Monday, September 28, 2009

Just trying to listen...

I am listening to the rain come down right now. It is the most peaceful sound at times.

I feel like my last couple posts have been such Debbie Downers. I am trying to get a new way of thinking.

Today at church I helped out in the nursery and got to hold a new born baby.It's been almost 3 years since I have done that. He just laid there staring at me. He was so innocent and peaceful. Then he fell asleep on my chest and I didn't want to give him up when his mom came for him.

I miss that. I miss the innocence. I look at my own childhood and I look at my children and I realized I am stripping them from their innocence.

I don't want to be mean, I don't want to yell. I want to be the loving, caring mom that I have always dreamed of.

I mean, it's stressful. Emma is getting so big and she is learning life everywhere she turns. I want to protect her from the hurt and sadness that is coming. I recently learned that her father and step mom got divorced. They didn't tell anyone and they are still living together. I may or may not have gotten on to our county's public records to find out this info. (What else am I gonna do at 430 am??) I know her pain is coming. My heart breaks for her. She has already had to go through the divorce of her father and I and that was really bad. I just know it's coming.

The boys, Landon and Chase are driving me crazy. I know that it's because they are so close (11 months apart) and they are almost 4 and 3. It's just that they fight all the time. ALL THE TIME. I wish I could explain to them that by them fighting they are just hurting them selves.

I want my kids to to be happy. And for the most part, I think they are.

The main thing is - I LOVE MY KIDS and would give anything for them. I do recognize my problems and I am slowly working on them.

I just don't want them to grow up and write blogs abut how messed up there mom was, just like I do. I want them to grow up thinking they had the best childhood a kid could ask for. I want them to grow up and give everything they have to their own kids.

I am working on, it just takes time. But I don't have too much time.....


Mad Woman said...

I want the same thing for my children, and yet I find it so hard to shield them from the hurts that they encounter in this life. But even if they DO end up writing blogs about how messed up things were, at least they'll know their mom loved them!

Thanks for stopping by my space too! Hope you'll come back again..even if I was a bit of a downer!

Jacob Young said...

I'm not a parent so I for sure can't speak from experience, but I have to say it sounds like you're doing a great job as a Mom.

You can't shield your kids from hurt, but you can show them how to handle it in the right way. Sounds like that's what you're doing :-)