Sunday, February 19, 2012

How Do I Find Me???

Church today was life changing. Yes, I know that every single service for me is life changing but this one hit REALLY close to home.

Pastor Brenda gave a really good analogy. Imagine yourself as a cup, a cup of spiritual energy. When your cup in full, you are at your full potential to live and speak HIS word.

ALL cups have holes, small holes, big holes, lots of holes, and couple of holes. All of us have holes.

When your cup has holes you are not able to give your all to God and his word. You are not able to fully share the wealth of the Christian life.

She continued on to say that there are 3 HUGE holes most of us have.

1. Blaming other people

2. Caring what other people think of you, being yourself

3. Priorities

Let's start with number one.

We tend to blame others for our problems. We blame our spouses for the issues we have. I have done this MANY MANY times and I continue to do it. Maybe it's as simple as maybe I mumble something and he does not hear me correctly. He asks me to repeat it and then I get crappy about it because "if he was really listening, he would have heard me correctly". Sounds dumb, but it happens. Or the reason I have intimacy issues is because of my mom and dad did not raise me right and I slept around a little too much. I can totally turn this around to make it all my mothers and fathers fault. In the end no one is at fault but me. I am responsible for my own decisions.

This is an area I have made great strides in. I used to live life blaming everyone and everything for anything that did not turn out right. In the past few years I am seeing things in a whole new light. My marital issues (whether it be my ex husband or current) are a two way street. Neither of us is perfect. I sure do have my faults and my husband (s) has faults as well. Sometimes they do not mesh well at all. I have had to step back many times and examine what it is that I am doing wrong and how to fix it. I pray everyday for these faults of mine, some small, some large.

So this "hole" in my life is sort of an easy one to deal with. I am actively praying and working on this DAILY.

The second hole in the cup.

This one is my toughie. I am a people pleaser and a big meanie all wrapped into one. I care very deeply of what people think of me.

Am I a good mom? Am I too fat? Do I cuss too much? Am I discipline my kids correctly? Am I keeping up with the Jones's? Does my house look nice enough? Are my clothes ok? Do my kids look ok? Is my car newer? I could go on and on asking questions about myself.

Today I realized I live for other people. Pastor Brenda told me that I need to find my true self because that is what the creator made. Well guess what?? I have been pretending so long that I have no idea who I am. Of course this all hit me at the service today and of course I started crying. And then I thought that I needed to stop crying because people are going to look at me weird.

I cannot stop wondering what people think of me. I can't. I have been thinking about "who am I?" for the last 8 hours. And you know what I came up with???? ready for this??? It’s going to get kind of weird (and here I am again hoping not to be judged)
• A crier
• Worthless
• A bitch
• A fat ass
• Insecure
• Ugly
• Too hairy
• Selfish
• Perfectionist
• Procrastinator
• A good friend
• A heart to help others in distress, even if I don’t know them
• A grudge holder
• A slut
• A horrible wife
• A yeller
• I cuss to much
• I am an addict
• I am dirty
• A bad mom
• A better mom then my mother
• Horrible eater, I give my kids no healthy influence
• Passive aggressive
• In impulse buyer
• A spender, not saver
• A good listener
• A good problem solver
• A genuine care for those less fortunate

I have decided today not to let these things get in the way of my life anymore!! I am going to print this list out and I am going to pray to our God every single day until I can let go of all the horrible qualities that I think makes me who I am. I am going to pray to our creator to show me who I really am. I am going to pray to show me that way to be the person I was created to be. I know my Father did not create me to be a bitch, to be insecure, to be an addict. These are choices that I made. Choices I made because of the people who influenced me to believe these things. And no I am not blaming anyone. It was my decision to believe these things. I chose to believe what I have been told. I chose to believe the lies that were fed to me during my life. I let the devil get inside me and use these hurtful things against me. I am the only one to blame. From this day forward I am going to listen to my one and only Father so HE can tell me who I really am. I want to live up to his potential.

I know this is going to be such a long hard road. I have a lot to change. The biggest thing on my list is the feeling that I am worthless. Since I can remember I have always felt this way. This is something that has been drilled in my head for so long. I have always felt like I don’t deserve anything. I don’t deserve true love. I don’t deserve to look pretty and on and on. So I ask of you, please pray for me too. Please pray that I can fight this inner demon. I have faith in my God that I will prevail. I will come out in the end on top.

And last but not least, hole number three. Priorities.

Pastor Brenda continued on to say that most of us do not have our priorities in order. In my case that is true. I live my life for other people. I do not live my life for myself. I need to put God first then my family. As Pastor Brenda said today…..People come and go (and yes, she even mentioned her own husband) but God will always stay. I have to make our creator my number one priority. Once I make him my number one, my family can and will function to its full potential.

So, with this all said, and yes I know it’s a lot but I have a lot on my mind, here is my summary of all of the above. I NEED TO MAKE GOD MY #1 PRIORITY. IN RETURN I WILL BE ABLE TO FIND THE REAL ME THEN I WILL BE ABLE TO BE A BETTER MOTHER AND WIFE.

So there it is. Someone of you will disagree with what I have written and some of you will agree. But I can honestly tell you, I DON’T CARE what anyone thinks about this blog post. I am in it to win it. I am going to have my life revolve around God. I am going to make my life go according to his word. I am going to be who God wants me to be.

Now, with that being said, I am asking you to pray. Please pray for me and my family. Please pray for my faith. Please pray for my hurt. Please pray that the light with shine through. Please pray these demons leave my body and mind.

In his heavenly name……

Thank You


Brenda said...

You are an amazing person. I am praying that Jesus will reshape your self-image so you can see the amazing you that you truly are. I love you.

And you are an amazing writer.

Aunt S in AL said...

You can't imagine your value in this family AND in this universe. You were created for a purpose. Every experience we've had, good and bad, is what molded us for our own good. We have God-given abilities to think and feel - none of which is wrong in itself. Only if we let it control us. You're more special than you know. Me and Uncle W look forward to the day when you and your family can visit Alabama. Love you LOTS!!!