2011 - My Year in Review....(also my 100 post!!!)

This year has had it's share of up and downs. Just going to briefly recap my year from month to month.....and here we go!!!


January 2011 - I never did like January very much...too much holiday let down. The coolest and best thing that happened this month is that I was baptized on January 30th. It was the most AMAZING expierence. On the flip side of that, we invited my family, Matthew's family and some of our closest friends, I was a little disappointed when only Matthew's family showed and non of my friends or my family. I was just happiest having Matt and my kids there to witness it.


February 2011 -BORING month.....not much going on at all....oh wait.....just remembered....this is the month I booked our trips to Las Vegas and Florida!!! Made my month!!!! Also got my new lap top this month......oh yeah, forgot another important detail.....this also the month I was fired from my job for doing something stupid. And NO, it wasn't bad at all but I did break company policy and I had to suffer the consequences. Very bad couple weeks. Oh, and I got fired after I booked the non refundable trips to Las Vegas and Florida....so that was awesome. Well, I guess my February was not that boring!!!


March 2011 - Favorite month of this WHOLE YEAR!!! After almost 6 years, we were finally able to take a honeymoon to the most wonderful place on earth...LAS VEGAS!!! I cannot even begin to tell you what a GREAT time we had. We ate wonderful food, saw amazing shows, won some money on the penny slots, a ton of walking and sight seeing, ordering champagne to our room and just enjoying each other WITH NO KIDS!!!! I cannot wait to go back.....now we just got to find someone to watch the kids again...hahahhaha...yeah right.


And then my second trip. I took Landon to Florida to visit my brother and his family for 4 whole days!!! Taking my son on his first plane ride was awesome. (I take one kid to FL every other year so it gives me time with each kid and I get to spend time with my family in FL.) I LOVED spending time with my bro, Gary, and my sis in law, Meagan and my niece and nephew, Melody and little Gary. And I loved the alone time with my boy, Landon.


The ONLY thing I would of changed about all these trips is the timing. We left for Veags on a Saturday night, came home on Wednesday night, left for Florida early Thursday morning and got home late Monday night. If this was all in the same time zone, I think it might of been ok, but Vegas is a 3 hour diffrence and it was a little much for me to handle.


April 2011 -BABY GIRL TURNED 9 YEARS OLD!!!!! I cannot believe it...just yesterday she was born and I was holding her on my chest. She had a great party here at home!!! And of course we cannot forget Easter...we had a wonderful Easter celebrating our Savior, Jesus Christ. Oh, and I can't forget, I started a new job this month (thank GOD I was able to find something VERY quick)!!!


May 2011 - This month my hubby and I celebrated our 6th anniversary. Offically my longest marriage EVER!!! Haha...that was supposed to be funny.....oh well. Since we went to Vegas for our anniversary, we had a low key celebration......we went to dinner at a steak house - with the kids of course. It was so low key...that NO ONE called, texted, emailed, smoke signaled...NOTHING...to say a simple "Happy Anniversary". Man....that kinda stung. But I got over it and life moved on. I know that I will continue to wish my family and close friends a "Happy Anniversary" on their special day. Now, on the flip side of that, I forgot to call my BFF on her birthday. I know, I know...big hypocrite.....but here's the thing.......the weekend before her birthday she had a girly sleepover where we celebrated her bday. We did games, presents and cake...the whole 9 yards. So when the day of her birthday came, I kind of just forgot because we had already celebrated for her on another day. Man, I felt like crap...I still feel bad about it and it happened in flippin May. I know she is over it. We talked about it and moved on, but it still haunts me, just can't shake it.


And not the bad side of May. This May 18th marked the 10 year anniversary of my grandfather's passing. I still miss him like it was yesterday. I still think about him EVERYDAY. I wish he was here, to see my kids, to see me....to see my life. I miss that man dearly.


Also, May 15th marks the one year anniversary of my dad's passing. Although I wasn't too close to him, I am still sad. I am sad for the things that I will never know and never have. I am thankful for the last rea conversation my dad and I had. He was describing to me about when he met my mother and memories from way back. I feel like I got to know a side of him I have never seen before.


