Thursday, October 28, 2010

Where has the time gone?

This year has been extremely hard for Matt and I. We lost our house, I lost my dad, family drama and lots of financial problems.

This has put me into a tailspin of depression. I am wallowing in it. I am swimming in it. I feel most days that I can't get out.

Losing the house was AWFUL! It made me feel like such a loser. Made me feel like I was the person my mother always made me out to be. My life was supposed to be different and now I lost the house that my family has grown in. It was just so unreal. I could see the disappointment in the eyes of family members and friends. I could see the "I told you so" look. It was harder telling people we lost the then actually losing the house.

When I lost my dad in May I remember just going through the motions. I was sad but I did not process it completely. Now I am starting that process. I am sad, so sad. I am realizing that I will never see him again. I will never be looking on the streets when I am driving. I will never ask my sister if she has talked to dad lately. I will never have to look in the paper to see if he has died. All because my dad has died. He is gone and I am trying to deal with it. I am trying to come to terms with all of these realizations.

It is just so hard to come to terms with all of it. And I am so sick of people asking me why am I so sad about it. I am sick of hearing what a crappy dad he was and he was never there. So sick of hearing that he was homeless and didn't see me for years. Well, folks that is why I am sad. There is no hope of me having a relationship with him now. He is gone. I will never fully get to know my dad. And now I am changing the subject (my posts have become such downers)

I finally started college!! I am majoring in Social Science in hopes of becoming a Licensed Social Worker in a few years. I know I can do this if I put my mind to it.

My goals for 2011 is to stay in school and lose weight. I know both of these will be hard for me but I know if I put my mind to it I can do it. I am going back on my diet that my cousin prepared for me and I am going to go to the gym at least twice a week. I know I will succeed.

This is my year!


Anonymous said...

I know exactly what you mean about dad, I still look on the streets by the Haven, I still hurt too.....College?!?! You didnt tell me, thats awesome!!!