So lately I have been having nightmares at all hours of the day about my dad dying. Within the past week the nightmares have also been about my grandfather.
I am not quite sure what this is all about. It's happening all time and it all sorts of places. My mind just kind of wanders. It makes me incredibly uncomfortable and incredibly sad. And it happens all the time. Maybe knowing that my grandma is going to pass soon has brought this on. I have no idea.
I relive details of the deaths. The days leading up to the deaths. The days after the deaths.
And I'll tell you this.....I don't like it. Not one bit.
With my dad I am just playing it out moment by moment. I see faces. I hear conversations. I smell the flowers they had at his funeral. I can see it as clear as yesterday.
With my grandpa I see different things. I see my family (extended). I hear us laughing. I hear us bonding. I hear more laughing. Honestly it was one of the best weekends I can ever remember. We made alot of great memories all hanging out together. Everyone is always so busy, it was nice to stop time and just be a family. We let all the bickering and pettiness go and just hung out, remembering my grandpa.
I remember exactly what I wore to the funeral and how stupid it looked. I wish I could change my outfit.
These memories have been haunting me. I use the term "haunt" because I don't want to keep reliving all this. I don't want to feel sad anymore. I feel like such a little kid typing that. "I want what I want and I want it now." I know I don't have control over this. I need to let it ride out. But first I need to know why this is happening.
My dad was not the greatest father. Well, he really wasn't a father at all. However, he is one part of two people who gave me life. I can honestly say that I do love him. I just wish I would of been able to know him better. A few years before he died, he confessed a lot of things to me. That talk really helped me deal with alot of emotions from the past. It helped me move on. It really helped cope after he died. That was the last time I saw him alive. I wish I could of known my "sober" dad.
My grandpa was hands down the best grandpa any child could ask for. I try and keep his memory alive by telling my kids stories. It usually backfires. My kids never met him, so they really don't know who I am talking about. They seem uninterested. It hurts my feelings. But guess what.....I am going to keep telling these stories. My kids WILL know who my grandpa was and all the greatness about him.
I am hoping by writing this post, these visions and smells and pain will subside. I love both of these men but I don't want to feel sad anymore.
The very last picture I will ever have of my dad and I.
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