And My Decison Is.......

So I didnt end up taking either position. I emailed her on Thursday and asked for a meeting on Friday. I wanted to give her my decision face to face so she could she that I still have all my passion for the job, but the jobs that were offered to me I couldnt accept due to babysitting issues and finances.

I met with her at 11am and it went really well I was able to turn down both jobs and explain why to her face. I think she was able to see my passion and my issues with taking the jobs.

But even walking in at 11am I was still not excatly sure what I was going to say or do.

But.... she said she was working on another option for me. She could not tell me much about it except that is was the 16 hr job and another job here in Akron and it was weekdays during the day. I pretty much told her I would take it. She explained that she needed till Wednesday to talk to some other people and put everything in place. She seemed pretty confident about the position happening and she said she would call me by Wednesday to either offer me the job or tell me she needed more time to get it together. But it looks like I might me heading back to work alot sooner then I expected.

All I can say is that I am very happy with how the meeting went and I am very excited to hear the options on Wednesday if she has everything ready.

I just want to get back to work. I want to help the women and the children. I want to make a difference. Thats all I want to do. This is absolutley the hardest job (besides being a mom and wife) that I have ever had. It takes the most compassion and emotions then I know what to do with at times. And I am now starting to get the hang of it. When I fisrt started I was putting too much of my personal life into the job, putting myself in the situations, thinking, what if this was me and my kids. What is someone did this to me and my babies. I am learning how to seperate that and focus on the client. I am learning how to come home and really truly appreciate everything I have. I am learning to leave my work at work. Leave my emotions at work and pick them up the next day. Remind you, I said I am learning, I have not mastered that but I am surley learning.

I just want to go back :(

Big things are coming.....

So here is my big dilema, I got a call yesterday from one of my bosses asking me to come the shelter staff meeting next Monday, so I could stay on top of things. I was over the moom thay they called and want me to come, that means I am still an employee and I am on there minds. Well today I get a call from the same boss offering me two positions, so here they are, then I am going to list all my concerns about all the options, so you better have your reading glasses on and a cup of coffee (or any preferred drink) cause this is going to get complicated.

Hours are as follows: Monday and Tueday 8 hrs each day ( I can work out the actual hours worked) and this is at one of the Akron shelters, which is like 2 miles from my house and the same shelter I have worked at before
Then....
Friday, Saturday and Sunday 4pm till Midnight at the Medina shelter, which is a good half hour away

so that would equal 40 hours, soooo.....

I dont know if I am ready to give up my weekends. I would be able to do nothing and lets not forget the drive and he gas money (my car gets about 14miles per gallon)

If I just take the 16 hour a week a job that is not enough to pay bills and I would lose my unemployment.

If I dont take any of them, I think that would look really bad and they might think that I am not serious about coming back.

And let me clarify, boss lady said she was "offering" me both, or either of the poistions.

Or, I could counter offer with this, I could offer to volunteer Tues, Weds and Thurs for about 4 hours a day doing the work of the 16 hr a week job and I could still collect my full unemplyment until mid july. That way I am still "working" and I am availabe for any full time position that comes up in the Akron area.

Or if I take the 16 a week job there is always the possibilty of picking up shifts, you know when people call off or vacation or such, after looking at the budgets and bills, we could pull this off with me only working 24 a week, but those sub shifts are not guaranteed

I just have a really bog decision to make and my mind is spinning. I really want to go back but I really dont want to work so far away and lose every weekend, if it was 8am to 4pm, sure I would take it, but it's not. I would have to leave me house by 315-330 to make it to work by 4, then I wouldnt get home until 1230 at the earliest and have to get up with the kids in the morning. Then on Sundays work 3-midnight and prolly be in to the other shelter around 9am

I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!

I am going to have to write this all down on a piece of paper and get all my thoughts organized and really think about this decision.

I really really really want to work there. I absolutley love it, so leaving is not an option, but if I dont take either of the jobs, then who knows what else I would get offered. And what if they get offened about the volunteerring to do the job.

But as a wife and mother, I do have to think about the financial well being of my family. I do have to put our needs first rather then mine. I have to make sure I make enough money to put food on the table and gas in the car and pay the bills we have to pay,

Sure Matt makes decent money but the reality is, it's not enough, I do have to work, I do have to pay some of the bills. I need to bring in $950 a month, thats what I need to contribute and by taking the 16 hour a week job that leaves me almost $350 short of that goal. With the 16hr job, I need to bring in about $100 more a week then what I would get paid.

