Friday, December 18, 2009

another Debbie Downer post...... (last one for awhile, I promise)

I had a meeting with my pastor a few weeks ago about some of the issues I have been having lately and it really helped.She opened my eyes to thoughts I didn't even know I had.I've also come to realize a few things on my own.I think one reason why I cannot choose not to forgive my mom and dad for all the physical, emotional and sexual abuse is because once I do forgive them, and then I will have nothing. I will have no emotional connection to these people. I will be blank and empty. I think I am holding on to the anger and hurt as a way to still be connected with them. I will do this but I am just not ready.

Lately a few people in my life have told me to “get over it”, “move on”, “not that big of a deal, it happened so long ago”. Those are words that I truly hate to hear. I hate them. I would never tell the women and children that I work with to “get over it”. Physical, emotional and sexual abuse is something you just don’t “get over”. It is a healing process and everyday is a learning experience for me. Since working at the Battered Women’s Shelter it has brought out new feelings and heartache for me. It has made me face some hurts and fears that I have pushed so deep down inside. Everyday it seems like new things are surfacing. Some days it hurts so bad to think about my past. Some days I feel like I HATE my mom and dad. I feel like I hate the rest of my family for not helping me and my siblings. I hate Children Services for never doing anything every time I called. And some days I am ok. Some days I can be normal and I can have normal conversations with my mom and family.

My family and friends and even my siblings do not understand what I went through. My siblings went through there own ordeals and have dealt with them. I was the oldest, I got everything the worst. I got in trouble for my brother and sister getting in trouble. I got in trouble for the house not being clean, laundry not being done, my sister and brother fighting, me fighting with them. Everything. And it still affects me to this day.

I have to be aware everyday of how I parent. I have to be sure and not blame Emma for something that Landon or Chase did. I have to make sure and punish the boys on somewhat a same level as Emma. I never want Emma to come to me accusing me of treating her worse then her siblings. This is a daily thing for me. I have to try and refrain from having Emma do “everything” for me. “Emma, go get your brothers jammies, Emma get them a drink, Emma, get them a snack, Emma turn the bathroom light on for Chase, Emma, turn my light off, Emma, shut my door” I could go on and on. I need to daily put my self in check.

The sexual abuse still haunts me to this day. For those of you who don’t want to read this, I am now going to be talking about my sex life, so you may want to stop reading.
I am dealing with the effects from the sexual abuse EVERY DAY.
It happened when I was 11-12 with my mom’s boyfriend at the time. I am not going into details but I still remember everything.
Pastor Brenda pointed out a few things about this that I would like to share. I spent my entire like searching for affection and acceptation. I had sex at the age of 12 with an 18 year old boy because I was looking for affection. I spent the next 8 years sleeping with any boy who looked at me. Never really finding the satisfaction that I was looking for. I was a constant cheater. If I had a boyfriend for an extended amount of time, you can probably bet that I cheated on him, you know, before he cheats on me, because I was sure that’s what was going to happen. So I was going to hurt him before he could hurt me. Then the guy would find out and dump me, leaving me crushed and waiting for the next boy to put me back together. When I was 18 I found Tim. He was a great guy. We hit it off, moved into together and decided to get married. As soon as we got married, the sex stopped. Turns out it’s very typical with sexual abuse victims, that once they do find them selves in a committed relationship, they tend to pull back. The chase is over. There is nothing left to go after. And I know this played a huge part in my divorce from him. I am not saying it was 100% my fault but this definitely played a part.
After my divorce I continued my sleeping around because that’s what I am good at.
I found another man, Matt. He is the most amazing person I have ever met. He treats me very well, he is the best dad any kid could ask for but yet I don’t want him to touch me. I don’t want hugs, kisses, butt taps, boob brushes, sex, nothing. I literally cringe when I have to kiss him good bye in the morning sometimes.

And because of Pastor Brenda, I realize this. I have sat Matt down and talked to him about it. I told him my true and raw feelings. And now I am in a healing process so I can once again be intimate with my husband.

So I guess this whole post was about, if you know me, don’t tell me to “get over it” unless you have walked a day in my shoes. I am truly happy for those of you who can overcome issues in good time. I wish I could be like you. I have so much emotional baggage that it takes me a little longer. I am on the road but it looks like a long twisty road. I will make it but it takes time.

I am going to go through a program at church called “Freedom through Christ”. The title pretty much describes it all. After the holidays I am going to make my appt. I didn’t think it was fair to my husband and kids if I take on a big emotional task right now.

I am going to make it through all of this. I know I am. I have the love of God, my husband, my children and the few people around me who have always been there. And that’s all I need.


Mad Woman said...

Oh hun, I could have written large parts of this post...and at the same time I just a huge AHA! moment (as Oprah would say). I was raped when I was 17. By an ex boyfriend. It's not even in the same REALM as what you have been through, but the lingering feelings and repercussions are much the same. I have been told over and over again to "just get over it" and I hate it. I would never dream of saying that to someone.

After my rape, I spent a lot of years sleeping with any man who looked my way. I'm still not sure what I was trying to achieve. Then I met my husband. Mega sex til we got married and pretty much ground to a halt. The poor man...4 or 5 times a year for the last 7 years.

My AHA! moment? What you said about abuse victims pulling back once they've found a committed relationship. I've just realised how true that is and how pertinent that is to my own relationship. I'm still pulling back.

So thank you. For opening your heart, for having the courage to talk about this, and for my AHA! moment.

And by the way? Those people who tell you to get over it? They can SUCK IT!

Liz (Loving Mom 2 Boys) said...

Thank you so much for sharing this - you are much braver than I am. I have had my own past, my own demons, and I pretend that they don't affect me anymore. My life from 18 - until I got married reads so much like yours - my poor husband has no idea why I am so cold to him physically - its like sex is not intimate to me but just something that I did...

anyway...again thank you for sharing your story...You are an amazing woman and a wonderful Mom!!