June 2011 - oh happy JUNE!! The weather is nice, trees and flowers are blooming and my brother, Gary and his family have arrived in town to visit!! We hosted a picnic for my family. It was nice to have me, my sister, my brother and my mom all back in one room again (actually it was one "yard" again). Emma was not able to be there because she was hitting the road with her Grandma Pam for a family reunion. Sidebar: This year I have come to realize that even if Emma is not with me and my family, she is with FAMILY. And that is all that matters. I have stopped being greedy and I understand Emma needs time with all members of HER family. thatisall

July 2011 - To kick off the month of July we hosted a 4th of July BBQ....so much fun that I forgot to take ALL the buns out of the freezer...hahahhahaha....dinner was delayed just a little while. This month we just enjoyed the nice summer weather with bike riding, swimming and hanging out with our friends.

August 2011 - FOOTBALL!!! August starts the football season for us. Emma started cheerleading again and Landon was in his first year of flag football. Very exciting and tiring all at the same time. We also celebrated my birthday...the big 31!!! It was low key and I received some awesome handmade cards from my kids. For my birthday weekend (yes, I actually get a whole week!!) we took the kids to Idlewild in PA. It was touch and go with the rain for awhile but ended up being FANTASTIC.

September 2011 - SCHOOLS IN!! Emma started 4th grade, Landon started Kindergarten and Chase entered his last year of preschool. It was bittersweet with the boys....This is the last year I will ever pay for preschool!!

October 2011 - This was a special month for me. I attended the Women of Faith confrence in Pittsburgh, PA October 7 and 8th. I spent 2 days filled with the love of our God and I got to share it with some pretty amazing people who mean so much to me.

November 2011 - BIRTHDAY MONTH!!! Chase turned 5 on November 6th and Landon turned 6 on November 29th. We have a HUGE combined party at our local bowling alley for about 30 of our friends and family. It was a big hit and the LOVED every single minute of it. And of course we cannot forget Thanksgiving. We spent the day running around from one family to another and I really wouldn't have it any other way. I took some great photos of my mother, grandma and my Emma. And to top off Thanksgiving, my bestie, Tara, and I had a marathon shopping trip for Black Friday. We started at 830pm on Thanksgiving and kept going till 8am Friday morning. At that point, I had to drop off something to my ex mother in law. I ended up staying about 2 1/2 hours spending time with her and talking. I was able to say alot of things to her that I have been holding in for so long. She now knows what a big influence she was on me and how much I love her and my ex father in law.

December 2011 - Oh sweet December...how I have waited for so long for you. This December was a magical month. All the decorating, cookie making, Santa trips and spending time with our family, some by blood, others by heart. The most amazing thing about this month was NONE of my kids were in any way sick for Christmas or New Years Eve!!! This has been the first time in 5 long years that NO ONE was sick.

I ended this year feeling incredibly blessed with all the things and people I have in my life. We have the most amazing church family who is there for us and supports us 100%. We are all in good health and both have good jobs. We have a beautiful home to live in (which I called my landlord yesterday and thanked her for allowing us to live in her home).

This year I have made some resolutions, some I will share and some are just for my self.

This year I will cook more....less eating out.

This year we will do something fun once a month.

This year I will blog at least every two weeks, if not more.

This year I will manage my money even better then we did last year. At the end of 2012, we will have at least $2000.00 in a savings account.

This year I will let those people who have touched my life in one way or another know it. I have learned this year, life is short. I want these people to know how much they have changed my life before it's too late.

The rest of my resolutions are just for me. I am choosing not to make them public because they are tough and it is going to be difficult for me, but I will prevail, no doubt.

Thank you all for being a part my life.

I am seriously slacking...

Sorry guys...lots of stuff going on lately.

My life seems to of flipped upside down again and I can't get my head on straight.

