Monday, December 17, 2012

It's that time of year again......

Yep, Christmas time.

The joyous time of year where I am reminded that I don't have a father (here on earth). Yep, Father's Day and Christmas are really good of reminding me of that fact.

My dad left when I was about 7 and was in and out of my life from then. He had a pretty rough life with drugs, alcohol, jail and so on. It really didn't bother me (too much) until he died in 2010. Before he died I always knew he was around. Always knew he would pop in again. That was comforting. After he died I knew I would never see him again. Never get a chance to build a real relationship with him. I didn't so much mourn his death but I mourned of what I would be missing. Missing the chance to be with him. Missing the chance for him to meet my kids. Missing everything. At least when he was still alive there was a chance I would see him on Christmas. I know your probably wondering why I even cared so much anyways, why I loved a man I barely knew. Back in 2007 I met with my dad at his place of living, a local homeless shelter. We had one of the best conversations. My dad admitted he screwed up, he admitted that drugs and alcohol took over his life. He said it was never his plan to leave his kids the way he did. We said the I love you's and we never saw each other again. I found peace with my dad that day. I saw the remorse in his eyes. I knew he had addictions and some addictions are so powerful that you find yourself doing things you never thought you would.

My dad passed away on May 15, 2010. From the moment we found out it was a whirlwind piecing together the last few years of his life. He died coming home from the dentist. He got off the bus, walking towards his home, had a massive heart attack and died instantly on the side of the road.

My dad had a case worker that was helping him get his life together and she did. When my dad died he had an apartment with clothes, food, furniture and even a small flat screen TV. My sister and I spent a couple hours cleaning it out. It was so weird. I felt like I was in a strangers house but at the same time I was saddened because I knew this was my dads house. I kept a few things from his house and have them set around my house. I wanted something of his to remember him by.

About 8 weeks after he died I was able to call the coroner and find out cause of death and toxicology reports. I found out that my father has passed away with NO DRUGS and NO ALCOHOL in his body. This was a major thing for me. I have heard all my life that he was getting clean, he was going to be different, blah, blah, blah. This time he actually did it. He did it. I have never been prouder of my dad. He took a 30ish year addiction and broke it.

At the time I found this out I was so incredibly happy and so sad. I was happy  for the reasons above but sad because now that he was completely sober I would never get to reap the benefits of it, never. It still makes me so sad.

With all that being said, my grandpa, had always stepped in to take over the dad role. From my earliest memories, I always remember being with him and my grandma. Most of my childhood pictures are with my grandpa and grandma. I spent so many nights there. I went on so many vacations with them. I am not going to go into the reasons I was there so much, that's for a nother post. Every major event or decision revolved around them. When I would oversleep for school my grandpa would come and pick me up and take me but not without a pit stop at McDonald's first. Sometimes I would over sleep on purpose and I think he knew that. We would run errands together. My grandpa walked me down the aisle when I married my first husband. He dressed up and looked so handsome. I have many pictures of us two that day that I proudly display even though I have since remarried (only pictures of me and him, not the ex..LOL). There is just so much I could write. I just can't seem to get my thoughts in order right now.

My grandpa died May 18, 2001. That was a horrible horrible day. I don't think I have even felt pain like that before. It was all such a blur. The whole weekend.

So with these two men gone what do I have left. Pretty much nothing. And, yes, I know that I do have my heavenly Father and I am so thankful for that, but it's just not the same. I have no one to buy gifts for. No one to ask for advice. You know, that sorta thing. I don't have a great relationship with my father in law. There are only two men who are really there in a father sense. One is my uncle. He walked me down the aisle at my second wedding. He gives advice. He is great to talk to. BUT, he has his own family, his own kids, his own grandkids. I have to try and not overstep my boundaries. The other person is my ex father in law. He really has done a alot for me. I can't tell you how many times I've called him in a pickle and he helps me out. I could go on and on about him but again, I have to watch my boundaries. This is my ex father in law. He has a new daughter in law.

So for the past two years I have spent the holidays honoring my husband. He is a father, but not mine. He is a great man who deserves to be honored.

But it's just not enough. I have some kinda hole in me. I have a yearning for a dad. I think I had better just give up this hope. It's so hard to let go of the wanting and needing a father.

Here is my and my dad in September 2007, the last time I ever saw him.

Here is me and my grandpa (photo taken by grandma). We are celebrating my birthday. One of my favorite pictures ever.


christina scott said...

I can relate. This time of year makes me feel the void from not having my mom, never gets easier.