Friday, January 29, 2010

Can someone explain please?

Can someone please explain all this bloggy hate?

I read 101 blogs and so many of them are into putting other bloggers down. I mean, they really hate on them. These women are so competitive. It kinda scares me.

I thought a purpose of a blog was to write your thoughts, your feelings, write about your day. I thought is was supposed to be picture of who you really are without having to hide any of your faults.

I read these blogs and I actually feel sorry for the writers and for the people they are writing about. They can be very harsh. And then on top of that, I follow a lot of them on Twitter and the bashing usually continues over there.

Here's the thing, if you don't like what I have to say, delete me. If I don't like something I read or if I disagree with someone view on their blog; you know what I do........NOTHING. I don't comment, I don't hate, I just click the X and move on to the next blog.

I am slowly finding out how much competition there is out there for blogs. I just really don't understand it all right now. Maybe after being in the game a little longer, I'll figure it out a little more.

I just can't get over the hate I read. There is 2 blogs that I have in mind right now and they get some of the worst hate I have ever read. Other bloggers calling them every name in the book, hoping they would die, calling them bad mothers/people. I just don't get it.

I know I haven't opened up too much on here, but I will. I hate admitting my flaws. But I know if I can open up and get them out there, I am going to find people who are just like me and I will probably find people who are going to leave nasty comments because I call my kids "assholes" sometimes. (well, sometimes they are being assholes and that is the only word I can think of to describe them at that moment in time and I never call them assholes to there face)

I just wish people could get back to the basics. If you have nothing nice to say, do not say anything at all

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

L.I.B. Weigh In Week 3

Be prepared for some disappointment folks....

That's right, I gained weight.

I do not have a picture but I will tell you, it's not pretty. I gained like 3 lbs and some odd oz. So I am back up to 241 and some oz.

Okay, so maybe 2 days worth of Olive Garden and all the desserts I have been eating and the pizza or the Taco Bell. Those were prolly not the best ideas.

I messed up, I admit it.

I am just going to have to work harder and smarter (right after I eat this cupcake......hahaha)

No seriously, I just have to refocus and get back on track. I can do it and I will do it.

Please be gentle with your comments, I am a cry baby.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

L.I.B. Week 2 Weigh In

I am going to be up front, I don't have a picture to show you this week. Why, you ask, cause my scale is on drugs. It kept making up funny stuff and making me think I was the crazy one.

Sunday I stepped on the scale, it said 238.3, I was all like YEAH!! So I went to grab the camera, stepped back on it and it said 246.7!! Ummm, how could getting off the scale for 30 seconds make me gain 8lbs???

Monday I tried it again. I got on the scale and it said 238.0 and again, I was all like YEAH!! So again, I went to grab the camera and then I got back on the scale and AGAIN it added pounds! It said 244.2 - ummm NO.

I am thinking I am somewhere in the low 238lbs.

Next week I am going to take my camera with me the FIRST time I step on the scale.

oh, and by the way, I haven't seen anything below 240lbs on my scale in well over a year and a half, so I am feeling pretty good. I even went out and celebrated with a McFlurry tonight.

yes, it is packed full of dairy, fat and sugar and yes I am feeling really sick right now and yes I am going to work my tush off the next few days.

I had a craving and I gave in - someone slap me on the hands and tell me I have been a bad girl.

I am going to continue to improve the foods I am eating. I am going to take in more water and I am going to start exercising. I know, I know, I should of been working out the past two weeks but I am sooooo lazy and then life got in the way and the kids were crazy and I was tired.....etc. Shall I keep going with the LAME excuses??? I really don't have a good excuse but this week I am changing that, promise.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go back to work and do something other then think about chocolate cake.....

Friday, January 15, 2010

Divorce Day a.k.a Worst Day of My Life

I wasn't sure if I would ever right a post about this but I want to get it out there. I want everyone to know what my divorce was like.

Tim and I met January of 1999. We got married April 2000. Emma came along April 2002 and that's when the big issues started.

We were young, we weren't ready for Emma. We fought. Emma slept with us till she was 14 months. That sure didn't help things in the bed room.

Tim and I separated February 2004. I moved out in March. I got an apartment right above Tim's cousin B and his wife R. BIG MISTAKE.

