One more about my Dad.....just an update

I called the coroners office last Friday to find out my dad's cause of death. After saying a huge long word the ME said that he died from a bad heart. He said that my dad most likely had a heart attack and dies instantly. I think I actually let out a sigh of relief. I wasn't even going to ask about the toxicology report but he brought it up and asked if I would like to know the results.

I think I had about 15 different emotions running through me at the same time. Then I remember saying "sure". He told me at the time of death my dad was NEGATIVE for any drugs and alcohol.

In that moment a wave of relief ran through my body. For the first time in sooooo long, I was proud of of dad. I was happy for him. I was happy he didn't lie. I was happy he was clean. I was actually proud of him. That feeling was great and I am still living that feeling.

So now when anyone has anything crappy to say about my dad I am totally going to throw it in there face. He died a recovering drug and alcohol addict. Not a user, but in recovery.

And yes, I know that my dad was far from perfect. He didn't pay child support, he didn't come to see us, he was in and out of jail, he was homeless that last 5 years or so of his life.....BUT the day my dad died HE WAS CLEAN. And I am allowed to be proud of that.

4th of July Weekend

My family and I had such a wonderful busy weekend. We spent a ton of family time together and did so many things.



Friday

• Doctors appt for me


• Finally picked up my dads ashes (yes it really did take me that long)


• Got a pedicure


• Went to CiCi's for dinner


• Went and saw Eclipse with my hubby and some great friends

Saturday

• Breakfast with my dads brother, Jamie and his wife, then out to there farm house.


• Hartville Flea Market (crazy busy!!)


• Car Show at Summit Racing...the boys LOVE to go to Daddy's work. Landon is obsessed with Mustangs even though my husband very much dislikes them.


• Went out to dinner at Rockne's


• Played on the Slip N Slide and in the pool


• Then off to Portage Lakes fireworks where all kids fell asleep one the way home - YEAH!

Sunday

• I had to work...boo...well I didn't HAVE to, I chose to. It was a lot of extra money and it was only 8-4.


• Matt took the kids to church for one of the most amazing services...which I had to miss :(


• Then off to Downtown Akron for the Rib, White and Blue Festival and Fireworks

And now I am back at work. We are headed out later to do some swimming with some peeps from church and that is ALWAYS a good time.

But for now I will sit here eating my 3rd piece of banana bread thinking about all the amazing people that have been taken out of my life too soon. July 4th always gets to me. Especially since my grandpa died in 2001. My grandma's bday is June 30th and that's when the grieving starts back. It is still weird not to have him here for all these big events and life changes.

And now this year I have my dad to think about. It kind of feels over now. I picked up his ashes and now I am done. What else is there to do? Part of me is relieved that I went and got them. I gave some to my sister and some to my dads brother and I still have to take some to my dads sister. But part of me is sad cause it's all over and everything is done. I really can't explain what I mean, it's just so hard. Life goes on. I will grieve and I will go on.

On to something lighter...the fireworks!!! Akron's fireworks were AMAZING! I always get so emotional when I look at the fireworks and I am hearing all the music and I sit in awe of my family. It's like reality kicks me in the butt every year. They are all mine. There 3 amazing, fearless children are all mine. My adoring husband who looks at me like I am the most beautiful things on this planet..is all mine.

I am so blessed to have my family.

I don't say it nearly enough.

