Grandma's 85th Birthday

This weekend we celebrated Grandma's 85th birthday party in typical our family style.....Hawaiian decor with fried chicken.

My family came in from all over. Two of my cousins and the kids stayed with us. It was such an awesome time. Grandma's party went awesome!!

I can't really talk about it too much because I get all teary eyed and all that jazz. I have so much to say to my grandma but I just can't seem to get the words out. One day I will though. But until then I will leave you with a few photos from that day.

My grandma is being wheeled around visiting everyone.

Grandma was SO EXCITED to see two or her three sisters!! I thought she was going to cry.

The husband and the youngest child.

Me and my Aunt Shirley (after I lost 25lbs and still going)

Just a overall shot.

My stepdad holding the the Operation money that my kids smuggled into the party.

Don't ya love the princess crown I got grandma!!

And that's about it. Well, not really I got about 50 more pictures but you can always check them out on Facebook. 

Time to get real...

Something has been weighing on my mind and my heart lately and I'm finally going to talk about it.

Waaaaaayyyy back in the day, like early spring of 2000, my soon to be husband and I were going to premarital counseling. We were talking about a whole slew of things and of course parenting came up. Actually discipline came up. I said to Pastor Brenda how nervous I was of how Tim would be with our kids if we ever have any. Pastor Brenda looked at me and told us that is was me she was worried about, not Tim. She said something to the effect that due to my upbringing she was afraid I would not punish my children in the best manner. I shrugged it off and went on my happy way and got married. Couple years later I had my Emma Elizabeth. Things were still good.

Then I got divorced, remarried and had two more children. This is when it all started. See, Emma was a REALLY good kid. I never had to do more then just get stern and tell her no. She was so easy to discipline, so easy. Then these two little boys came along and I finally figured out what Pastor Brenda meant and honestly is scares the living day lights out of me.

Ever since Emma was born I told myself I was not going to spank my kids. Like I said, Emma was easy, there was no threat of spankings or nothing. Then the boys came along. Oh those boys. They have pushed my limits most days, but I will still NOT spank my kids.

I bet your wondering why. Everyone who knows this about Matt and I wonder why and of course question us and of course have their own opinion.

I don't spank my kids because I am terrified I will not know when to stop. I am afraid to touch my children out of anger.

This is how I grew up. My siblings and I were beat again and again all the time. Sometimes we were hit with hands, sometimes belts, sometimes whatever the parents had handy. It was awful. So that's all I know.

One time I did let myself punish one of my boys and it went down so bad. I punished him out of anger and after wards I felt like the worst person on earth. I felt like I was my mother. I felt guilty. I felt wrong.

After all these years I finally get what Pastor Brenda was saying. I understand it. And now I have to do something about it.

I know that I have to get help to cope and deal with the issues I have as an adult trying to parent my own children.

I know I would never hurt my kids, never, BUT there is that chance I may flip just like my mom. I flip out verbally so it could happen. It could. And I am going to do everything in my power to make sure it doesn't. I have my husband here to help me with dealing with all of this.

I don't know why I am just now writing about this. This is something I have struggled with for a couple of years now and I am sick and tired of people telling me why I SHOULD spank my kids. And I don't think everyone needs to know why I don't. Yeah, that conversation would go great. I can see it now.

Everyone else: "So why don't you spank your kids?"


Me: "um, you know, I was spanked and beat as a kid so now I don;t want to spank cause I am afraid I'll beat the crap out of my kids too."


Everyone else: "oh"


See, do you see how that conversation would go. I would be labeled a child abuser without ever laying a hand on my kids. It would never be out of someones mind about what I might do.

But today, June 26, 2012, I just don't care. It's a real issue that I deal with on an everyday basis and I am done making up excuses why I don't spank my kids. I'm done. So here it is...are ya ready....listen up...

I DON'T SPANK MY KIDS BECAUSE I WAS SPANKED AND BEAT AS A KID AND I AM AFRAID IF I START I WILL BEAT THE LIVING CRAP OUT OF MY KIDS TOO


And that's that. There is the truth. And my husband and I are dealing with it. And by the grace of God, I will come out on top.

screaming and crying

Is there ever a time in your life where all you want to do is sit in bed and have a really good cry? A good cry over nothing and everything? That is me today.

