Summer Break - Day 1

From time to time this summer break I will be blogging about the joys of my children. Don't worry I won't blog every day but just on days that I feel the NEED to write.

OK, so day ONE
Plumber wakes me up at 8:30 in the morning to fix my sink that hasn't worked since Friday night (today is Wednesday) when I just fell asleep at 3:30am!! UGH

Kids actually slept in till around 9 and that was about the only great part of today.

Even before 11:30am, the kids were already screaming and crying and fighting and hitting and driving me ape shit. Oh, and did I mention I was out of coffee today!!!! The one day to be out of coffee. And yes, I know that I have 3 gas stations within a one mile radius but that would mean putting a bra on and that was not gonna happen (actually it did happen but not till around 6pm cause I am awesome like that).

Fed them lunch full of leftovers of hot dogs, tater tots and pasta salad. All 3 kids complained and I forced all 3 kids to eat what I gave them, 2 of the 3 ate. Oh well Chase, maybe next time.

The afternoon was followed by the kids acting crazy and me trying to take a nap. The more tired I got the more they acted crazy. All I wanted was a nap, which I did end up getting. Woke up from my nap and Chase's head was bleeding. He somehow cracked his head, thank goodness no hospital or stitches were needed. I still really do not have the true story of what happened.

Dinner was a disaster. Landon acted like he was two and ended up being punished.

Got home from running some errands and Chase brought out his almost brand new comforter and pillow and there was GUM all freakin over it. I almost lost my cool. Besides my little nap today, all I've done is clean clean clean. Clean the kitchen, 2 loads of dishes, clean the bathroom, clean the living room, help clean up the kids rooms, 3 loads of laundry and so on and so on.

And now it's 8:54pm, kids are finally chillin watching some ridiculous cartoon on TV and begging for a snack.

I know it may not seem like much but remember this is DAY ONE, DAY FREAKIN ONE of summer break. My brain can only imagine all the nifty things that are going to happen this summer. I have a feeling not all my kids are gonna make it!!

7 WHOLE YEARS!

Can't believe we have been married 7 whole years!!! And I haven't killed him yet!! LOL

This picture was taken May 28, 2005 sometime around 6pm. I was 24, he was 19. Such a baby.......

Matt and I had a whirlwind romance. We met, we became friends, we fell in love and got married. The End.

I remember this day like it was yesterday. The weather in the morning was beautiful and it was somewhere around 70 degrees. We had a 4:30pm wedding planned outside. We took our time setting up all the tables, chairs, decorations and all that jazz. Then as I was getting ready, sometime around 3:45pm, the weather turned soooooo bad. The sky just opened up and the winds felt like a tornado. It was nuts and it all stopped around 4:15pm. So my soon to be husband and his groomsmen and my bridesmaids were outside QUICKLY redoing table covers and favors and chairs and all that fun stuff as I sat in my best friends bed room trying not to freak out. I do have this one picture that was taken of me about 4:25pm, I was not dressed, no make up and you could see how tear streaked my face was.

After the weather disaster, the sun came out, it was chilly, but still sunny. Our wedding went off without a hitch. I walked down to Elvis Presley  - Hawaiian Wedding Song (perfect for our "Hawaiian wedding").
We exchanged lei's (a Hawaiian tradition) and we said our vows. The pastor announced us husband and wife and we walked back down the aisle to some more Elvis, but for the life of me I cannot think of the song. It's going to eat me up until I can think of it. I'll have to do a little researching on this.

After we were married we had a little casual "reception". I hate to call it a reception because it was more like a backyard BBQ. Almost all the people we love and care for were there, we ate fried chicken, we played corn hole, listened to more Elvis and ate some wedding cake. We had a blast. It was casual and relaxing.

And now here we are 7 years later. Lots of things have happened in these 7 years....gave birth to 2 baby boys (11 months apart), had my Landon go through 2 different surgeries, bought a house,, lost a house, had two of the 3 kids start school (and do really well!!) I have had many job changes and many meltdowns. We have had our ups and downs, but here we are. We made it. We really made it.