Update: 101 Things To Do in 1001 Days

1. Paint Kitchen
2. Paint Family Room
3. Take down all wallpaper in large hallway
4. Power wash house
5. Landscape the front yard (and then maintain it) **DONE
6. Catch up scrapbooking (and maintain it at least every 3 months)
7. Make a chore chart for my children and make them stick to it
8. Make a cleaning schedule (one for everyday tasks and one for big things) **DONE
9. Go through everyone’s closet and donate any clothes to Goodwill ** DONE
10. Buy new pots and pans
11. Get Hubby an awesome lawn mower (we have a large yard and need a much better mower) **DONE
12. Get a swimming pool for the kids **DONE
13. Organize all scrapbook supplies **DONE
14. Go through all the 30 boxes of kids clothes in basement and decide once and for all what to do with them
15. Spend an hour each week with each kid alone
16. Sleep 7 hours a night EVERY night
17. Get a new bedroom set
18. Get a new bedding set (to match the new bedroom set)
19. Start packing for vacation only one week ahead (not a month ahead)
20. Stick to the Christmas budget
21. Lose 10lbs
22. Lose 20 lbs
23. Lose 20 lbs
24. Lose 20 lbs
25. Lose last 10 lbs
26. Quit smoking in 2010
27. Go to a marriage retreat with my husband
28. Read my bible **DONE
29. Become more active at church **DONE
30. Learn more about God, learn more stories ** DONE
31. Take a financial class
32. Read 50 books
33. Drink ONLY water for one week
34. Build an emergency fund equal of 2 months paychecks
35. Make a will
36. Get 2 bookshelves and proudly display a lot of my books
37. Have Matt and kids get passports so we can go to Niagara Falls
38. Go one month with no fast food (does not include pizza)
39. Continue going once a month with the girls from church ** DONE
40. Go one entire weekend with no internet/cell phone
41. Go one entire week wearing NO sweat pants or tops
42. Get a pedicure
43. Get a facial
44. Go on vacation Summer 2010
45. Go on vacation Summer 2012
46. Go to Idlewild summer 2011
47. Write one letter a month to a friend or family member (not email, an actual letter)
48. Complete budget for 2010 **DONE
49. In December complete budget for 2011
50. In December 2011, complete budget for 2012
51. Visit my grandma 3 times a week at the very least **DONE
52. Organize DVD’s in alphabetical order
53. Keep food cupboards organized (new food in back) **DONE
54. Do not dye hair for 3 months- let it grow and get healthy again
55. Get more 4th of July decorations
56. Get more Christmas decorations
57. Get more Thanksgiving decorations
58. Wean my kids off fruit snacks
59. Start eating more sugar free foods
60. Play board games with kids once a week
61. Get a new fish and not let him die
62. Exercise 3 times a week at gym (I can get in free with my awesome health insurance card)
63. Try to make my bed every day
64. Get a new lap top
65. Get a smart phone
66. Get new couches **DONE
67. Send thank you cards after all the kids birthdays
68. Make a difficult cookie for the cookie party
69. Make a new dish each month
70. Eat home more often
71. Only have chicken nuggets and Mac n cheese once a week **DONE
72. Take trash to the trash can, I will not throw any more candy wrappers behind my headboard (yeah, I know, I’m like 5) **DONE
73. Stop sneaking sweets and if I do, only once a week
74. Only 2 McDonalds Frappes a week (does that count as fast food?? It’s only coffee right?) **DONE
75. Only go to WalMart, Target and Giant Eagle once a week. **DONE
76. Do not let the gas in my car get below ¼ tank
77. Take a pottery class
78. Join a book club through the library
79. Take kids to story time once a week (or every two weeks)
80. Commit to not committing to so much each week **DONE
81. Have a GNO at a hotel once a year with 3 close friends
82. Only have one selling party a year (ya know, like Pampered Chef, Tastefully Simple, PartyLite..etc, I could go on and on)
83. Go to each and every one of Emma’s cheerleading games
84. Try and be team mom for season 2011 for Emma’s cheer squad **DONE
85. Get an iPod
86. Spend 20 minutes a day talking with my husband without my children around **DONE
87. Get a new portable dishwasher **DONE
88. Shop more at discount stores i.e. Big Lots, Sav A Lot, Marc’s
89. Shop less for needless things
90. Get contacts
91. Play more Rockband and get really good so I am rock out with my brother
92. Be nicer to my ex husband **DONE
93. Blog at least once a week – shoot for 2 but will be happy with one
94. Twitter more often
95. Facebook a little less
96. Go on a date with my husband once a month
97. Get a houseplant and not kill it
98. Organize filing cabinet **DONE
99. Go through and organize ALL junk drawers through out the house **DONE
100. Save $5 for each item I complete off this list
101. Make a new list after 1001 days

So I think I am making pretty good progress. I wanted to have more done but oh well, life gets in the way.

Wow...it's been way too long.

I am going to try and make this a quick update so you don't have to be reading this all day.

I have been trying to deal with my dads death. These past few weeks have been hard and I am sad a lot. I am sad for so many different reasons that I would prolly make no sense telling you all of them.

I am working through the grief and anger with the help of some great ladies at church. They are AMAZING and I am so grateful to know these women.

My husband has been utterly wonderful these past few weeks. He is dealing with my moods and anger. He is just a fantastic husband.

