Welcome to my life. This weekend has been so craptastic. It's been so bad that I seriously cannot put into words.

I am just so over certain things in my life but those things are constantly being put right in my face.

I know it sounds like I'm just being a whiny baby, but whatever, I just don't care anymore. I got problems, you got problems and you know what....I am just sick and tired of it all. I am sick and tired of just putting them in the back of my mind and I'll deal with them later. I am sick of not sticking up for myself regardless of who or what has hurt me.

I am just so over it. I demand respect. I demand to be treated like a human being. I will stop being the girl who every one dumps on ALL THE TIME.

These people will be out of my life faster then I can type this sentence.

I am sorry I am unable to please everyone all the flippin time. It just ain't gonna happen. Nope. And I'm going to be selfish for once in my life and I am going to try and make me happy. You don't like it? Well then quit reading my blog. For real. I have been hurt enough in this past weekend to last me a year. Seriously, it was like 6 different things this weekend. I'm done.

So stinking tired of being a walking dormat for everyone. So tired.

Oh, and my kids will come first. They will always come first. So I am sorry I did not invite you to my daughter's birthday party (because I invite you every year and you never come so this year I saved a stamp) and you call me a "bitch". Nice, real classy. Real freakin classy. And please, please continue to talk nasty about me to other friends and family cause one day it's gonna bite you back. Karma's a bitch....oh wait, apparently so am I. How sweet!!!

I know I am not perfect and I have NEVER pretended to be. I have problems and issues just like everyone else. One thing different about me is I lack the ability to keep quiet about them. In the past 10 years or so I have been an open book. That makes some people very uncomfortable. But whatever, that's me. I spent so much my 31 years here on earth hiding so much and years ago I decided not to. So yeah, I post way to much stuff on Facebook, I blog about private things. But for me this is who I am. If I am dealing with something I'm going to talk about it. And 99% of the time there is someone out there that has some really damn good advice. And had I not spoken about my issue, I may not of received that awesome advice.

And just to add, most of the time I do not give names of friends or family whom I have issues with. My intent is for me to openly deal with the issues, not to start new ones. As you can see from my last 100 or so post I rarely speak about someone directly (haha..ok, twice I did, once about my ex brother in law and once about my ex husband)/ Out of 100 posts I spoke about TWO people directly. So whatever. And yes, I know that was so 1990.

Ugh!! I am so fed up right now. I want certain people in my life to back off and take care of their own crap and leave me and my kids alone.

I wish I could go more into detail about what's going on but I don't do that. Because it's wrong to publicly state someone else's wrong doings.....hint hint.

So today I am praying for peace. I need peace to wash over my body. I need to focus on the good things in my life and know that life is going to go on. I need peace to wash over me for all the relationships that were broken this weekend. I need peace to have this sick feeling washed out of me. Me and my kids ARE going to come out on top.

Something New....

I think it's time to talk about something new around here.

I know.....let's talk about how I started running. No, that is not a typo. I seriously started running.

I have not ran since sometime in 2001, for reals. And back then when I did run it was mandatory because of the Army and I still ran REALLY bad. Like 2 miles in 17 minutes. That was my best run ever. And considering the max time I had is 17:58, it was still bad.

This time my running is not mandatory, well, kinda. Anyone who knows me in real life knows that in high school I was tall and thin. I stayed that way pretty much until I got pregnant in 2001 with Emma. I took the whole eating for 2 waaaaaaaaayyyyyy to far. So I gained approx 130 lbs while pregnant. Yes, seriously. I remember I had a Mother / Daughter banquet 18 days after she was born and I had nothing to wear so I had to go buy new pants and they were a size 22. A freakin size 22.  That was so not cool.

So to make a long story really short, I worked on weight loss for a long time but it was hard BUT as I was going through my divorce in early 2004 I lost pretty much the rest of it. And it felt good and I looked good.

In 2005 I got married and got pregnant again. I gained a little weight but I was cool with it. I still looked pretty good. So I gave birth to Landon and right away I started Weight Watchers. I did really good and got back to the weight I was when I married (for the second time).

Well, then I got pregnant again when Landon was 9 weeks old and it was reliving my Emma pregnancy over again. I was addicted to a triple layer homemade chocolate cake from a local diner here. One huge piece EVERY night for at least 6 months. I bet you can guess where this is going.

