Monday, December 5, 2011

I am seriously slacking...

Sorry guys...lots of stuff going on lately.

My life seems to of flipped upside down again and I can't get my head on straight.

Let's go through a summary of things floating around in my life currently:

  • my ex husband is killing me right now (I can't go into it cause I would never bash him online)

  • my current husband is killing me right now (haha, it's ok to laugh) We are just at a place in our marriage where we are just living day to day to get by. It's hard for us to connect and to speak our minds, thoughts and feelings. I am feeling very stuck and lonely right now. And NO, I am not bashing him in anyway. He knows we are going through something. He knows we are trying to work out these kinks. All marriages have's just taking time to work them out. I love him deeply and that will never change. I have no fear of divorcing or anything like that. We just hit an icky place. We are so busy with jobs, the kids, the house, holidays, birthday, etc that it is so hard to find "us" time. And if we do get time, we have to pay to go somewhere and pay for a sitter. And I know there are a ton of free or low cost things we can do but honestly it doesn't work for us. We like to sit down to a nice meal, chit chat and then we usually end of going to Target (yes, you can laugh again) where we walk around, window shop and talk some more. It works for us. Enough about us...lets move on

  • Missing my grandpa and my dad like crazy. Holidays always get to me. Especially Father's Day and Christmas. I have no one to celebrate. (and yes I do celebrate my husband, but this is different) I feel like I have no one to honor for raising me. My grandpa did most of the raising. He was the main father figure in my life. I literally think about him EVERY DAY. I wish I could share things with him, ask him advice, tell him how much my kids take after him. I just miss him so makes my heart hurt. I also miss my dad. He passed away May 15, 2010. It was very sudden. I didn't know him well or even spend much time with him. He spent most of his life addicted to some kind of drug and/or alcohol. I learned it was just in the last year of his life he became clean, got an apartment and started looking for us (me, my brother and sister) I learned that when he died it was quick and he came back drug and alcohol free. I just feel robbed. There was so much time I could of spent getting to know him again. All I have left are memories from when I was a kid and a mental picture of him laying in a casket. Both of those are two very different people. I would of liked to of known the in-between person and the person he was becoming.

  • My wonderful children....who are becoming older right before my eyes. Emma learned all about Santa and the Tooth Fairy and she's getting boobies!! Landon started Kindergarten, Chase is in his last year of preschool.....they are becoming these people, they each have their own personality. I am not doing so well at this mothering thing. I am trying to do right. But in the back of my mind I just feel like a failure. These kids don't come with instruction books ya know.

  • And finally there has been this ever growing journey with Christ. He finally has a secure place in my heart and world. My life is changing so rapidly and yet so slowly. I have lost old friends and have gained new. I have been praying so hard all the time. I am teaching the kids about God and the bible. We are going to church every Sunday. When something bad happens in my life I no longer blame God but I ask him to be with me to get through it. I no longer blame him for things in my life, I thank him. I am thankful for the grace of God. I know that he does not make bad things happen but the bad decisions I make do have consequences. I know in the end it will be God who I report to. I am not perfect and I am still on this crazy journey.

And that about sums everything up. I promise I am going to be better at this blogging thing. I feel better when I write. I just need to do it more often. Thanks all for listening....till next time

(oh, btw, I did spell check on this and I only misspelled ONE word!!! New record for me!!!)