I just dont know what to do. I am sooooo confused!!

Oh and this $950 does not include the babysitter, thats just what we need right now while I am not working when I start full time then we need to add $480 on to that. But I am not thinking clearly right now and things are getting so jumbled.

I just need to start a spreadsheet of all the options and sit down with Matt and figure out the best road to go...

And did I mention I had until Friday, Monday at the very latest- Ughhhh -Lord Help Me!!

All I've done is sit.......

So I got laid off Wednesday and all I have done is veg. I have been so down and depressed. I just want my job back. I want to go to work and see the residents and the kids. I want to get up every five seconds and answer the door and let smokers in. I want to go in and listen to the womens stories and how they got there.
For thos of you who might not know, but I used to work at the Battered Womens Shelter of Summit and Medina counties and I was the youth advocate. I was one of 4 people let go on Wednesday due to funding.
Everything just seems sorta weird, like this cannot be happening I have finally found something that I love to do and I can't even do it. I feel as if God put me there for a reason and now I can't be there, but I know it was his plan to remove me from there too, so I will have to wait and see what happens.
I have actualy been very productive since I have been laid off. I have already done the unemployment and I am ready to go and since I dont have to pay a babysitter anymore and with the amount they are paying me, I am actually banking about $200 more a month, so I guess that works out for me. I have finished Emma's scrapbook for Kindergarten and I am ready to finish up Landon and Chase this week but I have all the pics and everything is organized. I have cleaned out drawers and baskets everywhere. I haven't done a lot of big cleaning but I have been doing the nooks and crannies right now. I figure I have plenty of time to get the big stuff done.
I got Emma all signed up for Cheerleading. She has cheer clinic Feb 21 through March 14, but only on saturdays. Then March 16 through 19 she has pracitce from 530 to 730 and March 20 is from 500 to 600 and tryouts are Saturday March 21. She also has to have white shirt, black shorts and clean white tennis shoes. Now do you think I had any of that, nope, so I have already run to Target and got the shoes and the shirt.
Chnage the subject.... A big part of my problem is that I am not a stay at home mom. I get angry and frustrated too easy with the kids. I love them, but I funtion muchc better when I go to work then come home. I am scared. I dont know what I am going to do every single day. Actaually the only days I am concerned about are Monday, Thursday, Friday and Sunday. Matt is off work all the other days. I have looked in Story Times at my local libraries and they are all in the evening or during naptime. And the mommy group at church in on a Monday night and doesnt start until March 9th. Well, I might want to clarify my hubbys schedule: Monday 10am to 930pm, Thursday 830 am - 930pm, Friday noon to 930pm and Sunday 830am - 500pm, so as you can clearly see Monday and Thursday are my very long days. I need to have a plan. I need to plan activities and outings everyweek. Like right now the kids are fighting again, screaming and crying and I cant handle it. I am fighting back tears trying to figure out how to make it all stop. But thats all the boys do fight and sream and cry, thats it. I swear. I spend so much of my day yelling at them, it's just so not worth it. I stay home just to yell and put them in time out every five seconds. And maybe I'm not such a good mom but I dont know what else to do and I am at the end of my rope. I have no one to help, my mother in law is quite the bitch and all my other friends and family have things going on, I dont have enough m0ney to put them in day care or anything, even just part time. I need to have my job back. I hate just rambling but I feel to trapped. I am not an winter person, so we dont go out and play. We do runerrnads like crazy but I cant do that every day of my life, theres only so many errands you can run. And like today I actauuly have to go to the grocery store but the roads are crap and its really cold, I dont want to make the kids go out in this just because I need to get out of the house. I know some of the moms that read this are not going to be able to relate and thats fine and some of you are. I know that what I need to do is a major attitude change. My mind set is already set of for faliure. It's just with losing my job and the MRI and bickering with the hubby the last few days, I just feel so alone. I know my friends have there own problems but damn no one can come visit or whatever I always drop whatever I'm doing for anybody else, but when something happenes to me all I get is "I'm sorry to hear about your job" and a few phone calls. Dont people know when it's apporiate to make a visit to your friends house. When you call and shes crying yet again or you can hear the frustraion in her voice. I just feel sooo alone. Every one is so involved with them selves. I had better stop typing, the boys are actually watching TV quietly so I am taking this opportunity to go and sit with them on the couch.

Loserville.... Party on One

I lost my job today, I am not ready to talk about it but when I do I am sure I will blog alot about it, basically lost it due to funding and my grant being lost.