Speaking of my fantastic husband, we celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary on the 28th. We had the best time. We slowed danced and drank...we could ask for a better evening.

Then......my very little 4 year old man, Landon, is riding a bike with no training wheels!! How cool is that??? Matt was a little disappointed because he didn't get to "teach" his first son how to ride a bike. Matt took the wheels off, Landon hopped on and he TOOK OFF!! Matt had to run inside and grab the camera, so we weren't even able to get his first time on camera. This is about 10 minutes after he took off. (and yes, we did go out and buy him a bike helmet)

We have been working around the house and the yard getting things done. All of the house is done (except for the wallpaper in the hallway, but that can wait) and we finally got all the landscaping done. And when I say we, I mean Matt. I think I am allergic to yard work. Below is one of the first plants Matt ever bought me. On our first date he brought me a Lily and when we bought our first house he bought me the lilies below. We transferred all our plants to the new house and they are doing extremely well.

Well, I think that about does it. Oh, I almost forgot. Landon and Chase received there first Pen Pal letter!!! I got in the day after my dad died so getting the response in the mail has been a work in progress but I am determined to get it in the mail by the end of the weekend!!

I promise to start blogging more, I just have to get outta my funk. Peace Out Yo!

My Dad is Gone

My dad and I had a strained relationship to say the least. But in the end he was my dad.

My dad died Friday May 14th around 930am. The Akron Police Dept found him dead on he side of the road near Wolf Ledges. He was walking, collapsed and someone called 911, he was dead before the first responding officer arrived.

My dad has been a drug and alcohol addict for as long as I can remember. He was in and out of our lives, mostly out. I have seen him a hand ful of times since becoming an adult.

The last time I saw him was September 2007. I met him at the Haven of Rest (a local homeless shelter) where he was staying. We walked to the park behind the building and talked for about 2 hours. My dad has never lied to me. He always told me he was a bad father. He told me to always felt guilty and he knew he couldn't control his addictions. I am not saying what he did was right and because he told me the truth that it erases the pain but at least I know that he knew he screwed up.

Throughout planning his funeral I am finding out so much about this man. My dad has been involved in many community services, mostly CSS, to get back on his feet. My dad has been clean and sober since September 2009. He took regular drug test and has passes. His caseworker help him get disability and an apartment. My dad finally did it. He finally got clean. He was turning his life around.

His CSS caseworker told me that he has been looking for us (me, my sister and brother) for about 3 months. She look on Facebook and Myspace and did many Internet searches, but not knowing our married names made it hard. His caseworker finally did find my mom and they were planning on going to my moms house this upcoming week. Just one more week and I could of seen my dad. Just one more week.

This whole process has been unreal. Everything from talking to the Medical Examiners office to sitting for 2 hours in the funeral home and planning out his funeral. I feel like an adult finally. This is just too much.

I am sad, very sad. I kinda wish I didn't know my dad was getting clean for us and that he talked about us all the time to his caseworker. I will never have a relationship with the clean and sober dad I have always wanted. I will never have that.

Regardless of what my dad to us growing up he is still my dad and I still love him. He still deserves an amazing and proper funeral. I will never forget what I had to go through with him but I will forgive him.

If you would like to see the obituary, please go to Ohio.com and search for Gary L Robinson Sr.

No matter what anyone says he left this world as a good man. He did it, he finally did it and I am so proud of him.

Just a Quickie......

Life has been INSANE these past 2 weeks.

We have finally got all moved. I can't wait to post pictures but by the time I clean up and get ready to take pictures the kids have destroyed my house.

Moving day went REALLY well. Since we have been moving for month, all we had on moving day was the big stuff. Matt picked the truck up at 8am, they started loading about 815am, and it was all unfreakin loaded at 11am!!! We had everything put away and most of the stuff hung up by 5pm. We actually had time to go out for Mexican, a trip to Lowes and Walmart and we all got showers and chilled. Sunday we spent the day finishing hanging stuff, organizing the basement and doing odds and ends. If we ever move again I am doing it this way. It was so easy and non stressful.