We were in counseling to help things but Tim had another plan.

Tim would come visit Emma then go down stairs and visit B and R. Pretty soon he was visiting R even when B wasn't home.

I will make a VERY long story short. We filed for divorce in June 2004, our court date was August 5, 2004. R was pregnant with Tim's child by then. So needless to say, B and R got divorced too.

I might want to add that R was one of my best friends. We had been in the same family for years and grew very close. But that's a whole other post.

So D Day came. Our court appointment was at 11:30am. I got up, showered, got ready, put on a nice suit and drove to the courthouse. Tim shows up in his work clothes telling me he just took his lunch break "to get this done".

We were called in and I don't remember a whole lot but I remember standing there bawling my eyes out. It was so hard to believe that this was actually happening. I remember the judge asking me if I was ok enough to do this and I replied "yes" in a low sobbing voice.

The judge asked us about 10 or so questions. He then told us the divorce had been granted and to "have a nice day".

I cried so much. I cried all the way out. Tim did walk me to my car and I cried there. i sat in my car and cried and cried. I wished I had someone there with me, anyone, just someone to hug me and tell me my life is better this way.

As I was driving home all I felt thinking about is all the pain and how much better I would feel if I just drove into a tree or off a bridge.

To this day I have no idea how I made it home to my empty apartment. The next few days the emptiness ate me alive.

It was over. The end. Our family was gone. We were no longer Tim, Kelly and Emma. It was now Kelly and Emma. That was the hardest part was letting go of my family. Things were forever changed. My MIL was not my MIL she was my ex MIL and same for my FIL. It was absolutely crushing to realize all this. I loved all these people. I wanted them in my life and they were all gone. Everything was gone. And he already had someone new and a baby on the way. He had already moved on and was ready for a new life.

I fell into a black hole of alcohol and bad relationships. I did find one relationship and we made it work. He was very supportive of my situation and we worked through my feelings together and now he has been my husband for the past almost 5 years. Yes, I got married very quickly after my divorce. I married May 28, 2005.

I have many reasons, non of them good. I should not have married so quickly but my heart was sad and lonely. I felt like I needed someone to hold me. Someone to go with me to the grocery store. Someone to spend the holidays with. Dumb reasons to everyone else but very really reasons to me.

I am surprised that we made it. I was not even close to healing when we got involved but he was a true gentleman and he helped me heal.

Although I know I would not have healed without the number one healer, God. I became involved in a program at my church, Divorce Care. It was an amazing program. I got to go to class each week with people in my situation. Other people who needed to heal. Without my bible I would of never made it. Since then, I have had tough times but I know the one person I can always look to for support is God. He IS the number one healer.

He has directed me to be a leader in the Divorce Care 4 Kids class. I have been teaching this class for almost 2 1/2 years. And now I think he is changing my direction. It seems like there is an opportunity to teach the adult Divorce Care. I think the men and women in this class could benefit from all I have went through and learned and everything I have been taught at my job as a Crisis Intervention Specialist and Youth Advocate at the Battered Women's Shelter.

I thank God EVERY DAY of my life for everything he has given me. I am so lucky to be a part of his creation. I am lucky for my husband, kids and family. The list could go on and on.......

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

L.I.B. Week One Weigh In

Okay so I totally know it's Wednesday, sorry bout that.

My picture came from Monday but I had a bad few days and didn't have time to post. I hate having those depressed days where you don't even feel like getting out of bed.

So this week, I did pretty bad I didn't eat like a I supposed to and I did not exercise like I should of, but in the end I did lose almost 2lbs. 2lbs is 2lbs - just glad at this point I didn't gain.

And I know this is an excuse but my 'monthly visitor" was here and that's where all the carb cravings were coming from. It took me awhile to figure this one out since my uterus is all burned out and stuff. As soon as I got some pimples, I knew it was that time of the month. The past day or so my cravings have went away and I am feeling normal again.
Goals for this week (which we are already a few days into)
Drink More Water
Take clear broth soups to work to eat
cereal or oatmeal to work for breakfast
watch portions
back off carbs
try some exercise this week
Okay folks, that's it. 2lbs is 2 lbs - wish it was more but there is always next week to put everyone to shame

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Tomorrow, I Promise

Today was a pretty bad day - not ready to share details, but needless to say, I didn't get on the scale and take my picture.