I just feel like wrapping myself up in a blanket and just letting go.

On the other hand, I am trying to keep things in prospective. I keep trying to tell myself that my life is not bad. I have a good life. I have issues just like anyone else and there are alot of people much worse off then I am.

I am trying to go with the flow of life. I am praying more then I ever did before. I am trying to surround myself with good christian people. I am trying to do what the bible tells me to do.....but it's hard, damn hard.

I feel like I am never going to live up to what God asks of me. I get discouraged. I keep screwing things up. Ugh. BUT I will not give up. I will not give up the faith, hope and love.

I WILL keep praying, I will keep up with me studies, I will keep up with my devotionals and I will keep up with my godly friends.

And yet, I know there are going to be days where I will just want to get wrapped up in my blanket and cry it out, and I will.

Summer Break - Day 1

From time to time this summer break I will be blogging about the joys of my children. Don't worry I won't blog every day but just on days that I feel the NEED to write.

OK, so day ONE
Plumber wakes me up at 8:30 in the morning to fix my sink that hasn't worked since Friday night (today is Wednesday) when I just fell asleep at 3:30am!! UGH

Kids actually slept in till around 9 and that was about the only great part of today.

Even before 11:30am, the kids were already screaming and crying and fighting and hitting and driving me ape shit. Oh, and did I mention I was out of coffee today!!!! The one day to be out of coffee. And yes, I know that I have 3 gas stations within a one mile radius but that would mean putting a bra on and that was not gonna happen (actually it did happen but not till around 6pm cause I am awesome like that).

Fed them lunch full of leftovers of hot dogs, tater tots and pasta salad. All 3 kids complained and I forced all 3 kids to eat what I gave them, 2 of the 3 ate. Oh well Chase, maybe next time.

The afternoon was followed by the kids acting crazy and me trying to take a nap. The more tired I got the more they acted crazy. All I wanted was a nap, which I did end up getting. Woke up from my nap and Chase's head was bleeding. He somehow cracked his head, thank goodness no hospital or stitches were needed. I still really do not have the true story of what happened.

Dinner was a disaster. Landon acted like he was two and ended up being punished.

Got home from running some errands and Chase brought out his almost brand new comforter and pillow and there was GUM all freakin over it. I almost lost my cool. Besides my little nap today, all I've done is clean clean clean. Clean the kitchen, 2 loads of dishes, clean the bathroom, clean the living room, help clean up the kids rooms, 3 loads of laundry and so on and so on.

And now it's 8:54pm, kids are finally chillin watching some ridiculous cartoon on TV and begging for a snack.

I know it may not seem like much but remember this is DAY ONE, DAY FREAKIN ONE of summer break. My brain can only imagine all the nifty things that are going to happen this summer. I have a feeling not all my kids are gonna make it!!

7 WHOLE YEARS!

Can't believe we have been married 7 whole years!!! And I haven't killed him yet!! LOL

This picture was taken May 28, 2005 sometime around 6pm. I was 24, he was 19. Such a baby.......

Matt and I had a whirlwind romance. We met, we became friends, we fell in love and got married. The End.

I remember this day like it was yesterday. The weather in the morning was beautiful and it was somewhere around 70 degrees. We had a 4:30pm wedding planned outside. We took our time setting up all the tables, chairs, decorations and all that jazz. Then as I was getting ready, sometime around 3:45pm, the weather turned soooooo bad. The sky just opened up and the winds felt like a tornado. It was nuts and it all stopped around 4:15pm. So my soon to be husband and his groomsmen and my bridesmaids were outside QUICKLY redoing table covers and favors and chairs and all that fun stuff as I sat in my best friends bed room trying not to freak out. I do have this one picture that was taken of me about 4:25pm, I was not dressed, no make up and you could see how tear streaked my face was.