So I gave birth to Chase and my weight was not too bad. I had about 40lbs to lose but really not that bad.  So instead of losing the baby weight I gained almost 50 more lbs!!! Chase is now 5 1/2 and I weigh 50 lbs more now then the day I delivered him.

Soooooo, it's time to make a change. I need to get healthy. I need to lose weight. I need to be able to ride a bike more then 4 houses down. I need to be able to make in around the rink at least once on roller skates. I need to show my kids a healthy life style.

Now is the time. I started the Couch to 5K program almost a week and a half ago. I have ran more in 4 short runs then I have ran in over 10 years. I am watching what I eat and counting calories. I am doing awesome. I am not really doing a "diet" but just watching what I eat and not going over the set amount of calories. I make sure that I get some sort of workout in every day.

I'm also doing this smart. I am setting realistic calorie and weight loss goals for myself. I am doing this slow so I can keep off the weight.

My ultimate goal is to lose 100 lbs. So far (one week weigh in), I lost 9 lbs. I am only 31 lbs away from my first goal and I still have over 7 months to get there!!!

I am just so excited to get to the point of running an actual 5K. Who knows, maybe after that I will do the 5K to 10K program.

Wish me luck and say lots of prayers!!!

And Life Goes On........

Life has been extremely crazy since my mom and step dad were arrested. Here is a summary of events:

Got a job.

Quit said job.

Got new job.

Sister and her 2 kids moved in. Making our house have 2 five year olds, a 6 year old, a 7 year old, a 8 year old and a 9 year old. Plus me, Matt and my sister.

Rearranged alot to make her kids a "bedroom". Which consisted of moving things, cleaning, and begging and buying 3 mattresses, 3 box springs, and frames.

Did I mention 6 kids live here now??? Did I mention they were all on spring break this week?? Did I mention how crazy things are???

Don't get me wrong, I truly love have my sister and the kids here. I think they are better off here. I think my sister can make it through all this with my family's help. I think she is a strong women who had some bad breaks. I think she needs someone to quide her and to push her.

Truth be told, I am scared to do that. Last time I tried we didn't speak for such a long time and just put a HUGE rift in our relationship.

I just want her and the kids to be happy and healthy (mentally and physically). And I am trying to set a good example for her.

My life up until about 2 years ago was difficult. I had alot of issues from the past that I needed to deal with. I need guidance and direction. I needed someone to hold me accountable. I needed someone to be there for me, to listen, to cry to, to scream at, to vent.

**sidebar** I remember the one Sunday, my morning was everything so wrong. The kids were crazy and bad, I was a hot mess with anger and stress. I actually took my boys to church covered in marker with no shoes. I dropped them off in their classes without signing them in. I was walking to the lobby and I saw Debbie, she asked me how I was doing and I COMPLETELY lost it. I mean I was pretty much hysterical. Crying, sobbing, snot, barely understood what I was saying. But Debbie sat there, listened. She didn't feel sorry for me. She walked me through my melt down. And then she prayed for me. Right there, out loud. I don't think anyone has actualy prayed for me right in front of me before. At first it felt weird. God has so many other people who need prayers more then me, but she prayed for me, just me. I remember after we said Amen, this sense of peace came over me. And I just knew I was going to be ok. I knew it. It's funny how people don't realize the impact you have on their lives. Debbie is like an angel here on earth. I know she was put here to minister to women, all kinds of women.

Through my church I have found all this. And all it took was one woman to take the time to talk to me. Well, two women actually. They took the time and guided me to a path that I have never been on. They gave me advice when I needed it (and sometimes when I didn't ask). They have been there through all the good, the bad and the ugly.

I was completely lost. They helped me find my shining light. They helped me find my footing.

After I was saved, I signed up for a Transformation / mentor program at church. It was a program geared to help "new" christians well, um, transform their lives. I met with my mentor once a week. I was able to talk to Karen about ANYTHING. I asked her some many questions about religon, the bible, Jesus and God. I asked some of the dumbest questions but never once did I ever feel dumb for asking. She just sat there and answered them. I was able to learn about God's word and his plans for me through Karen. After some time I was able to trust and believe her. (I have a hard time trusting) She was there to benefit me, she was there becuase she wanted to, not because she had to. It was then when I truly felt like someone loved me unconditionly.