As soon as I wake up tomorrow I am taking my picture and posting an update!

Friday, January 8, 2010

Help!! The CARBS are attacking me!!!

Since Monday I have cut A LOT of carbs out of my diet. I am reading labels and all that jazz.


It feels like if I don't eat a cupcake, I might actually die.

I know my body does not process sugar well so I am trying SOOOOOOOO hard to step away and eat healthy carbs.

But I am not kidding you when I say I could probably kill or steal for a piece of chocolate cake with chocolate icing. NO JOKE.

I really do not want to give in to this craving because I am the girl with no will power. I will not stop at a small piece of cake or just one cupcake. I will eat the whole darn thing. I will eat until I am physically ill (kinda how I got here in the first place)

I have an overeating problem. I never eat anything in moderation. It is something that I struggle EVERY day and I am slowly learning how to control.

BUT, how do I get rid of this without going insane??????

Also, unrelated to the carb thing, I am pretty sure I am lactose intolerant. How can I get all the nutrition that I would be getting from milk, cheese and yogurt? What are other foods I can eat or drink. I have never been diagnosed but hubby and I after trial and (major) error pretty much figured out that I must have an issue with dairy products.

And to be honest I am not sure if it's the lactose. My 3rd child is allergic to the cow protein, so that might be it too.

I need some ideas for the whole dairy thing and maybe some more suggestions about the CAKE thing.

Thanks guys!!

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Let's get ready to RUMBLE!!

SO I am participating in the this little weight loss challenge hosted by ZGirl and Dual Mom.

And because I am a slacker, I got off to a late start - oops. So I guess this is the post where I lay it all out on the table. I know I have some IRL people who read this, I am asking that you please don't repeat my actual weight to people. I mean you can surely lie and say "oh, Kelly, she weighs about 150lbs" because that would be super sweet if you would lie for me. I know lying in wrong but come on, please. Pretty please??

Anyways, back to putting in aaallllll out there.

And again, because I am a slacker I did not take a picture of my scale this week. But I have an excuse. My hubby was sitting there and I did not want him to grab the camera and look at the picture because then he would know what I actually weigh. But I pinky swear I am being totally honest and I will have a picture next week.

Weigh In January 4, 2010 = 244.8 (ummmm, wow, that number needs to come down)

Goals = 200lbs by August 1st, 2010. But I know that is a lot and I am taking it 5 lbs at a time.

180lbs by December 31st, 2010 - Again, I know a big goal, but I really think I can do this.

My amazing cousin Lorraine who owns Pro Fitness Camp, gave me so many tools to help me get through this. I have let her down in the past but this time is different. She has spent a lot of time helping me and I owe her this. I owe her at least 35lbs.

Lorraine offers online Personal Training. It's very intense and there is a lot of questions and some forms, but I will tell you what in the end, it is sooooo worth it. I learned a lot about my body and how it processes foods. I learned why foods work for my body and what foods I should avoid.

Of course I didn't want to believe her, so I stuck to the plan for a good 2 months. After that I would fall off every now and then and now I am pretty much back to old habits. Let me tell you, I have never felt worse. My body felt so good sticking to what she told me to eat so when I resorted back to eating sugar, carbs and fat, my body suffered big time.

Anyone who wants to try her out please click on the link above. She is very affordable and has so much knowledge. She also has blog if you want to check her out. She needs some bloggy love!!

Anyways that was kind of a public apology to Lorraine for not keeping with my plan that she worked so hard on and a public pinky swear that I am going back on and going to work very hard.

So here is what I plan to do to make it to my goals.

  • stick to nutrition plan: low carbs, high protein, high healthy fat
  • water: min. of 64 oz a day
  • decaf coffee with non dairy creamer and splenda
  • limit pop, only every now and then
  • stick with exercise plan from Lorraine (starts Tuesday)
  • also I am not going to deprive my self. If I am absolutely craving something I am going to eat it. I am going to eat it in moderation. I am not going to make this an everyday habit.

I am sure I will have more in my next post, but it's 4:05am and I really have to get back to work.