After the weather disaster, the sun came out, it was chilly, but still sunny. Our wedding went off without a hitch. I walked down to Elvis Presley  - Hawaiian Wedding Song (perfect for our "Hawaiian wedding").
We exchanged lei's (a Hawaiian tradition) and we said our vows. The pastor announced us husband and wife and we walked back down the aisle to some more Elvis, but for the life of me I cannot think of the song. It's going to eat me up until I can think of it. I'll have to do a little researching on this.

After we were married we had a little casual "reception". I hate to call it a reception because it was more like a backyard BBQ. Almost all the people we love and care for were there, we ate fried chicken, we played corn hole, listened to more Elvis and ate some wedding cake. We had a blast. It was casual and relaxing.

And now here we are 7 years later. Lots of things have happened in these 7 years....gave birth to 2 baby boys (11 months apart), had my Landon go through 2 different surgeries, bought a house,, lost a house, had two of the 3 kids start school (and do really well!!) I have had many job changes and many meltdowns. We have had our ups and downs, but here we are. We made it. We really made it.

We made it through some of the most horrible life changes, but we did and how you ask, how??? Through the power of our Lord Jesus Christ. The moment we gave our lives to the Lord, is the moment I knew we were going to be just fine no matter what the world throws at us. I believe 110% that as long as we live a Christ centered life, we will be ok. I know. I trust it. I trust in Him.

Just in a funk....again....but whatever, that's normal for me

This week has been quite a week. Ugh. Let me list the highlights for ya:

• Home from vacation let down. You know, returning the AWESOME rental car, back to driving my lovely Jeep, putting all stuff away, and just back to the grind.
• Got into a huge fight with my mother who repeatedly called me a "fucking bitch" over and over and of course I have the voice mails to prove it.
• Got into a fight with my sister, and we have not talked about it yet. She is avoiding me, I am avoiding her.
• Tuesday was the 2 year anniversary of my dad's death. Nuff said.
• Thursday was the 11th year anniversary of my grandpa's death. And it feel like yesterday. I thought it was supposed to get easier over time.
• Also Thursday my grandma, who is my rock, fell and broke her leg. She is in the hospital and in alot of pain. I HATE seeing her there. It kills me. It hurts so much.
• Let's not forget fighting with one of my best friends.

So this week I have become a hermit. I have slept so many hours this week. I lost count. I am trying really hard to put a brave face on and go about my day but inside my heart hurts. It feels like it's crumbling.

I know the only way that I have gotten through this week is God. I have been praying and praying and praying. I know that I am still here because of him. He as given me the strength for the week, for the day, each day.

But I am still allowed to feel sad, angry, and hurt. Just because I feel this way doesn't mean anything. It means that I have God on my side getting me through this. And he will.

I just feel the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I feel like I am constantly fighting for something. I am constantly on the go. I feel like I am suffocating.

Some of you may wonder why I am even telling you all this. Well, the answer is simple. I am not a private person. I am upfront with about almost everything. And I am cool with that. Now with that being said, if it involves other people, I tend not to open up about it because that person did not ask to be a part of my blog. So I do have boundaries. Enough about that, back to me having a "whoa is me" party.

I get like this sometimes. I become anti social, sad, depressed, then I sleep alot. Most likely the bipolar in me. One day I will snap out of it. Might be tomorrow, might be 2 weeks from now, but one day I will wake up and be just fine again....till next time.

Speaking of the bipolar, I am so over taking medications for it. I have been on so many things that I lost track. ALL of them have some side effect or another, like, hair falling out, teeth rotting, weight gain, weight loss and on and on. So I'm done taking meds. Now I rely on only one doctor to get me through the hard times. God. And it works for me. I am not saying everyone should just stop taking prescribed meds and let God handle it, but for me it works. I have medication free for almost two years. In these two years I have had my ups and downs but I have always gotten through them. And I will get through this one with alot of prayer and a great support system.

**Pause**
Just realized that I am so ADD when it comes to my writing. I went back and re-read what I wrote and it just jumps from subject to subject. I just write what pops in my head at any given time. For the average person, just by reading this post, they would think I'm nuts. But this is my blog and I will write all crazy -like if I want too..HAHAHAHA.