We made it through some of the most horrible life changes, but we did and how you ask, how??? Through the power of our Lord Jesus Christ. The moment we gave our lives to the Lord, is the moment I knew we were going to be just fine no matter what the world throws at us. I believe 110% that as long as we live a Christ centered life, we will be ok. I know. I trust it. I trust in Him.

Just in a funk....again....but whatever, that's normal for me

This week has been quite a week. Ugh. Let me list the highlights for ya:

• Home from vacation let down. You know, returning the AWESOME rental car, back to driving my lovely Jeep, putting all stuff away, and just back to the grind.
• Got into a huge fight with my mother who repeatedly called me a "fucking bitch" over and over and of course I have the voice mails to prove it.
• Got into a fight with my sister, and we have not talked about it yet. She is avoiding me, I am avoiding her.
• Tuesday was the 2 year anniversary of my dad's death. Nuff said.
• Thursday was the 11th year anniversary of my grandpa's death. And it feel like yesterday. I thought it was supposed to get easier over time.
• Also Thursday my grandma, who is my rock, fell and broke her leg. She is in the hospital and in alot of pain. I HATE seeing her there. It kills me. It hurts so much.
• Let's not forget fighting with one of my best friends.

So this week I have become a hermit. I have slept so many hours this week. I lost count. I am trying really hard to put a brave face on and go about my day but inside my heart hurts. It feels like it's crumbling.

I know the only way that I have gotten through this week is God. I have been praying and praying and praying. I know that I am still here because of him. He as given me the strength for the week, for the day, each day.

But I am still allowed to feel sad, angry, and hurt. Just because I feel this way doesn't mean anything. It means that I have God on my side getting me through this. And he will.

I just feel the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I feel like I am constantly fighting for something. I am constantly on the go. I feel like I am suffocating.

Some of you may wonder why I am even telling you all this. Well, the answer is simple. I am not a private person. I am upfront with about almost everything. And I am cool with that. Now with that being said, if it involves other people, I tend not to open up about it because that person did not ask to be a part of my blog. So I do have boundaries. Enough about that, back to me having a "whoa is me" party.

I get like this sometimes. I become anti social, sad, depressed, then I sleep alot. Most likely the bipolar in me. One day I will snap out of it. Might be tomorrow, might be 2 weeks from now, but one day I will wake up and be just fine again....till next time.

Speaking of the bipolar, I am so over taking medications for it. I have been on so many things that I lost track. ALL of them have some side effect or another, like, hair falling out, teeth rotting, weight gain, weight loss and on and on. So I'm done taking meds. Now I rely on only one doctor to get me through the hard times. God. And it works for me. I am not saying everyone should just stop taking prescribed meds and let God handle it, but for me it works. I have medication free for almost two years. In these two years I have had my ups and downs but I have always gotten through them. And I will get through this one with alot of prayer and a great support system.

**Pause**
Just realized that I am so ADD when it comes to my writing. I went back and re-read what I wrote and it just jumps from subject to subject. I just write what pops in my head at any given time. For the average person, just by reading this post, they would think I'm nuts. But this is my blog and I will write all crazy -like if I want too..HAHAHAHA.

**Continue**

I love ranting. Gives my brain a chance to unload and get all this stuff out of my brain. And I love this blog. I love writing. I love that it's mine and I can pretty much write whatever I want.  When I first started this blog it was supposed to me a mommy blog, you know, write about my kids, record everything worth anything that happened in their life. Like an online scrapbook of sorts, but now it's become a place to write about anything. A couple of days ago I went back and re-read ALL of my blog posts. Truly made me laugh because I am all over the board. You cannot classify this blog as anything. It's a place where my mind goes to throw up. And I love it. I would not change a thing. Well, now it's time for me to go and get all the kiddos off to bed. They need a break from fighting (and so do I)!!!

Vacation 2012

Wow...vacation was so amazing this year. I would cloud up this post with a ton of pictures but most of you follow me on Facebook and can find them all there.

So let's start at the VERY beginning

Friday 8:00pm - kick off vacation at TGI Fridays!!! woop woop!!!