Let's go through a summary of things floating around in my life currently:

• my ex husband is killing me right now (I can't go into it cause I would never bash him online)


• my current husband is killing me right now (haha, it's ok to laugh) We are just at a place in our marriage where we are just living day to day to get by. It's hard for us to connect and to speak our minds, thoughts and feelings. I am feeling very stuck and lonely right now. And NO, I am not bashing him in anyway. He knows we are going through something. He knows we are trying to work out these kinks. All marriages have kinks...it's just taking time to work them out. I love him deeply and that will never change. I have no fear of divorcing or anything like that. We just hit an icky place. We are so busy with jobs, the kids, the house, holidays, birthday, etc that it is so hard to find "us" time. And if we do get time, we have to pay to go somewhere and pay for a sitter. And I know there are a ton of free or low cost things we can do but honestly it doesn't work for us. We like to sit down to a nice meal, chit chat and then we usually end of going to Target (yes, you can laugh again) where we walk around, window shop and talk some more. It works for us. Enough about us...lets move on


• Missing my grandpa and my dad like crazy. Holidays always get to me. Especially Father's Day and Christmas. I have no one to celebrate. (and yes I do celebrate my husband, but this is different) I feel like I have no one to honor for raising me. My grandpa did most of the raising. He was the main father figure in my life. I literally think about him EVERY DAY. I wish I could share things with him, ask him advice, tell him how much my kids take after him. I just miss him so much...it makes my heart hurt. I also miss my dad. He passed away May 15, 2010. It was very sudden. I didn't know him well or even spend much time with him. He spent most of his life addicted to some kind of drug and/or alcohol. I learned it was just in the last year of his life he became clean, got an apartment and started looking for us (me, my brother and sister) I learned that when he died it was quick and he came back drug and alcohol free. I just feel robbed. There was so much time I could of spent getting to know him again. All I have left are memories from when I was a kid and a mental picture of him laying in a casket. Both of those are two very different people. I would of liked to of known the in-between person and the person he was becoming.


• My wonderful children....who are becoming older right before my eyes. Emma learned all about Santa and the Tooth Fairy and she's getting boobies!! Landon started Kindergarten, Chase is in his last year of preschool.....they are becoming these people, they each have their own personality. I am not doing so well at this mothering thing. I am trying to do right. But in the back of my mind I just feel like a failure. These kids don't come with instruction books ya know.


• And finally there has been this ever growing journey with Christ. He finally has a secure place in my heart and world. My life is changing so rapidly and yet so slowly. I have lost old friends and have gained new. I have been praying so hard all the time. I am teaching the kids about God and the bible. We are going to church every Sunday. When something bad happens in my life I no longer blame God but I ask him to be with me to get through it. I no longer blame him for things in my life, I thank him. I am thankful for the grace of God. I know that he does not make bad things happen but the bad decisions I make do have consequences. I know in the end it will be God who I report to. I am not perfect and I am still on this crazy journey.

And that about sums everything up. I promise I am going to be better at this blogging thing. I feel better when I write. I just need to do it more often. Thanks all for listening....till next time

(oh, btw, I did spell check on this and I only misspelled ONE word!!! New record for me!!!)

Just a bunch of mumbo jumbo....

I wish I had more time to give my little ole blog. I am constantly thinking of blog posts in my head, I can just never seem to make them happen. So, again, this blog is going to be a hodge podge of things.

*The boys birthdays are coming soon. Chase will be 5 on November 6th and Landon will be 6 on November 29th. Crazy!! We are having a huge bowling party which of course I am spending way too much money on. Oh well...life goes on. I never really had parties growing up so I make sure my kids have blow out parties. I know what you are all thinking and I don't care. I just want to give my kids things I never had and yes I may over do it but the kids love it.

*Started my new 9 month bible study this week. Matt is doing it with me and so far it's been awesome. We both complete it separate then get together on Friday nights to discuss. Last night it took us 2 HOURS to go over 8 questions!!! This is going to be a great study. Basically we are taking the basics and looking deeper into them. I am so excited to do this with my husband. I think this is going to take our relationship to a whole new level.

*That is pretty much it right now. All I seem to do is eat, work, sleep and clean. That is my life.

Talk to you guys soon!!!

8 Months Later......

Ummmm has it really been 8 months since my last post??? Wow...

I am still living..taking each day one at a time.

So a quick summary of 2011....

