Random Wednesday Thoughts.....

• Honey Smacks are the best cereal ever.

• Taco Tuesday has turned into left over Wednesday which means we all know what is coming on Thursday.

• Having big, wide feet really stinks. I cannot find a pair of certain shoes to save my life.

• Biotin is helping my hair grow nice and long and strong. Also noted my leg hair is approx. the same length as my head. No one bothered to mention ALL my hair would grow nice and long and thick. Thanks dudes. And, yes, I will shave before vacation in 25 days.

• How is possible someone can lose 50 lbs and still be the same boob size. I am sort of bummed. These babies need to shrink.
• I really hate I come up with all these great ideas when I am falling asleep. In the morning I wake up knowing I had some terrific ideas but can't remember a darn one.

• Speaking of Taco Tuesday, for the life of me I cannot stop eating the taco meat. I would rather have all beans, but the OCD rule follower in me states that a taco salad must contain taco meat. )I understand that statement made me seem like I am off my rocker)

• I love when my cell is fully charged. I am ok even when it gets down to 80%, now 70% I start to panic just a tad. 60% - I MUST FIND CHARGER!!

(hmmm, maybe I should stop writing now, I think it's making me look a little nuts. Ummm, yeah, I really don't care. I know I am a little more "special" than others and I am totally cool with that)

• Depression sucks. Take it day by day, sometimes minute by minute. Today I kicking depressions ass. For real.

• I am awesome.

• Emma just sent me a text asking me not to forget to pick her and her friend up from school today. I replied "Maybe I will. Maybe I won't" I am sure racking up points for Mother of the Year.

• Last week while shopping with the kids (Matt was not there) a pretty good song came on and I felt the need to "break it down", well Chase decided that was super embarrassing and literally ran away. I had to stop the awesome dancing and ask Emma to go find my lost kid. How many points do I get for this? #motheroftheyear
• We have hit the point in the school year where I no longer go through backpacks daily. Ooops. Whatever. Don't judge me. So now the boys are turning stuff in late and blah blah blah. I am just done. When do I get my break???

• I am sort of mad at my kids doctor. Chase does not eat pretty much at all. Dude went to bed without eating again last night. So I asked the doctor about it. First, he yelled at me for giving him nutritional shakes. He said they are full of junk. Next he told me to stop forcing him to eat. Even fruits and veggies. He said put it on his plate, if he eats then good, if not, oh well. Well, Mr. Doctor Dude, I cannot do that. I feel so quilty. So, yeah, Chase may be eating PB&J every day but at least he is eating, right??

Well, since I am currently at work maybe I should stop typing a blog post and maybe, just maybe try and get some work done today.

 

HAHAHA, after she came over and brought me a ton of her old clothes

 

We painted the boys room orange, I made some camp curtains (I realized I hate sewing)

 

I cannot wait to say this to Emma one day.

 

Any given day this is us. I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Love you all!!

yeah, yeah, it's been awhile.....forgive me

It's been quite a while since I have last posted. I have been so busy and so lazy all at the same time. Is that even possible? Yes, yes it is. Trust me.

Let's review a little bit.

Spring Break we took the kids to BA Sweeties. Apparently the largest candy store is the good ole USA. It was pretty awesome. We only spent like $60. Oops. After that we hit up a new waterpark in Sandusky, OH. Maui Sands. My official review is that if you can get a Groupon then go, if you have to pay full price go to Great Wolf Lodge or Kalahari.

 Easter was pretty awesome. We got to spend time with my grandma. That woman is a fighter. We were told on December 3rd that she only had 10-14 days to live. And here we are, April 29th and she is still with us. Her health is decreasing but she is still here and I am ok with that. It was such a blessing to be able to spend another Christmas, another New Years, another day with her.

And of course I can't forget about Landon. Oh Landon. That child is going to be the death of me. I swear. Matt and I are both having trouble dealing with it all. It's so hard for me to understand how his brain works. Sometimes I get so frustrated because I simply do not understand how something so simple for me is the end of the world for him. I am trying to be patient and understanding. Trying. Some days not succeeding. Some days are good. Some days I literally cry my eyes out because I think he is never going to be a well functioning adult. Some days this all seems impossible. We are pushing through though. I constantly pray for wisdom and guidance. ALWAYS.

I just wish I could understand how his brain works. I wish I could explain it to other people.

Yes. My kid was diagnosed late in his life (oh yeah, 8 years old is super late). It's a lot of trial and error. It's a lot of therapy. It's a lot of tears.

These past few months have just been incredibly hard for me. I have so much going on internally that I just cannot deal with it all. That is when I typically shut down.

I started a new bible study in March and it is totally kicking my butt. It is so emotionally rough. It has shaken me to the core. So many emotions are going through my body at any given time.