Friday 10:30pm - On the road!!!! During these long, long hours we drove and drove and stopped to pee and stopped to pee again and again (that's what ya get when you travel with 4 adults and 5 kids). I got to see the sunrise in Charlotte and of course we made the obligatory stop at Cracker Barrel for breakfast about an hour from Charlotte. So we drive and drive some more and finally pull in the resort at 5:30pm on Saturday. Ugh. Long drive, talkative kids, ugh. Our resort was so awesome. It was a 3 bedroom condo which basically a two bedroom condo and a one bedroom condo with a connecting door. That meant we had two kitchens, two washers, two dryers, three bathroom and all that jazz. So on with the day, we ordered pizza, unpacked and drank wine then fell asleep. The End.

Sunday  - Emma and I drove to Tampa to see my brother and his family. First he took us to his store where he is the manager, Fit2Run, a running store. Since I recently started running, he thought it would be good to evaluate me. First he put me on this machine thing that analyzed my feet. Basically checked my arches and where I hold my weight. (apparently I have high arches and carry my weight in my heels), next he measured my feet. That was a big surprise because for years I have been wearing a size 11 but actually my feet are a size 10 wide width. Next he had me jump on a treadmill and walk fast while they video taped me!! Then he played in back in slow mo explaining to me how I run/walk and what kind of shoes that I needed. Long story short I walked out with awesome shoes, running socks and amazing support arches.

So after all this Emma and I went to lunch with my sister in law and her family. It was so much fun to get to spend time with my niece and nephew.

Sunday night we ate dinner in and just chilled at the hotel.

Monday - MAGIC KINGDOM!!!!! Nuff said...it was awesome and I acted like a 5 year old running around like crazy while also spraining my ankle. Oh and then after Disney we came home, showered, put kids to bed and then the power went out!!! So we did the next best thing, grabbed a bottle of vodka from the freezer and had a nice little party.

Tuesday - My brother, sister in law and the kids came in from Tampa. We spent the day at the hotel water park then went out for Mexican food. My niece and nephew got to spend the night with us and it was a little crazy.

Wednesday - Flea market day!!! Got lots of Disney stuff pretty cheap. For dinner we hit up Downtown Disney and ate the TRex Cafe. It was LOUD but also very cool. After we walked around Downtown Disney and bought up as much stuff as we could. LOL

Thursday - COCOA BEACH DAY!!! I love the beach, however the sun does not like me. We were only out for about 4 hours and I ended up fried and my kids were fried but only in spots. We stopped at a local diner and had dinner on the deck where we saw dolphins from our table. Totally AWESOME!!

Friday - SEA WORLD!! See Shamu was definitely the high light of the trip for me. I loved introducing the kids to Shamu and the dolphin show.

Saturday - Time to go home. We drove to Charlotte, NC and spent the night. We ate at Nana's Soul Food for dinner and it was the most amazing dinner. I even got a gallon of sweet tea for the drive home.

Sunday - Drove the last 9 hours home, unloaded the car and headed to Outback for my Mother's Day dinner which was totally yummy.

So there you have it, a very quick summary of our trip. It was the best and I got to make some great memories with my kids.

Welcome to my life. This weekend has been so craptastic. It's been so bad that I seriously cannot put into words.

I am just so over certain things in my life but those things are constantly being put right in my face.

I know it sounds like I'm just being a whiny baby, but whatever, I just don't care anymore. I got problems, you got problems and you know what....I am just sick and tired of it all. I am sick and tired of just putting them in the back of my mind and I'll deal with them later. I am sick of not sticking up for myself regardless of who or what has hurt me.

I am just so over it. I demand respect. I demand to be treated like a human being. I will stop being the girl who every one dumps on ALL THE TIME.

These people will be out of my life faster then I can type this sentence.

I am sorry I am unable to please everyone all the flippin time. It just ain't gonna happen. Nope. And I'm going to be selfish for once in my life and I am going to try and make me happy. You don't like it? Well then quit reading my blog. For real. I have been hurt enough in this past weekend to last me a year. Seriously, it was like 6 different things this weekend. I'm done.