Not much to say

So I am having a problem of finding things to blog about. I dont have awhole lot going on right now. We finally got a "new" car. It's a 99 Cherokee and it's not that bad. My hubby has a few things to fix on it and we have to get it painted ASAP. The hood and fenders are black and I do not want to continue to drive around like that. Then the heater, it only blows on high which is really annoying and loud, then the rear shocks, which again is a small problem but it sounds like it's going to fall apart, but hubby assured me it wasn't. Then the big thing to me is something called a steering stablizer. Right now when you turn the steering wheel an awful sound clicks and the steering wheel has trouble turning. Hubby bought that part last night and is waiting for the weather to not be so freezing, then he can replace that. He actually bought all the parts but only the steering thing was in stock, man I love the fact that he works at a place where he can get parts soooo cheap and pretty qucik. All the parts came to $100 and some change. So after he fixes the three little problems and it gets painted it will be a pretty nice car for me.

My friend Tara called me today and told me they are sending home the cheerleading sign up papers today for Emma. I am soooo excited. Last year they had 4 sign ups and we missed the first one, so we went to go to the second one and the last three where cancelled because they had to many girls sign up at the first one. This time I am going to show up a half hour early and wait there. I WILL get her signed up this year. I can't have her disappointed two years in a row. Oh, and for those of you that dont know, Tara is a teacher in the public school system where my daughter attends. She gives me the scoop and all the help I need with Emma. And she is a big help to me always.

And with Landon and the whole still peeing the bed thing, my monster in law told me that she heard that giving them a teaspoon on honey before bed will stop the bed wetting, so guess what, I went out today and bought some honey. I am going to try it tonight and see if it works. I usually don't take any advice from her but at this point I am willing to try anything.

Well, I had better get back to work. Gotta a busy day and lots of kids and women need my help :)

It's MRI Result Time....

So, I have now had a headache for 18 straight days. I went to the doc on day 11 and he scheduled me for an MRI on day 14. I got the results yesterday and I have a small bleed up in my head, but that will go away on it's own. Doc said to keep taking ibuprofen cause that helps the swelling in my brain, which in turn helps the bleeding, which helps the pain, BUT.... it is sooooo hard on my tummy. And the doc also put me blood pressure medication that I will prolly have to take like 4ever now, but if it helps with my head then thats fine.

I know it's been a very long time since my last blog, but seriously, not a whole lot is happening. My stepdad is recovering at home and I am pretty sure he is doing well.

Lets start with the kidsEmma - she is doing really well, I got her report card and she is doing so good, I Am soooo proud of her.

Landon: that litlle spit fire, he drives me nuts daily. Most days I feel like I cant control him. He just kinda does what he wants when he wants. I am trying to figure him out, but who knows with 3 year olds. And we are having a potty training issue. He is fully trained during the day, he is awesome, but the night is another story. He pees the bed every night. We cut him off like 630 - 700pm and they go to bed at 915pm, and typically they dont go to sleep until 1030 or so. And after we put them in bed he will usually come out once and pee in the potty and we make him go before we even put him to bed. SO WHY IS HE PEEING HIS BED??????????? I need some suggestions, so please comment or email me.

And Baby Chase: He is turing into his brother, he is starting to get a mouth and an attitude and all he wants to do is to fight with his brother. These two children fight and scream almost all day. But Chase is still a little cuddler and so loving.

So I guess that pretty much brings everyone up to date. We really havent been doing awhole lot because of the darn snow. Did I mention I hate snow!!!! I am so glad it's all melting and all the snow is gone for right now. Well, I guess I should get back to work :)

I feel so bad......

So I have not been a nice person lately. I have been snapping at my sister, my friends, my husband and my children. I NEED A BREAK!!! but on the other hand I want to do fun stuff with my hubby and children but leave whenever I want to. I think this is normal but who knows.

My best friends mom died today a little before 330pm. I feel terrible for her and I am finding my self getting really upset and crying over this. I have only met her mom a handful a times but I cant understand why I am so upset. I think I am upset for my friend who just lost her mother to cancer. Then it gets me thinking about my own mother and well you know the rest. And to top it off I dont know what I can do for her. I want to be there and help out and do whatever I can but I dont know what that is. I wish I could just do more, be a better friend.

So I am not sure why this blog is so blah, my myspace one is so much better. Maybe I need to change when I am blogging or something. If you want check out www.myspace.com/wolfe528 You wont be disappointed