Whew..that was a mouth full. But back to my point. My point is, I want someone to do that for my sister. I want her to see her full potential. I want someone to believe in her. I want her to know that she is loved regardless of anything she has done or been. I want her to the know the everlasting love of God the way I do. I want it so badly.

In closing (cause it sounds all offical) pray for us, all of us. Pray for my sister. Pray for my nieces and nephew. Pray for their father. Pray for all of us.

Life Changes In the Blink of an Eye....

I am just going to put it out there.

My mom and step dad were arrested Monday for growing marijuana.

The police came after a call to Children Services about my sisters (my sister and her 3 kids lived there) smelling like pot. When the police came to the door they said they could smell the pot coming from the house.

Here is a link to the most accurate article I found.

So now my sister and her 3 kids are living with us. Children Services came yesterday to interview me, Matt and the kids and she wanted a tour of the home. She asked us LOTS of questions, I mean lots of questions.

Yesterday in the morning I went with my mom and Aunt to meet with my mom's attorney. I am not going to say much about it becuase I don't want anything I say to be used aganist her.

So things are pretty much really screwed up right now. I mean really screwed up. My emotions are up and down like 50 times a day. One minute I am sad and hurt for my mom and my step dad and the next I am angry becuase of what they did to our family.

All I know is that this is going to be one crazy ride. Matt and I are trying to keep our kids lives as normal as possible. They don't know what happened to my mom and stepdad. All they know is that grandma and grandpa did something bad and their aunt and nieces and nephew are going to live with us for awhile. As far as children services goes, we told them that the caseowrker was here to make sure thier aunt and kids are living in a safe place.

I know I cannot protect my kids from everything and I know this IS going to effect them some how. We are jusgt trying to make it minimal. I think I am going Monday to talk to their teachers so they can be aware of what's going on and report any behavior changes to us.

Man...there is so much I WANT to write but I'm not. I don't want to write my thoughts on all this until it's over. I don't want anything I say to effect my mom and stepdads court case. In the meantime I do have some really amazing people in my life that I can talk to. And I also have my new job to keep me busy.

Just one more thought before I go......It amazes me that so many people are on either side of this. There are some people who think what my mom and step dad did was ok because they believe marijauna should be legalized. They believe that there was no wrong doing. Then there are the people that believe my parents should be heavily prosecuted. And my opinion, well, I am just going to leave it in my brain for now. Not that I won't talk about it to my close freinds and family but I am not going to put it out there in cyberspce just yet.

I know we are in for a wild ride, I also know that I have ALL my faith in God right now. I know that he has plans for all of us. I know that I can always turn to him, good or bad. I also have so many christian men and women surrounding our family right now.

My Debt is Paid....

My debt is paid.

My debt is paid.

Why cannot I not seem to grasp that???

Why can’t I let myself off the hook?

Why when I lay in bed, I think about something dumb I did as a teenager?

Why can’t I just let it go?

If my God is able to forgive my past, why can’t I?

Well, let’s stop for a second. Maybe this is a process. I didn’t feel like this a few years ago. I felt worse. Much worse. Maybe God is working on me a little at a time. Maybe I am just too stubborn that I can’t forgive myself. Maybe my faith isn’t as great as I thought it was.

I cannot wait for the night where I go to bed and I DON’T think about dumb things I have done or said. It’s almost like it haunts me. I let it haunt me.

As I type this I am being haunted about something I did last night. I drank. I didn’t drink a ton, but I drank. I drank more then I should of. God has been working in me for over a year in this area. I used to drink so much. So much that I was hiding it. My husband didn’t even know (till right now..haha). I would be sitting somewhere, anywhere, and I could taste the liquor in my mouth. My cravings were out of control. I cannot even begin to explain that cravings. It was like something took over my body. It was bad. BUT in the past year I have been praying about it. I have asked God to take away the cravings and guess what!!! They are GONE. No cravings. Yes, I still drink. I will have some wine every now and then. I will have a cocktail at dinner while eating out. BUT I can now stop. I don’t even have to think about it, I just stop and I and my body are ok with that. Well, last night something came over me and I just wanted to drink. I wanted to drink so badly. And I did. I did not get crazy drunk or anything, but I drank more then I should of.