January - nothing..cold and boring month

February - got a new laptop and got fired from my job

March - VEGAS BABY and took Landon to Florida to visit my brother (posts to come)

April - Baby girl Emma turns 9 and started my new job

May - celebrated my 6 year wedding anniversary

June - Landon lost his very first tooth

July - Boring month...did nothing but work, clean, cook, and take care of the kids

August - Celebrated my 31st bday, took a mini vacation to Idlewild Park in PA

and that about sums up the past 8 months, So how has everyone else been? I miss blogging. I am definitely going to make a commitment to at least one blog a week starting now.

There have been alot of ups and downs with me. I have been struggling with so many things. It's hard to be a full time working mom and now I have the kids cheerleading and football thrown into the mix....life just got harder. oh, well.....life goes on and I got to figure out a way to deal with it. I did make the big decision to go off all my meds. SCARY!!! The withdraw was horrible and I really didn't think it was ever going to end. But I did it. SO now I am trying to live my crazy life med free. We will just have to see how this goes.

I tried to quit smoking. I quit for a whole weekend. EPIC FAIL. I am just not ready to quit yet. I will get there, but in my own time.

Weight loss thing is a downer....might as well just call it what it is...weight gain but telling everyone that I am the same weight. Although I have decided (after talking with my husband) to look into having the LapBand procedure done. I am really excited about that possibility. We will just have to see where that takes us.

Kids are still crazy as hell. Emma's starting 4th grade and has to wear s sports bra now. Landon is starting kindergarten and has already lost 2 teeth and is riding a 20 inch bike. Chase is starting his last year of preschool and is FINALLY coming out of his shell. That kid has quite the personality, I love it.

Well, it's about that time for me...promise more next week....might even be like an actual subject or something not just a ton of random thoughts

Landon's Birth Story

SO I know Landon's birthday was almost a month ago.....but it's Christmas time and things got busy.

On November 29th my baby boy turned 5 years old. We celebrated by taking all the kids to Chuck E CHeese on the his actual birthday and it was a birthday miracle because the place was almost empty. It was the best time we have had at Chuck E Cheese for a long time. The kids had a great time and I had a great time!!

Ok, on to Landon's birth story...

Landon was a complete suprise. Matt and I were not trying to have a baby, infact I was on birth control when I got pregnant. Oops. It happens. Damn that bottle of wine! I won't go into all the drama (oh, but there was big drama) but everything worked out good and my due date was set for December 6th. I found out we were having a boy a couple weeks before my birthday so it was an early birthday present for me. I was beyond thrilled to be having a boy after having a little girl.

So my pregnancy for the most part went ok. I did have symphsis seperation which basiclly means my pevlic bone split in two. It was quite painful and they were unable to fix it or do anything about it until after birth. And even then after birth it just heals up on it's own......so with that being said they deceided to induce me at 39 weeks which would have been November 30th, a Tuesday.

On the saturday after Thanksgiving which was also the Saturday before birth, Matt and I deceided to go out and have a nice meal as one of our last meals before baby. We both ordered some kinda smothered chicken. After cutting into the chicken it kinda looked pinkish but we both thought it was from the red neon lights that were above us in the restuarant. Well needless to say.....we got food poisoning.

Matt and I were sick all day Sunday. It was horrible only having one bathroom. I finally started to feel better Sunday early evening and so did Matt. My stomach was still crampy and was hurting but I chalked it up to being sick. Late Sunday evening my stomach was hurting so bad that I thought it might be time to have this baby. I got MAtt up and we took Emma to my grandma's house.

We got to the hospital and sure enough I was dialted 4cm. Apparently the food poisoning with the dehydration kicked my body into labor. So they got me all checked in and started the IV. I was flying through the IV bags becasue I was so dehydrated. Well after they gave me 5 IV bags, my labor stopped. Now it was time to make a decision whether they were going to keep me and induce me one day early or if they were going to send me home and have me come back tomorrow for my induction.

They decided to keep me. They started the induction process around 9am, water broke about 1130am and my beautiful baby boy came in to this world at 5:39pm weighing 8lbs 4oz and 21 inches long. He was the most beaultiful baby that I had ever seen.