I did have one breakdown on moving day. We loaded up everything and I was the last one to leave because I stayed and I did one last walk through. I got into my car and started bawling. I have not cried that hard in a loooooonnnnnnggggg time. I had so many thoughts and emotions running through my body. I was sad to see our first house go. I was upset because we mis managed money and we lost the house. I was sad to see the memories stay and we left. I was scared of the new house and the new life. So of course I tried to call my husband and no answer, I tried calling my best friend and no answer. So I just drove, barley unable to see, I just drove. I pulled into the new house and I know I looked like a big mess. No one said anything to me but I know they saw it. Even though we did everything we could to keep our house I still feel like the worlds biggest failure.

So let's move on to more happier things. I finally start my DAY SHIFT job on May 24th! I am beyond excited. I feel this was a great move for me and I know I am totally going to kick ass.

Well, I am running out of steam but I just have one more little thing to share with you. A few weeks ago our Director of Services (the big wig) sent out an email asking for a paragraph on the mom, grandma, aunt, or special woman in our lives. She wanted to send them a Mothers Day card from our agency. So here is what was sent to my grandma (the best woman in the entire world) My grandma is my world. My grandparents practically raised me because my mom couldn't. SO here's in the awesome Mothers Day card from my work (Battered Women's Shelter of Summit and Medina Counties)


Dear Irene;

A few weeks ago, I told the staff of the Battered Women’s Shelter that they could send me a story about their Mothers, Sisters or Grandmothers and that I would then forward a special Mothers Day Card to each of them.

Therefore it is with enormous gratitude that I am sending this card to with you with wishes for the Happiest Mothers Day from Kelly. We are so blessed to have a staff member like your grand-daughter on our team.

They say that the “apple does not fall far from the tree”. So with that in mind………..

- I thank you for Kelly’s kindness………….she is always looking for ways to help and support other staff and our clients,
- I thank you for Kelly’s sense of humor……she makes us smile at every turn, even when the topics are heavy and serious she can find a way to smile,
- I thank you for Kelly’s desire to better herself…………she always listens and accepts the constructive supervision offered by her supervisors,
- I thank you for Kelly’s sense of initiative………..whenever there is something needing done she see’s it and jumps right in to start the work,
- I thank you for Kelly’s empathy skills………..she helps every client to feel a little better for spending time with her,
- I thank you for Kelly’s desire to help others………..she would give the shirt off her back for a person in need,
- I thank you for Kelly’s loyalty…….she believes in this agency and in the people we serve.

You raised a wonderful young woman and I am proud to have her as a member of our staff.
You did so much right with her in her young years that she is now a beautiful and fabulous member of society.

So on this Mothers Day…………….I thank you for your gift to us, your grand-daughter.

Please enjoy these thoughts that Kelly shared with me:

My Grandma has been there for me ever since I can remember. She has been my one stable person my whole life. I will always remember Friday night was the night we ate out, Saturdays were for big breakfast and cleaning. I will always remember how I thought my grandma was the smartest person in the world because she always answered the questions right on Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune. She is the one person that holds our entire family together; 6 kids and their spouses, 17 grandchildren and their spouses and 34 great grandchildren. My grandma taught me how important family is and what a family really was. Grandma taught me right from wrong. She taught me how to stand up for my self. She taught me that I have to work hard to get the things I want from life. She taught me relationships and marriage is hard and takes work. She taught me to always try and be the bigger person. I love my grandma like she was my mom. I am the luckiest person in the world to have been able to spend my life with her.

Thank you Irene for being such a great role model for Kelly. Your family is a wonderful example of love.
Have a wonderful Mothers Day,
Terri Heckman, Executive Director

Almost Time!!

Moving day is 3 days away!! I only have 3 more nights left in that house. Matt and I talked last night and luckily we are not really attached to the home. We had only lived there 3 years and yes it was our first home but neither of us is really attached to it.

Of course I am sad to leave it. We have had alot of great memories there. My baby Chase was only 6 months old when we moved in. He learned to walk and talk in that living room.

It was the home where Landon and Chase dyed Easter Eggs for the first time. The living room where I saw my daughter grow up right before my eyes; standing there in her cheerleading uniform with her hair all pulled back.

The house where my husband and I really learned to love each other. We learned how to talk to each other. We learned how to enjoy each others company.

I watched my kids embrace the magic on Santa and leave carrots for the reindeer.

Okay, I lied, tears are welling up thinking about all these memories. But life goes on. Matt and I made this decision on alot of prayer. We truly believe this is the best decision for our family.

We will build new memories. We will make a better lives for our family.