Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Time to get real...

Something has been weighing on my mind and my heart lately and I'm finally going to talk about it.

Waaaaaayyyy back in the day, like early spring of 2000, my soon to be husband and I were going to premarital counseling. We were talking about a whole slew of things and of course parenting came up. Actually discipline came up. I said to Pastor Brenda how nervous I was of how Tim would be with our kids if we ever have any. Pastor Brenda looked at me and told us that is was me she was worried about, not Tim. She said something to the effect that due to my upbringing she was afraid I would not punish my children in the best manner. I shrugged it off and went on my happy way and got married. Couple years later I had my Emma Elizabeth. Things were still good.

Then I got divorced, remarried and had two more children. This is when it all started. See, Emma was a REALLY good kid. I never had to do more then just get stern and tell her no. She was so easy to discipline, so easy. Then these two little boys came along and I finally figured out what Pastor Brenda meant and honestly is scares the living day lights out of me.

Ever since Emma was born I told myself I was not going to spank my kids. Like I said, Emma was easy, there was no threat of spankings or nothing. Then the boys came along. Oh those boys. They have pushed my limits most days, but I will still NOT spank my kids.

I bet your wondering why. Everyone who knows this about Matt and I wonder why and of course question us and of course have their own opinion.

I don't spank my kids because I am terrified I will not know when to stop. I am afraid to touch my children out of anger.

This is how I grew up. My siblings and I were beat again and again all the time. Sometimes we were hit with hands, sometimes belts, sometimes whatever the parents had handy. It was awful. So that's all I know.

One time I did let myself punish one of my boys and it went down so bad. I punished him out of anger and after wards I felt like the worst person on earth. I felt like I was my mother. I felt guilty. I felt wrong.

After all these years I finally get what Pastor Brenda was saying. I understand it. And now I have to do something about it.

I know that I have to get help to cope and deal with the issues I have as an adult trying to parent my own children.

I know I would never hurt my kids, never, BUT there is that chance I may flip just like my mom. I flip out verbally so it could happen. It could. And I am going to do everything in my power to make sure it doesn't. I have my husband here to help me with dealing with all of this.

I don't know why I am just now writing about this. This is something I have struggled with for a couple of years now and I am sick and tired of people telling me why I SHOULD spank my kids. And I don't think everyone needs to know why I don't. Yeah, that conversation would go great. I can see it now.

Everyone else: "So why don't you spank your kids?"

Me: "um, you know, I was spanked and beat as a kid so now I don;t want to spank cause I am afraid I'll beat the crap out of my kids too."

Everyone else: "oh"

See, do you see how that conversation would go. I would be labeled a child abuser without ever laying a hand on my kids. It would never be out of someones mind about what I might do.

But today, June 26, 2012, I just don't care. It's a real issue that I deal with on an everyday basis and I am done making up excuses why I don't spank my kids. I'm done. So here it is...are ya ready....listen up...


And that's that. There is the truth. And my husband and I are dealing with it. And by the grace of God, I will come out on top.


Adventures In Babywearing said...

Oh, I hear your heart loud and clear. Yes.


Kate G said...

This was very brave of you to write and it is something people need to hear. It is a sign of a great parent and person to try to know their limits and do the best thing with those limits. Not only for yourself but also for your children. I also don't want to spank, but even more, I don't want to scream at my kids. You know I was raised with a lot of yelling and screaming. I struggle with this everyday and hope I can maintain control to resist my first urge, which is to yell.