Thursday, February 4, 2010

Pity Party for me

I am about to have a pity party for myself. So now is your time to leave if you don't want to hear someone go on and on about feeling sorry for herself.

I went to the doctor today. After lots of examination and a chest xray, I was given the diagnoses of walking pneumonia. He also gave me prescriptions for antibiotics and an inhaler. That's not the whiney part.

Whiney part - after paying my co pay, I realized that I have no money to get my prescriptions filled. NONE. I am the only one to blame for my poor money management. It just really sucks that I can't even afford to get my stinking prescriptions paid for. I feel like a complete LOSER. I am sick as anything and I am going to continue to be sick until Friday when I can fill those suckers. So I sit here typing, sick as a dog feeling sorry for myself because I suck at money management and have no money to get my medicine.

Then (here comes the better part), after balancing my checkbook, I realized that I didn't even have enough money for a co pay. I only had $30 and some odd cents in my account and had to write a check for $35. So if your any good at math, that will tell you I am going to overdraft my account. YEAH!! A $34 fee on top of everything. So now I am sick with no meds and probably going to get an overdraft fee. I ROCK!

More whiney part - And the last 2 weeks, I have felt myself going down. I mean I am headed for another depression. I feel my body and mind shutting down. I feel myself eating out of control, pulling away from people and not wanting to do anything.

This happens alot but they were getting farther apart. I guess not anymore.

I wish I could control it but I can't. I barely have enough money for bills, gas, and groceries. There is no way I can add doctor copays and prescriptions every month. Just not gonna happen. Trust me. We don't have ANY credit cards and we have to pay for everything we have with the cash we have. I do feel blessed that we are able to pay all the bills and put food on our table with just the money we make at our jobs, but it's not enough. It's not enough to buy toiletries, it's not enough to go to the doctor when we need to. It's not enough to do fun things with the kids. It's just not enough.

I am just a bag full of emotions and most of them not good. I have a cup half empty look on life right now. Poor me, nothing can go my way. That's what I am feeling.

I am not looking for someone to tell me it's gonna be alright, I am not looking for people to yell at me. I am looking for someone to tell me they know how I feel, they have been there. They are living that life. I just want to know that I am not alone. Because I feel alone.

I feel that my friends and family have there lives together and there's poor Kelly, still trying to get her act together. I feel like people sit around and talk about what a horrible, lazy person I am. "Look at Kelly, she's having money problems yet again and by the way, do you see what a horrible mom she is?" That is seriously what I think is happening. I am not even joking.

I know I am probably out of my mind but that's ok, because here's the difference between me and other crazy people. I admit it. I admit I am messed up and need help. I admit I have mental issues. I admit I am bad with money management. I admit I am not the World's Best Mom. I admit all this stuff. But on the flip side, once I admit it to myself it takes me to a dark depressing place where I feel like everyone else sees all this.

It sucks.


Mad Woman said...

Oh sweetie. I DO know how you feel and I HAVE been there. In fact, I'm still kind of there. I was very lucky when I lived in Canada that a doctor visit was free and we had a benefits plan through hubby's work to help cut the cost of prescriptions. Now that we're here? I'm paying for visits and full price for the meds.

We're SLOWLY crawling back out of the hole. And, I know you said you didn't want to hear this but, you will too! It will get better. I'm not sure when or how but it will.

Send me an email won't you? I have a few other things I'd like to say but not on here!

Dual Mom said...

It was quite a while ago...but I came home from work one night to discover my electricity had been cut off because I didn't have the money to pay the bill. Try explaining that one to three kids.

So yeah, been there done that. And you know what....I bet you're not a bad mom at all. I bet your kids love to you to pieces.

Heather said...

(((hugs))) I hope you are feeling better soon. I know that our pharmacy will bill you for the meds if you are unable to pay for them. I know its Thursday and you only have one more day to go, but if this situation ever arises again, talk to your doc, a lot of times they have samples that they can give you to get you to a point where you can get the meds.

JQ Brat said...

i'm right there with you. i'm on anxiety meds and i couldn't afford the refill so i went without for a whole week and when the withdrawal kicked in, it was not pretty. luckily my sister had some valium i could borrow or it would have been worse.
i used to suffer depression really bad for years. i switched from birth control pills to the depo shot and the depression went away. it was amazing but really sucked knowing that the pills were the cause and i could have been depression free years ago!
i live paycheck to paycheck too. sometimes i have to go three months between grocery shopping trips. we've run out of fuel oil and we didn't have heat, i had to borrow the money. and then the stress of having to pay it back was terrible.
so, you are definitely not alone! i hope things get a little better and a little brighter for you soon.

Resentful Wife said...

Yes, Heather is offices do have sample meds and if you tell them during your appointment that you can't afford your prescription, they usually will help you out and at least get you started.

You are not alone...everything that you posted could have been written by me. I've been so low (um, like just last week and the week before) that I've had to sell plasma for gas money. I know the depression thing, too. It comes on like a dark cloud in the distance...and then before you know it, it's looming over you. Could it be some hormone stuff going on, too? I used to suffer from PMS severely and then I started taking some multi-vitamins and B12 and Omega 3 fish oils and I feel much, much better. It's amazing how much better I feel. It won't get better overnight, tho, you have to take them every day for a good month before you notice anything...and you may not even notice it until you consciously stop and think about how you're not ready to stab someone because you're so pissed and depressed about your life.

Whew! I wrote a book! Sorry...

Hope you feel better soon!