It was just so weird. And please don’t think I’m crazy. But as I was drinking, I KNEW it was wrong and dumb. I knew it. It’s almost as if I had my little good angel on one shoulder and my little bad Satan on the other shoulder. Someone would ask me if I would like another and immediately my brain would go crazy….yes..no…yes…no…yes…no…..yes. The “yes” won last night, at least for a little while.

SO back to the beginning…….my debt is paid. So my debt is paid even though I was not obedient??? On purpose??? I knew it was wrong and yet I still did it.

So then I have to take a time out. I have to remember that I am a work in progress. I have to remember that we were all born sinners. I have to remember that none of us are free from sin. I have to remember we all “fall off the wagon”. And just as Pastor Brenda said this morning “Jesus will not linger on our shortcomings”.

Now, with that being said I know this does not give me the right to go out and disobey his word. I take this as an opportunity to pray about my shortcomings. I take this opportunity to talk to my husband and my trusted friends in Christ.


My journey with Christ is my own. My God has healed me in so many ways and I still have much more to go through. I have my faith. I know God will heal every part of me but in his time. I know I am a child of Christ. I know my debts are paid. I know my Father loves me unconditionally. I KNOW I will overcome through Christ. I know at the end of day and if I lose everything and everyone, I will always have my Father, always. I am always thankful for everything and everyone God has given me. And that includes the good and the bad.

Sidebar: I just noticed how much my attitude changed from writing the first sentence till the last sentence. As I was writing, I found myself forgiving myself for last night. I found myself at peace. I asked God to forgive me for my disobedience. I feel peaceful right now.

Today God put his hand over my mouth.....

Today God spoke to me. Yes…you read that right. He literally spoke to me.

I was sitting at CiCi’s Pizza with the kids before heading to church for bible study. About 6-7 tables away there was this woman with a couple of kids. One of her kids was just screaming and screaming and screaming. My kids kept looking over there and of course I told them not to stare. But they did anyways.

So I’m sitting there and I can feel myself get more and more irritated. All I wanted was a nice meal with my kids. Then I started getting nasty inside my head. Saying things like “why the hell is she not shutting that kid up?”, “I came here to enjoy my kids, not listen to hers”, and so on.

I’m sitting there and my blood starts boiling with irritation and out of no where, I just blurt out “compassion”. I startled myself for a brief moment. It was very unexpected. Then I thought to myself, who I am to judge her? I have no idea why her child is upset, I have no idea what’s going on. I have been that mom myself many times.

I said a little prayer for her and her family and then peace came over me. I finished my meal with the kids and went on my merry way to bible study.

Just amazing to me that the Holy Spirit bursted out of me. It was incredible. He straight up told me to have compassion for her and her situation. There is no other explanation for my outburst. (not so much as an outburst, but a word coming out of my mouth and my kids looking at me like I am crazy)

Just so incredible…..

My Family......

Well first let me say that today has been so weird. If I didn’t know better I would think I was pregnant. I am soooooo emotional today. It’s beyond crazy. I know for 110% there is no chance I am pregnant and if I am it would be a miracle of God. I have been thinking, praying and Face book stalking today. Oh, and of course cleaning and running 800 errands and making meals and blah blah blah, I think you get it.

Today’s post is brought to you by FAMILY. All about family today. I guess it’s coming from seeing my cousin that I haven’t seen in years yesterday..

I went Face book stalking my family today. I miss them. I miss seeing my aunts, uncles and cousins ALL the time. I really truly miss them. As a child one of my favorite things was hanging out with my cousins. My brother, sister and I were pretty much the youngest of 17 cousins so we looked up to them. When I was little I remember how close we all were. Every holiday was spent ALL together hanging out at my grandparent’s house. Weekends were spent at my aunt and uncles house. Vacations consisted of going to Maryland and spending a week with my family there. I just miss them so much.

But…then we all grew up, got married, had lots of kids and we are all doing our own thing now. It makes me so sad. I have so many cousins living within 15 minutes of my house and I BARELY see anyone. And on the rare occasion I do see my cousins; we act like we really don’t know each other.

