Friday, September 11, 2009

I just want to go home.....

Update: I wrote this about a month ago and was trying to decide to post it, well I am, so here it is. All the craziness you can handle....

Seriously, I can't. I feel like so much is slipping away. I feel like I am losing my mind. What is going on? I feel so out of it. Like I am dreaming, like I am watching a Lifetime movie.

My kids drive me nuts and dare I say it, but are bad most of the time. I get so flustered. All Landon seems to do is throw HUGE screaming tantrums, hit his siblings and try to steal food. I woke up Tuesday and came to hang with the kids and Chase had a bite mark the size of a quarter on his arm. I WAS PISSED!! What the heck was Landon thinking??? I totally screwed this kid up and I can't figure out how to fix him!! Matt and I even went to a therpist because his behavior is sooooo bad. We got some good tips but nothing to fix him. And I know what I am about to say will prolly not win me mother of the year, but sometimes I don't like him. Don't get me wrong, I love all my children and would do absolutley anything for them, but there are days where I could pack him stuff up and put him on the corner with a for sale sigh attached to his shirt. I know that prolly makes me a horrible parent but I am tired. I am tired of all the fighting, all the screaming. I'm just so tired. I feel like I am out of options. Landon has his first day of preschool Tuesday which was the day of the biting and today was his second day. And he totally treated me like crap in front of 143 cheerleaders and the parents.

I know your prolly thinking how a 3 year can treat you like crap. Well, I was standing there listening to the director give annoucements and I told the boys they could go play in the grassy area. And before long I hear Chase screaming, look over and Landon's beating the crap out of him. I run over there, yell quietly and put them both in time out and Landon starts screaming, and I mean SCREAMING "YOU DON'T TELL ME THAT" "YOU DON'T HIT ME" (which I didn't, cause I NEVER hit in public for fear that someone will freak out and call children services) and he screamed a bunch more things and of course everyones looking at me. It was AWFUL.

My marriage is hard (yes folks, I know marriage is hard, but the second time around and we are having issues one begins to think that is it herself who has the problems) And yes, I truly think I am the cause of all this. I keep thinking, if I could just get my crap together everything would be fine.

I am a mess. I spend money we don't have ( I have impulse control folks) I am dieting and I keep cheating, not bad cheating, but I am. I am letting down a god friend who put this whole weight loss plan together. It took her alot of time and I am letting her down. I just don't have the motivation. I know I am fat and I know I want to lose weight, I need to lose weight, but I don't want to do any of the work.

In a nut shell, I am just not happy. I am so sad with my life right now and I keep getting further down. I cry all the time. And not little cries but full blown melt downs. I have done it in front of the kids a few times but I try to keep it to my self. I will take a shower and sit on the tub floor and just bawl.

What the heck is wrong with me? One good way to explain how I am feeling is " I want to go home" I know it prolly makes no sense but that's how I feel, I just want to go home. I have no idea what that means but that's what I am yearning for. I want to go home.

I know I need help but help cost money and well I have a problem with money. I wuold rather spend money on "things". I want to see what I buy. Even if it's food or diapers, I can see what I spent money on. That's why bills and doctors suck. I can't see. It's just money wasted.

I am taking anti depressants but really don't think it's working. I have been on it for a month, so I do need to give it a little longer, but come on, I have taken sooooo many drugs, I am not sure a Celexa is going to fix this. I was on Lithium, Depekote and Serequel and I still wasn't better. And those are hard core drugs.

I have a feeling that I am going to die from this mental illness. Please don't take that wrong, but that's the truth. I may make it to 85 years old but I think in the end it's going to be this crazy head of mine that kills me. It feels good to put these crazy feeling out there. It feels good to let loose. To tell the truth. I haven't told the truth in so long, I'm not even sure what it is sometimes. I just keep telling my self that I'm ok even though we all know I'm not. I truly believe I have serious depression issues. I hate calling them mental health issues even though that's what I write.

I don't understand why I can help so many other people but I can't help my self. At work that's all I do. I am CRISIS INTERVENTION SPECIALIST!!! That's all I do is help people who are in crisis. And at church I work with children who parents are going through divorce. How come I can help them but I can't help myself??

I'm not sure I'll ever really post this but it was nice to write it all down.....


Brenda Mason Young said...

I love you. I think you are an incredible woman. I wish you were my daughter. I am praying one day you will really feel the worth and value that I know you have.