I have started to withdraw from people and things. Yes, I know that's not good. I am actively working on that. It will NOT control me. I am not going to let it. I do not want to fall down the rabbit hole.

Here's the thing. I have been there. I have fallen down the rabbit hole way too many times. I know where I end up. I know how lonely, sad, mad, angry, desperate, inadequate and all the other emotions. I know these all too well. It will NOT happen this time. I force myself to get up. I force my myself to eat dinner with the family. I force myself to talk to my friends. I force myself to leave the house.

So yeah, right now I am having a "whoa is me" moment. It will pass with prayer and time. I will not let this control me. Some days it does get the best of me, it wins the battle. But I will win the war.

So yeah, blah, blah, blah. I am depressed. Life goes on. I will survive.

I do want to end this post on a good note. Matt's brother took some spring pictures of the kids. They are the best pictures of my kids. Just the best. He did such a wonderful job. I seriously could not be happier with these pictures.

Landon, Oh My Landon.....

It's been a while since I have given you all an update on my precious baby boy. Let me begin by saying nasty or rude comments will not be tolerated.

Landon has received a new diagnosis. Landon has been diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome (AS), on the autism spectrum.

We have known for a little bit now but we were hesitant to share. Matt and I needed to talk to the doctors more, research more, figure out some stuff here at home. We needed to tell Emma. Landon and Chase do not know. It has been recommended not to tell Landon until he is a little older and can fully comprehend what we are telling him. Since Chase is younger we just decided not to tell him yet either.

Landon has had many of the symptoms of AS for quite awhile. We just never put two and two together. Landon has quite a few major traits and many many many small traits. Landon was misdiagnosed and that is very common with children his age. Typically children over the age of 5 are diagnosed as ADHD along with other behavioral issues.

Link to some facts about Asperger's Syndrome

Landon has been having major issues since starting school. It got really bad in 1st grade. We have been in the process of trying to get him help since March of 2013. He has been on a few different medications and he was/is in therapy at least once a week, sometimes more.

We have seen minimal changes. It was very frustrating. It was really wearing on my family.

With the doctors help we found an awesome checklist (found here). Matt and I were able to check off almost 85% of this. We also added a few more thing (found on other checklists).

We are seeing new things almost daily the confirm the diagnosis. So much it would take me a week to write all the things.

We are making some progress with him. We have also hit many road blocks. We have some really terrific people in our lives that are helping us figure it all out.

So I am asking you, my friends and family. When Landon is rude or asking 1000 questions or being a stickler to rules, please try and be patient. Landon only sees things in black and white. There is no middle ground. If something is in writing he will stick to it 100%. Please do not promise him things if you cannot do what is said. If he has meltdown it is most likely one of two reasons, 1. he is over stimulated 2. someone he is around did not follow the rules. And if someone does not follow the rules he lets them know. Landon can be very rude at times. He does not know he is doing this. There is no filter for his mouth. He will say what is on his mind with no regard to his surroundings. Also if you are perhaps wrong about something he will not hesitate to correct you. Landon has an incredible memory for what is said and written. (It's actually kind of creepy). Ugh, I could go on and on about his different issues.

Just please be patient with my baby boy. He is a work in progress. He does not see the world as you and I see it. I know first hand how hard it can be to deal with him. Somedays I literally just sit in my room and cry. Sometimes I yell. Sometimes I am patient. This is just so hard. No magic pill to make him better. Nothing.

I am not asking for sympathy. I am asking for empathy. And patience.

Love you all!

Baptism Sunday

My heart is still so overflowing. My husband, Matthew, and my daughter, Emma, were both baptized a few Sunday's ago. My heart was not prepared for the full extent of it.

When I was baptized a few years ago I remember getting a few tears in my eyes. I remember the feeling of being wrapped in a blanket of love.

But watching your husband and your oldest child baptized takes on a whole new level. Especially when Emma said it was me who brought her to God.

Matt went first. As soon as the pastor starting speaking the tears started flowing and didn't end till way after Emma was done. So I apologize for the hot mess that the pictures are (and I even brought my good camera).

Just in writing this post my heart is so full. My eyes are welling up. I know how much this is going to change my daughters life. 

Official Monday Update!

I am such a horrible blogger. I have visions of writing posts each and every day. I have so many great ideas. I also have no time. I am sure all you other mommas who have kids and work and run errands and take kids to appointments 2x a week and all the 800 other things know how I feel.

So now I am going to shoot for once a week. Even that is going to be hard. There is so much I want to blog about. So much I want to open up about. So much I want to yell about. But I can't. I can't say what's really on my mind. One day I will get the courage to say whatever I want.

