. All the sleepless nights. All the poop. All the bottles. All the poop. All doctors appointments. And did I mention, all the poop. I nicknamed our house "Poop City". Seriously, I did because seriously it was.

I remember all the people telling me it would get better. Sure, certain things got better but with each new age came new issues and problems.

As I was looking for the boys birthday pictures this month I got a chance to look at the thousands of pictures I took. I sat on my bed thinking about how much I missed those little babies. Those cute little chubby faces (well, Chase, not Landon, Landon has always been a twig..LOL). My uterus aches for another baby. But Matt and I cannot have anymore babies. (well, truth be told, Matt can but I would kill him). After Chase was born I had my tubes tied the day after (which I DO NOT recommend if you have a vaginal birth!! If you have a c-section then fine, your already cut open but DO NOT give birth vaginally then have them cut your stomach open. This equals double recovery time. Trust me. Don't let them fool you. And even LONGER recovery time when your incision gets infected). If this was the only thing stopping us, we could fix it but in August of 2008 I had to have an ablation of my uterus. So basically they just burned it all out. I still have all my girly parts and I know sometimes the tubal can reverse naturally and sometimes your uterus can heal it self but odds are not looking to good for me. Oh, well. I have my 3 babies and I am so happy with that.

And now I leave you with some really cute pictures of my kids..... ENJOY!!

Emma at 2 1/2 

Emma at 2 1/2 and me

Just a few hours after Chase was born - First photo with all 3 kids.

Right before Chase was born. Landon is 11 months and Emma is about 3 1/2

Yep - Chase is my belly and got my girl right beside me.

Still at the pumpkin patch...

Just after a bath at the new house. Chase is about 6 months old and Landon is 17 months old.

Landon about 17 months old.

Chase about 6 months old and yes he is playing with cords.

First Christmas card with all 3 kids. Emma is 4 1/2, Landon is 1 and Chase is about a month old.

I could go on and on with adorable pictures of these three. Honestly as much as I loved the baby stages, I am so happy to see them grow into their own little people. And they are all pretty awesome.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

November 29, 2005

Today was Landon's birthday. It was such a great day for my little man. He turned 7 years old today. I seriously have such a hard time coming to terms with how time flies. It seems like yesterday I was 39 weeks pregnant and having some serious food poisoning. This food poisoning would send me into labor and I would have my baby boy one day before his scheduled induction. I was having the induction due to symphysis separation  Basically  my pelvic bone split and it was VERY painful.

My first boy came into this world at 5:37pm weighing 8lbs, 4oz and 21 inches long. I totally rocked this labor, delivery and recovery. 20 minutes of pushing, laid down for about an hour after he was born and then I was up and moving around. It was awesome. I felt like a champ.

And just like Chase's birthday post I will now leave you with a history of birthdays. All 7 of them.

Landon's 1st Birthday!!!! (Basketball themed)

Landon's 2nd Birthday!!! (Spiderman themed)

Landon's 3rd Birthday!!! (Blue's Clues themed)

Landon's 4th Birthday!!! (no theme)

Landon's 5th Birthday!!! (no theme)

Landon's 6th Birthday!!! (football theme at the bowling alley)

Landon's 7th Birthday!!! (no theme)

And that my friends is it so far. There you have watched my baby grow up right before your eyes. As I was looking back at the years, I came across so many adorable pictures from when they were babies. But that is a whole other post.