Sunday, February 26, 2012

My Debt is Paid....

My debt is paid.

My debt is paid.

Why cannot I not seem to grasp that???

Why can’t I let myself off the hook?

Why when I lay in bed, I think about something dumb I did as a teenager?

Why can’t I just let it go?

If my God is able to forgive my past, why can’t I?

Well, let’s stop for a second. Maybe this is a process. I didn’t feel like this a few years ago. I felt worse. Much worse. Maybe God is working on me a little at a time. Maybe I am just too stubborn that I can’t forgive myself. Maybe my faith isn’t as great as I thought it was.

I cannot wait for the night where I go to bed and I DON’T think about dumb things I have done or said. It’s almost like it haunts me. I let it haunt me.

As I type this I am being haunted about something I did last night. I drank. I didn’t drink a ton, but I drank. I drank more then I should of. God has been working in me for over a year in this area. I used to drink so much. So much that I was hiding it. My husband didn’t even know (till right now..haha). I would be sitting somewhere, anywhere, and I could taste the liquor in my mouth. My cravings were out of control. I cannot even begin to explain that cravings. It was like something took over my body. It was bad. BUT in the past year I have been praying about it. I have asked God to take away the cravings and guess what!!! They are GONE. No cravings. Yes, I still drink. I will have some wine every now and then. I will have a cocktail at dinner while eating out. BUT I can now stop. I don’t even have to think about it, I just stop and I and my body are ok with that. Well, last night something came over me and I just wanted to drink. I wanted to drink so badly. And I did. I did not get crazy drunk or anything, but I drank more then I should of.

It was just so weird. And please don’t think I’m crazy. But as I was drinking, I KNEW it was wrong and dumb. I knew it. It’s almost as if I had my little good angel on one shoulder and my little bad Satan on the other shoulder. Someone would ask me if I would like another and immediately my brain would go crazy……yes…no…yes…no…..yes. The “yes” won last night, at least for a little while.

SO back to the beginning…….my debt is paid. So my debt is paid even though I was not obedient??? On purpose??? I knew it was wrong and yet I still did it.

So then I have to take a time out. I have to remember that I am a work in progress. I have to remember that we were all born sinners. I have to remember that none of us are free from sin. I have to remember we all “fall off the wagon”. And just as Pastor Brenda said this morning “Jesus will not linger on our shortcomings”.

Now, with that being said I know this does not give me the right to go out and disobey his word. I take this as an opportunity to pray about my shortcomings. I take this opportunity to talk to my husband and my trusted friends in Christ.

My journey with Christ is my own. My God has healed me in so many ways and I still have much more to go through. I have my faith. I know God will heal every part of me but in his time. I know I am a child of Christ. I know my debts are paid. I know my Father loves me unconditionally. I KNOW I will overcome through Christ. I know at the end of day and if I lose everything and everyone, I will always have my Father, always. I am always thankful for everything and everyone God has given me. And that includes the good and the bad.

Sidebar: I just noticed how much my attitude changed from writing the first sentence till the last sentence. As I was writing, I found myself forgiving myself for last night. I found myself at peace. I asked God to forgive me for my disobedience. I feel peaceful right now.