The past few weeks have been a trying time with Landon. I am not ready to go into all the nitty gritty details but it was determined that he does not have ADHD and ODD. He has something else all together. Just not quite ready to deal with it all. Still trying to take it all in. Praying about it all. Researching and reading lots of books. Trying to get informed. As well as keep up with all his appointments. Basically just adjusting.

Emma. Well, Emma is just fine. She is a typical 6th grader. Gaining interest in boys, losing interest in studies. So really that is the only complaint with her. She is such a great kid. She is becoming a beautiful, young woman. She always helps me out with her brothers. She ALWAYS has her nose in a book. Always. When she does get in trouble (which is like never), we have to take away her books as her punishment. She is just a great kid. Cannot believe she will be 12 in less than 2 months!! Time to start planning a party!!

And we could not forget about Chase. Oh Chase. Why is that 3rd kid always a handful? Chase is for sure my instigator. That kid starts more fights than all 3 kids combined. It did take us awhile to catch on but we did. With that being said, Chase is also the only kid that still snuggles. He still climbs in our bed about once a week to sleep with us. He is the only one that typically demands hugs when we leave him. Even to just go to work. So yeah, it's kinda nice still having a "baby".

So yeah, the past couple weeks have been rough. But we survived. And we will keep on surviving. We will survive by the grace of God. And for that, I am incredibly thankful.

I am still dealing with my anxiety. Some days are good, some days are bad. I am very thankful I decided to be honest with myself and others about my anxiety. Most people were very understanding. Some, however, were not. Some of the people closest to me have not been supportive. And guess what, it's time to distance myself from that. Same people who where VERY unsupportive during all this with Landon. Guess what, time to distance us from that. I still love them and they will always be family but sorry. If you cannot be supportive then it's time for me to move on. Harsh? Yes. But necessary for the success of my family. I cannot let the negativity get me down. Y'all know who you are. I now have to shut the door on this because I will end up writing and writing and writing. I have way too much to say about FAMILY and friends who are so caught up with themselves or the past that they can't see the beauty in front of them. But in the end, it's their loss. Me, my husband and my kids have so many other great people in our lives. So many great people.

We are surrounded by some pretty great family and friends. We have such a huge support system through our church family. If I need to talk I know I can pick up my phone and reach no less than 3 people. Anytime. If I need a laugh I know my friends have that taken care of too. There is definitely no shortage of laughter between us.

So basically no matter what we go through, no matter how bad or how great things are I know that I couldn't be anywhere with out my faith. My faith is the only thing that has gotten me through the past few months. I have turned to him in the bad times and I have praised him in the good. He has watched over me during our travels. He has kept our family safe during this winter. He has provided us with more than we wanted or needed during the holidays. He has put my heart at peace (somewhat...LOL) in knowing that my grandma is going to pass any day. He gave me the strength to tell my kids. Basically over this past year I have figured out (the hard way, of course) that if you really give your self to the Lord, he WILL take care of you.

There will still be bad times. Very bad times. There will be good times. And with God it just makes things a little smoother. I am not saying that there were no tears or no yelling or no heartbreak. What I am telling you is that God got us through it all. And he will continue to carry us.

Wherever we go. Whatever life throws at us. We got this.

Some Randomness for your Wednesday

Since my last blog was a little heavy, I decided to lighten it up with some random things that you may not know about me. 

Get ready because I am pretty nuts!

1. My food cannot touch other food on my plate. Especially is there is sweet vs. savory. I will not eat it. I am usually the one who gets 2-3 plates at a buffet or pot luck. 

2. I have a bedtime routine that cannot be broken. If it's broken then I cannot sleep. My routine consists of facing one way for x amount of time while playing Solitaire. Then I have to face the other way, then I switch. Actually there is whole bunch more but I think you get the crazy picture.

3. Crumbs are the devil. Seriously. I HATE crumbs. I am constantly cleaning off the table and counters and floor. I would rather leave a sink full of dishes up to the ceiling for days and days rather then a few crumbs be in my kitchen. 

4. I have lists. Oh boy do I have lists. I have a daily to do list, a weekly to do list, a monthly to do list. I have a list of the lists I have. Also I have a grocery list. I have a daily work list. I am a little nutso over my lists. However, I have found that 4x6 index cards are my favorite. Oh, and I have other lists, like for vacation and such. Let me tell you how weird I am. I am going on vacation the last week in May and my packing list is half way done already. Yup. For real. 

5. As soon as I come home from work (or where ever I have to wear real clothes a.k.a jeans) I open the front door, shut the front door, remove pants. I feel like the dad in The Goldberg's. I am beyond addicted to my sweat (yoga) pants. I even have different levels of sweat pants such as :appropriate to wear to Walmart, Target, Dinner (depends where we go). I have light sweats, heavy sweats, all sorts of neutral colors. Basically I have a ton and where I go depends on which ones I wear.