Matt was wonderful through the entire birthing process. I couldn't of asked for anything more.

Where has the time gone?

This year has been extremely hard for Matt and I. We lost our house, I lost my dad, family drama and lots of financial problems.

This has put me into a tailspin of depression. I am wallowing in it. I am swimming in it. I feel most days that I can't get out.

Losing the house was AWFUL! It made me feel like such a loser. Made me feel like I was the person my mother always made me out to be. My life was supposed to be different and now I lost the house that my family has grown in. It was just so unreal. I could see the disappointment in the eyes of family members and friends. I could see the "I told you so" look. It was harder telling people we lost the then actually losing the house.

When I lost my dad in May I remember just going through the motions. I was sad but I did not process it completely. Now I am starting that process. I am sad, so sad. I am realizing that I will never see him again. I will never be looking on the streets when I am driving. I will never ask my sister if she has talked to dad lately. I will never have to look in the paper to see if he has died. All because my dad has died. He is gone and I am trying to deal with it. I am trying to come to terms with all of these realizations.

It is just so hard to come to terms with all of it. And I am so sick of people asking me why am I so sad about it. I am sick of hearing what a crappy dad he was and he was never there. So sick of hearing that he was homeless and didn't see me for years. Well, folks that is why I am sad. There is no hope of me having a relationship with him now. He is gone. I will never fully get to know my dad. And now I am changing the subject (my posts have become such downers)

I finally started college!! I am majoring in Social Science in hopes of becoming a Licensed Social Worker in a few years. I know I can do this if I put my mind to it.

My goals for 2011 is to stay in school and lose weight. I know both of these will be hard for me but I know if I put my mind to it I can do it. I am going back on my diet that my cousin prepared for me and I am going to go to the gym at least twice a week. I know I will succeed.

This is my year!

Chase's Birth

So my baby boy will be 4 in a couple weeks and I have never written in depth about his birth story. So here it is.

I was induced at 39 weeks due to all the pelvic pain I was having - YEAH!!!

So we get to the hospital at 8am and of course I am so nervous, I was up most of the night with diarrhea (just an FYI - happened each time I went into natural labor). So at the hospital they checked me and I was 3 1/2 centimeters dilated, so I was pretty much in labor. I got all hooked up and everything was going great.

About 10:30 they broke my water and they my world fell apart!! The contractions started coming fast and hard. About 12:30pm I was able to get the famous epidural.....I was hoping this time it worked. I have done it with my other kids but it never took and I ended up having them natural.

And then I heard the angels sing.....IT WORKED! I felt so great. But even with the epidural I still felt lots o pressure. They did have to put an internal monitor on the baby because the baby's heart rate kept dropping. First time that has happened to me and boy was I nervous about the baby.

3pm - laying on my side and I felt the longest contraction ever. I told Matt to get the nurse but they were already coming in the room. They told me to turn over cause it was time.

I looked puzzled because they didn't even check me yet, but they are the docs, they know best. As we were getting prepared, my Dr. came in and asked if it would be alright to have a couple extra people in the room and of course I am all drugged up and said yes. By the time everything had started I had 2 doctors, 2 nurses, 4 residents, 2 student nurses and a woman who gives a lot of money to the hospital and she wanted to see a live birth. - Oh well, what are you gonna do?

So they finally checked me and I could of sworn I heard the doctor saying something like "oh crap there's the head" I swear I did.

At this point Matt felt really sick and had to go sit down. The nurses brought him some orange juice and he seemed to get better and he continued to stand my my side.

They the doc tells me Chase is upside down (not breech). His head was facing down instead of up. Doc said it might hurt a little more to push him out like that.

So I pushed and pushed for about 10 minutes and then there he was ...........

My 8lb 7oz 21 inches long born at 3:37pm Baby Boy!

My baby was almost perfect - his blood sugar was low so I had to wait to feed him and hold him for about an hour after birth, small price to pay.

I remember sitting there getting stitched up thinking I should order food now before dinner is over. So I did, I called while I was getting stitched up. I was so crazy hungry.

I ate, I peed, I walked around. It was all good. Finally I can go to my own room and possibly take a nap.