So stinking tired of being a walking dormat for everyone. So tired.

Oh, and my kids will come first. They will always come first. So I am sorry I did not invite you to my daughter's birthday party (because I invite you every year and you never come so this year I saved a stamp) and you call me a "bitch". Nice, real classy. Real freakin classy. And please, please continue to talk nasty about me to other friends and family cause one day it's gonna bite you back. Karma's a bitch....oh wait, apparently so am I. How sweet!!!

I know I am not perfect and I have NEVER pretended to be. I have problems and issues just like everyone else. One thing different about me is I lack the ability to keep quiet about them. In the past 10 years or so I have been an open book. That makes some people very uncomfortable. But whatever, that's me. I spent so much my 31 years here on earth hiding so much and years ago I decided not to. So yeah, I post way to much stuff on Facebook, I blog about private things. But for me this is who I am. If I am dealing with something I'm going to talk about it. And 99% of the time there is someone out there that has some really damn good advice. And had I not spoken about my issue, I may not of received that awesome advice.

And just to add, most of the time I do not give names of friends or family whom I have issues with. My intent is for me to openly deal with the issues, not to start new ones. As you can see from my last 100 or so post I rarely speak about someone directly (haha..ok, twice I did, once about my ex brother in law and once about my ex husband)/ Out of 100 posts I spoke about TWO people directly. So whatever. And yes, I know that was so 1990.

Ugh!! I am so fed up right now. I want certain people in my life to back off and take care of their own crap and leave me and my kids alone.

I wish I could go more into detail about what's going on but I don't do that. Because it's wrong to publicly state someone else's wrong doings.....hint hint.

So today I am praying for peace. I need peace to wash over my body. I need to focus on the good things in my life and know that life is going to go on. I need peace to wash over me for all the relationships that were broken this weekend. I need peace to have this sick feeling washed out of me. Me and my kids ARE going to come out on top.

Something New....

I think it's time to talk about something new around here.

I know.....let's talk about how I started running. No, that is not a typo. I seriously started running.

I have not ran since sometime in 2001, for reals. And back then when I did run it was mandatory because of the Army and I still ran REALLY bad. Like 2 miles in 17 minutes. That was my best run ever. And considering the max time I had is 17:58, it was still bad.

This time my running is not mandatory, well, kinda. Anyone who knows me in real life knows that in high school I was tall and thin. I stayed that way pretty much until I got pregnant in 2001 with Emma. I took the whole eating for 2 waaaaaaaaayyyyyy to far. So I gained approx 130 lbs while pregnant. Yes, seriously. I remember I had a Mother / Daughter banquet 18 days after she was born and I had nothing to wear so I had to go buy new pants and they were a size 22. A freakin size 22.  That was so not cool.

So to make a long story really short, I worked on weight loss for a long time but it was hard BUT as I was going through my divorce in early 2004 I lost pretty much the rest of it. And it felt good and I looked good.

In 2005 I got married and got pregnant again. I gained a little weight but I was cool with it. I still looked pretty good. So I gave birth to Landon and right away I started Weight Watchers. I did really good and got back to the weight I was when I married (for the second time).

Well, then I got pregnant again when Landon was 9 weeks old and it was reliving my Emma pregnancy over again. I was addicted to a triple layer homemade chocolate cake from a local diner here. One huge piece EVERY night for at least 6 months. I bet you can guess where this is going.

So I gave birth to Chase and my weight was not too bad. I had about 40lbs to lose but really not that bad.  So instead of losing the baby weight I gained almost 50 more lbs!!! Chase is now 5 1/2 and I weigh 50 lbs more now then the day I delivered him.

Soooooo, it's time to make a change. I need to get healthy. I need to lose weight. I need to be able to ride a bike more then 4 houses down. I need to be able to make in around the rink at least once on roller skates. I need to show my kids a healthy life style.

Now is the time. I started the Couch to 5K program almost a week and a half ago. I have ran more in 4 short runs then I have ran in over 10 years. I am watching what I eat and counting calories. I am doing awesome. I am not really doing a "diet" but just watching what I eat and not going over the set amount of calories. I make sure that I get some sort of workout in every day.