SIDE NOTE: I think y'all are seeing some OCD in here. Well, your right. I have a lot some OCD. I know this. My husband knows this and it's all good.

6. I cannot fathom wearing a black shirt and brown shoes or vice verse. I know it can be done. I see people every day. But my brain thinks if I am wearing a brown type shirt I need brown shoes and same with the black. I have tried. I feel weird. 

7. None of my inbox's in any of my emails can have anything in it. Work, personal, Facebook, whatever, it's all empty. I either take care of it right away, delete it or throw it into a folder. Also I cannot have any Facebook notifications. As soon as I get something I look and either respond now or later. If I need to do anything with emails or Facebook it goes on a list mentioned in "Crazy thing Kelly does #4".

8. I get everywhere obnoxiously early. Well, except work in which I am late almost every single day. I am working at being early. It used to be like 30 minutes early. I am at a point now where I am like 10 minutes early. Occasionally I will be late to things because my brain is trying to process when I should leave so I don't show up way too early then I leave and hit traffic or something and I yell at myself all the way there for not listening to myself. 

9. Even though I know where I am going I still throw almost everything into the GPS. I don't do it when Matt's around because I know he would laugh at me. I just like know that I am going the best way possible. And I love knowing how long it will take me to get there. And then I try to beat that time. 

10. I don't like vegetables. Only peas.

And there you have it. Enough info just so that people think I am slightly bizarre. For those of you that know me in real life already know how bizarre I really am.

Here's the truth.....

I have been dealing with something for awhile now. It keeps getting worse. I am embarrassed to talk about it because it is literally controlling my life. But for you folks that know me in real life know that I am not one to hide things and keep secrets. Time to just spill. Maybe writing it will help. Maybe I'll find someone in a similar situation. Maybe I will actually get some help instead of trying to deal with it on my own.

Anxiety.

I have been having anxiety problems. Major anxiety. Like can't leave my house sometimes.

We have out and about and eating out and visiting people. I can't do it. I can barely go out to eat. Church. Forget about it. The Mall. Almost passed out because of the anxiety.

Back in May I went through a little bout of this anxiety. It was about 5-6 days and ended up in the ER thinking I was having a heart attack. They gave me some medication and I was good. This is happened the week we were leaving for vacation. I chalked it up to stressing over vacation.

I was fine during the summer. I was fine during most of the fall. Little by little I would have bad days. And now it's full blown all the time, every day. Even as I am writing this I am freaking out.

My heart has palpitations. I feel nauseous. I get disoriented. My head feels these little surges, like right before you pass out. My blood pressure spikes so high. My heart rate goes through the roof. I even followed up with my doctor after vacation. He had me do a bunch of testing including wearing a heart monitor. All the results point to anxiety.

I have had anxiety all my life in some way. I never thought that I would not be able to go out to eat with my husband or go to church. Never in a million years.

It's hard explaining to people why you haven't been at church in like 2 months. For awhile I had legit reasons but now I just make something up. I can't keep telling people I over slept. I can't keep telling people that myself or one of my family is sick. And how the heck do you tell someone that you can't go to church because your afraid your going to pass out from the anxiety you have?

It's hard explaining to your kids why I can't take them out to eat. We typically go out 1-2 times a week. I have tried. I really have. I have tried different restaurants, different settings, with kids and without kids. You should see me. I look like I am on drugs. I can't sit still. I fidget alot, like alot alot. I rush through the meal and sometimes I have to go out side even before we pay.

It has even happened at family parties and a few times when we have had people over for dinner and such.

I have talked to Matt about this over and over. He seems to think it may have something to do with the noise. I partly believe that only because last night we went out to a fancy restaurant with another couple. I was fine. Matt thinks it's because the restaurant was quiet.

This sucks. Yup, SUCKS.

I haven't been to the doctor yet only because I know what's going to happen. He is going to ask me a ton of questions. I am going to cry. He is going to give me medication and tell me to see a therapist and send me on my way. I already know this. 5 years ago I would of gladly taken all this medication but now, not so much. Many reasons for that - they are expensive, they make me gain weight, some really alter your mind. This list can go on and on. Me taking some anxiety medication is not going to solve my issue.

I need to find out what is making me crazy. I need to be able to do normal things like go out to eat and go to church and have fun with friends.

This is killing me. It is making me crazy. I am so embarrassed by this as well. That's why it has taken me so long to talk about it. I haven't even told people except for Matt. It makes me feel weak. Like I can't control my own body.

SO there you have it. I have anxiety and can barely leave the house. End of story.