Here's the truth.....

I have been dealing with something for awhile now. It keeps getting worse. I am embarrassed to talk about it because it is literally controlling my life. But for you folks that know me in real life know that I am not one to hide things and keep secrets. Time to just spill. Maybe writing it will help. Maybe I'll find someone in a similar situation. Maybe I will actually get some help instead of trying to deal with it on my own.

Anxiety.

I have been having anxiety problems. Major anxiety. Like can't leave my house sometimes.

We have out and about and eating out and visiting people. I can't do it. I can barely go out to eat. Church. Forget about it. The Mall. Almost passed out because of the anxiety.

Back in May I went through a little bout of this anxiety. It was about 5-6 days and ended up in the ER thinking I was having a heart attack. They gave me some medication and I was good. This is happened the week we were leaving for vacation. I chalked it up to stressing over vacation.

I was fine during the summer. I was fine during most of the fall. Little by little I would have bad days. And now it's full blown all the time, every day. Even as I am writing this I am freaking out.

My heart has palpitations. I feel nauseous. I get disoriented. My head feels these little surges, like right before you pass out. My blood pressure spikes so high. My heart rate goes through the roof. I even followed up with my doctor after vacation. He had me do a bunch of testing including wearing a heart monitor. All the results point to anxiety.

I have had anxiety all my life in some way. I never thought that I would not be able to go out to eat with my husband or go to church. Never in a million years.

It's hard explaining to people why you haven't been at church in like 2 months. For awhile I had legit reasons but now I just make something up. I can't keep telling people I over slept. I can't keep telling people that myself or one of my family is sick. And how the heck do you tell someone that you can't go to church because your afraid your going to pass out from the anxiety you have?

It's hard explaining to your kids why I can't take them out to eat. We typically go out 1-2 times a week. I have tried. I really have. I have tried different restaurants, different settings, with kids and without kids. You should see me. I look like I am on drugs. I can't sit still. I fidget alot, like alot alot. I rush through the meal and sometimes I have to go out side even before we pay.

It has even happened at family parties and a few times when we have had people over for dinner and such.

I have talked to Matt about this over and over. He seems to think it may have something to do with the noise. I partly believe that only because last night we went out to a fancy restaurant with another couple. I was fine. Matt thinks it's because the restaurant was quiet.

This sucks. Yup, SUCKS.

I haven't been to the doctor yet only because I know what's going to happen. He is going to ask me a ton of questions. I am going to cry. He is going to give me medication and tell me to see a therapist and send me on my way. I already know this. 5 years ago I would of gladly taken all this medication but now, not so much. Many reasons for that - they are expensive, they make me gain weight, some really alter your mind. This list can go on and on. Me taking some anxiety medication is not going to solve my issue.

I need to find out what is making me crazy. I need to be able to do normal things like go out to eat and go to church and have fun with friends.

This is killing me. It is making me crazy. I am so embarrassed by this as well. That's why it has taken me so long to talk about it. I haven't even told people except for Matt. It makes me feel weak. Like I can't control my own body.

SO there you have it. I have anxiety and can barely leave the house. End of story.