I'm also doing this smart. I am setting realistic calorie and weight loss goals for myself. I am doing this slow so I can keep off the weight.

My ultimate goal is to lose 100 lbs. So far (one week weigh in), I lost 9 lbs. I am only 31 lbs away from my first goal and I still have over 7 months to get there!!!

I am just so excited to get to the point of running an actual 5K. Who knows, maybe after that I will do the 5K to 10K program.

Wish me luck and say lots of prayers!!!

And Life Goes On........

Life has been extremely crazy since my mom and step dad were arrested. Here is a summary of events:

Got a job.

Quit said job.

Got new job.

Sister and her 2 kids moved in. Making our house have 2 five year olds, a 6 year old, a 7 year old, a 8 year old and a 9 year old. Plus me, Matt and my sister.

Rearranged alot to make her kids a "bedroom". Which consisted of moving things, cleaning, and begging and buying 3 mattresses, 3 box springs, and frames.

Did I mention 6 kids live here now??? Did I mention they were all on spring break this week?? Did I mention how crazy things are???

Don't get me wrong, I truly love have my sister and the kids here. I think they are better off here. I think my sister can make it through all this with my family's help. I think she is a strong women who had some bad breaks. I think she needs someone to quide her and to push her.

Truth be told, I am scared to do that. Last time I tried we didn't speak for such a long time and just put a HUGE rift in our relationship.

I just want her and the kids to be happy and healthy (mentally and physically). And I am trying to set a good example for her.

My life up until about 2 years ago was difficult. I had alot of issues from the past that I needed to deal with. I need guidance and direction. I needed someone to hold me accountable. I needed someone to be there for me, to listen, to cry to, to scream at, to vent.

**sidebar** I remember the one Sunday, my morning was everything so wrong. The kids were crazy and bad, I was a hot mess with anger and stress. I actually took my boys to church covered in marker with no shoes. I dropped them off in their classes without signing them in. I was walking to the lobby and I saw Debbie, she asked me how I was doing and I COMPLETELY lost it. I mean I was pretty much hysterical. Crying, sobbing, snot, barely understood what I was saying. But Debbie sat there, listened. She didn't feel sorry for me. She walked me through my melt down. And then she prayed for me. Right there, out loud. I don't think anyone has actualy prayed for me right in front of me before. At first it felt weird. God has so many other people who need prayers more then me, but she prayed for me, just me. I remember after we said Amen, this sense of peace came over me. And I just knew I was going to be ok. I knew it. It's funny how people don't realize the impact you have on their lives. Debbie is like an angel here on earth. I know she was put here to minister to women, all kinds of women.

Through my church I have found all this. And all it took was one woman to take the time to talk to me. Well, two women actually. They took the time and guided me to a path that I have never been on. They gave me advice when I needed it (and sometimes when I didn't ask). They have been there through all the good, the bad and the ugly.

I was completely lost. They helped me find my shining light. They helped me find my footing.

After I was saved, I signed up for a Transformation / mentor program at church. It was a program geared to help "new" christians well, um, transform their lives. I met with my mentor once a week. I was able to talk to Karen about ANYTHING. I asked her some many questions about religon, the bible, Jesus and God. I asked some of the dumbest questions but never once did I ever feel dumb for asking. She just sat there and answered them. I was able to learn about God's word and his plans for me through Karen. After some time I was able to trust and believe her. (I have a hard time trusting) She was there to benefit me, she was there becuase she wanted to, not because she had to. It was then when I truly felt like someone loved me unconditionly.

Whew..that was a mouth full. But back to my point. My point is, I want someone to do that for my sister. I want her to see her full potential. I want someone to believe in her. I want her to know that she is loved regardless of anything she has done or been. I want her to the know the everlasting love of God the way I do. I want it so badly.

In closing (cause it sounds all offical) pray for us, all of us. Pray for my sister. Pray for my nieces and nephew. Pray for their father. Pray for all of us.