Sunday, February 22, 2009

All I've done is sit.......

So I got laid off Wednesday and all I have done is veg. I have been so down and depressed. I just want my job back. I want to go to work and see the residents and the kids. I want to get up every five seconds and answer the door and let smokers in. I want to go in and listen to the womens stories and how they got there.
For thos of you who might not know, but I used to work at the Battered Womens Shelter of Summit and Medina counties and I was the youth advocate. I was one of 4 people let go on Wednesday due to funding.
Everything just seems sorta weird, like this cannot be happening I have finally found something that I love to do and I can't even do it. I feel as if God put me there for a reason and now I can't be there, but I know it was his plan to remove me from there too, so I will have to wait and see what happens.
I have actualy been very productive since I have been laid off. I have already done the unemployment and I am ready to go and since I dont have to pay a babysitter anymore and with the amount they are paying me, I am actually banking about $200 more a month, so I guess that works out for me. I have finished Emma's scrapbook for Kindergarten and I am ready to finish up Landon and Chase this week but I have all the pics and everything is organized. I have cleaned out drawers and baskets everywhere. I haven't done a lot of big cleaning but I have been doing the nooks and crannies right now. I figure I have plenty of time to get the big stuff done.
I got Emma all signed up for Cheerleading. She has cheer clinic Feb 21 through March 14, but only on saturdays. Then March 16 through 19 she has pracitce from 530 to 730 and March 20 is from 500 to 600 and tryouts are Saturday March 21. She also has to have white shirt, black shorts and clean white tennis shoes. Now do you think I had any of that, nope, so I have already run to Target and got the shoes and the shirt.
Chnage the subject.... A big part of my problem is that I am not a stay at home mom. I get angry and frustrated too easy with the kids. I love them, but I funtion muchc better when I go to work then come home. I am scared. I dont know what I am going to do every single day. Actaually the only days I am concerned about are Monday, Thursday, Friday and Sunday. Matt is off work all the other days. I have looked in Story Times at my local libraries and they are all in the evening or during naptime. And the mommy group at church in on a Monday night and doesnt start until March 9th. Well, I might want to clarify my hubbys schedule: Monday 10am to 930pm, Thursday 830 am - 930pm, Friday noon to 930pm and Sunday 830am - 500pm, so as you can clearly see Monday and Thursday are my very long days. I need to have a plan. I need to plan activities and outings everyweek. Like right now the kids are fighting again, screaming and crying and I cant handle it. I am fighting back tears trying to figure out how to make it all stop. But thats all the boys do fight and sream and cry, thats it. I swear. I spend so much of my day yelling at them, it's just so not worth it. I stay home just to yell and put them in time out every five seconds. And maybe I'm not such a good mom but I dont know what else to do and I am at the end of my rope. I have no one to help, my mother in law is quite the bitch and all my other friends and family have things going on, I dont have enough m0ney to put them in day care or anything, even just part time. I need to have my job back. I hate just rambling but I feel to trapped. I am not an winter person, so we dont go out and play. We do runerrnads like crazy but I cant do that every day of my life, theres only so many errands you can run. And like today I actauuly have to go to the grocery store but the roads are crap and its really cold, I dont want to make the kids go out in this just because I need to get out of the house. I know some of the moms that read this are not going to be able to relate and thats fine and some of you are. I know that what I need to do is a major attitude change. My mind set is already set of for faliure. It's just with losing my job and the MRI and bickering with the hubby the last few days, I just feel so alone. I know my friends have there own problems but damn no one can come visit or whatever I always drop whatever I'm doing for anybody else, but when something happenes to me all I get is "I'm sorry to hear about your job" and a few phone calls. Dont people know when it's apporiate to make a visit to your friends house. When you call and shes crying yet again or you can hear the frustraion in her voice. I just feel sooo alone. Every one is so involved with them selves. I had better stop typing, the boys are actually watching TV quietly so I am taking this opportunity to go and sit with them on the couch.


Emma said...

Sorry to hear about your job dear, I hope the realize how important you were over there!!! i'm glad it seems like your keeping busy though, thats important, good luck finding another one or with whatever you choose to do right now!!! keep your chin up!!!

Hula's Secret Blog said...

Oh I'm sorry you're having a rough time, and about your job. It's nice that you've gotten stuff done around your house. And the whole stay at home mom thing can probably get old realllllll fast. Maybe look in the paper, or online for scheduled activities for kids. A lot of libraries and barnes and noble and borders have free story times during the week. Maybe if you had more of a routine where you got out more you would feel better.