After my grandpa passed away, my grandma moved in with my Aunt A and Uncle J. So now for Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, etc we visit over there. Sometimes we are there when other aunts, uncles and cousins are there. It’s so weird because some of them will say hi and give me great big hugs while others barley acknowledge me, my husband or my kids. WHY??? We all grew up together, we all know each other.

In the past few years I have been really close to Aunt A and Uncle J (and yes, I still address my aunts and uncles properly, doesn’t matter how old I am, I am still going to do it). I visit my grandma at least once I week so of course it’s natural to be closer to that Aunt and Uncle. After my grandpa passed away and before grandma moved in with aunt and uncle, I was over there ALL THE TIME. I would go over there and just chill. Believe it or not, she helped me through my divorce, through all my pregnancies and so much more. I knew she missed grandpa and so did I. He was like my dad.

I spent so much time over there as a kid till about age 12-13. I was over there every weekend, sometimes school nights….all the time. I am not sure the reasoning behind it all. I have my own theories as to why I spent some much time with my grandparents and not at my own home, but we won’t go there. And because I was there all the time I got to go out to eat with them, on vacation with them, to the store (which meant that I got stuff and no one else did). I got to learn how to play Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy. My grandma taught me the basics of cooking. They taught me manners, right and wrong, eat your veggies. I could go on and on of all the things I learned from my grandparents. They were my life. They still are. My heart still aches when I think of my grandfather. My heart breaks when I think about my grandma not being around.

I get scared about my grandma not being around. I get scared about not being close with my family. She was the glue, they both were. I love my family so much and I don’t think they will ever know. Each of my aunts and uncles taught me something different. I really do have the best family even though we may not be as close as we used to be.

And because it’s my blog, I think I am going to say a few things to my aunts and uncles:

Aunt I – going to your house always felt like a trip back in time. Life was simple. I learned about outdoor life. I learned to eat from the land. I learner to take a bath in 4 inches of water that smelled so bad like sulfur. You took me church every time I stayed there.

Aunt S and Uncle W – you let me be a kid. At your house it was fun. My cousins were fun. I looked up to them all the time. My summers spent in Maryland were some of the best memories. I remember special birthday meals, my first time to the ocean, roller skating in the rain, hair and makeup with my cousins.

Aunt A and Uncle J – I know my brother was over more but the time I spent as a kid was life changing. You taught me that people with disabilities were no different then anyone else. You taught me to respect everyone. Uncle J is the man who walked me down the aisle when I married Matt. He is the closest thing I have to a father figure in my life. I asked him to walk me down the aisle because I wanted to be walked down by someone I truly respected.

Uncle J and Aunt T – 8th grade…..in 8th grade we were evicted from our home and we had to move in with you. I know I was a pain in the ass but I truly did not want to leave. Your house was run like a real home. I loved having a real father figure in my life. I loved having someone teach me right from wrong and getting on my case ALL the time. 8th grade was such a rough year for me. I was leaving childhood and going into the damn teenage years. I was a pain but you never backed down and never ran away.

Uncle A and Aunt R – You two talk to me like family. You always ask how things are going. You seem to get excited when I see you at family get togethers. I still remember your wedding. I have pictures.

I could write something about each and every one of my cousins and some of their spouses but that would make for an awful long post. I think I am going to start writing them and letting them know how much they all meant to me and what an impact each of them has had on my life. I don’t think they realize how much of an influence they were and some still are.

Before I end this EXTREMELY long post, I want to share one of my absolute favorite memories of my cousins. I even know the exact date, May 19, 2001. It was the day after my grandpa passed away. Almost all my cousins and their spouses or significant others came in from all over. We all got together at my cousins G’s house (it was closest to my grandparent’s home). We laughed, we reminisced, we drank, and ALL of us were talking and getting along. It was by far probably one of the best nights of my life. And for awhile after I was closer to some cousins and it was heavenly. It is one of those nights I will never forget. Something as horrible as my grandpa dying brought us all together. I wish I had taken pictures that night. I hope my family thinks about that night too. It will go down in history.

I know it sounds like I am whining and I can’t argue with that, I am. I miss my family, all of them. I love my family, all of them. I just wish my kids could experience my family like I did. I have the best family whether I see them or not. They will always be a priority in my book. I will always be there if someone needs me, always