**Continue**

I love ranting. Gives my brain a chance to unload and get all this stuff out of my brain. And I love this blog. I love writing. I love that it's mine and I can pretty much write whatever I want.  When I first started this blog it was supposed to me a mommy blog, you know, write about my kids, record everything worth anything that happened in their life. Like an online scrapbook of sorts, but now it's become a place to write about anything. A couple of days ago I went back and re-read ALL of my blog posts. Truly made me laugh because I am all over the board. You cannot classify this blog as anything. It's a place where my mind goes to throw up. And I love it. I would not change a thing. Well, now it's time for me to go and get all the kiddos off to bed. They need a break from fighting (and so do I)!!!

Vacation 2012

Wow...vacation was so amazing this year. I would cloud up this post with a ton of pictures but most of you follow me on Facebook and can find them all there.

So let's start at the VERY beginning

Friday 8:00pm - kick off vacation at TGI Fridays!!! woop woop!!!

Friday 10:30pm - On the road!!!! During these long, long hours we drove and drove and stopped to pee and stopped to pee again and again (that's what ya get when you travel with 4 adults and 5 kids). I got to see the sunrise in Charlotte and of course we made the obligatory stop at Cracker Barrel for breakfast about an hour from Charlotte. So we drive and drive some more and finally pull in the resort at 5:30pm on Saturday. Ugh. Long drive, talkative kids, ugh. Our resort was so awesome. It was a 3 bedroom condo which basically a two bedroom condo and a one bedroom condo with a connecting door. That meant we had two kitchens, two washers, two dryers, three bathroom and all that jazz. So on with the day, we ordered pizza, unpacked and drank wine then fell asleep. The End.

Sunday  - Emma and I drove to Tampa to see my brother and his family. First he took us to his store where he is the manager, Fit2Run, a running store. Since I recently started running, he thought it would be good to evaluate me. First he put me on this machine thing that analyzed my feet. Basically checked my arches and where I hold my weight. (apparently I have high arches and carry my weight in my heels), next he measured my feet. That was a big surprise because for years I have been wearing a size 11 but actually my feet are a size 10 wide width. Next he had me jump on a treadmill and walk fast while they video taped me!! Then he played in back in slow mo explaining to me how I run/walk and what kind of shoes that I needed. Long story short I walked out with awesome shoes, running socks and amazing support arches.

So after all this Emma and I went to lunch with my sister in law and her family. It was so much fun to get to spend time with my niece and nephew.

Sunday night we ate dinner in and just chilled at the hotel.

Monday - MAGIC KINGDOM!!!!! Nuff said...it was awesome and I acted like a 5 year old running around like crazy while also spraining my ankle. Oh and then after Disney we came home, showered, put kids to bed and then the power went out!!! So we did the next best thing, grabbed a bottle of vodka from the freezer and had a nice little party.

Tuesday - My brother, sister in law and the kids came in from Tampa. We spent the day at the hotel water park then went out for Mexican food. My niece and nephew got to spend the night with us and it was a little crazy.

Wednesday - Flea market day!!! Got lots of Disney stuff pretty cheap. For dinner we hit up Downtown Disney and ate the TRex Cafe. It was LOUD but also very cool. After we walked around Downtown Disney and bought up as much stuff as we could. LOL

Thursday - COCOA BEACH DAY!!! I love the beach, however the sun does not like me. We were only out for about 4 hours and I ended up fried and my kids were fried but only in spots. We stopped at a local diner and had dinner on the deck where we saw dolphins from our table. Totally AWESOME!!

Friday - SEA WORLD!! See Shamu was definitely the high light of the trip for me. I loved introducing the kids to Shamu and the dolphin show.

Saturday - Time to go home. We drove to Charlotte, NC and spent the night. We ate at Nana's Soul Food for dinner and it was the most amazing dinner. I even got a gallon of sweet tea for the drive home.

Sunday - Drove the last 9 hours home, unloaded the car and headed to Outback for my Mother's Day dinner which was totally yummy.

So there you have it, a very quick summary of our trip. It was the best and I got to make some great memories with my kids.