Inner Demons

Ever since I have started this blog I decided that it is an open book. I have always been this way. You want to know something, just ask. Most people can tell how I am doing just by looking at me. I tend to wear my emotions on my face. it's just the way I am.

There are not many subjects I don't disclose on here. I won't talk about my ex husband and there is another part of my life I will not talk about. It's not for public eyes.

Most of you know that when I am going through something I publicly take it on. I announce it out loud. Part of me thinks it helps to hold myself accountable knowing that people actually know what I am going through.

So here it is.....

Let me start from somewhere in the beginning.

I like to drink alcohol. Lots of it. A ton of it. When I start I don't like to stop. A few years ago I saw this become a problem. I told the ladies in my bible study one night. That night I quit drinking. I did so so good. I even got to the point where I was able to become a social drinker. Just have one or two with some friends or hubby and call it a night. It was going so well.

Well, then my grandma passed away this past January. That's when this all started.

I have been going down the rabbit hole since then. Just deeper and deeper. When it seems I finally have my head above water I start drowning again. I can't seem to stay afloat right now.

I have been going through this major circle. Basically here it is:

I get depressed.
Either I eat or drink.
I feel more depressed. Worthless. Ashamed. I let everyone around me down. I keep failing.
Gets more depressed.
Binge eat and / or dink.
Blah blah blah......I'm pretty sure you get the circle now.

So now I basically eat and drink all the time. And I want it. I want it so bad. Sometimes I can taste liquor in my mouth. Even writing this my mouth is beginning to water.

Any who......I hit a wall Friday night. A big wall. I have NEVER had a problem walking in the grocery store past the liquor / beer section. Never. Until this past Friday. I saw this really pretty bottle of wine and I was like a pregnant lady having craving. I HAD TO HAVE IT. No joke. I tried walking away. I would turn the cart around to go get it, half way through I would turn back away. I did this a good three times. Then I caved. I got it. I was smiling ear to ear. I paid for my stuff went home and had the whole bottle gone in about 45 minutes. Yeah. That's a problem. Seriously. Do I need a babysitter at the grocery store now????? I failed again.

So most of the day Saturday I spent very angry with my self. I was mad, boiling mad a lot of the day. Since we spent most of our day with friends, I had to put a smile on my face and act like nothing is wrong. Honestly I have been doing it so much lately it kind of feels like the normal thing to do.

Don't  even get me started on Sunday. Sunday started off normal as can be. Got up, got ready for church and went there. Well Pastor Jacob's messages really just struck a cord with me. Got me all down (even more then I was). It crushes me that I keep failing God. I just keep doing it. Knowing all to well that I am doing it. UGH!!!!

It's not fair. Why can't I just be normal and drink like a normal person!!!!!!!! It makes me so mad that my husband can sit down a drink A beer every now and then and I CAN'T!!! Why!!!

I, again, let everyone down. Again. As I keep doing over and over and over. The shame and guilt eat me alive. I stay up at night with my mind racing. Coming up with plans. Coming up with options. Reasoning with my self. Setting limits. Etc.

I'm also mad because this means I can't even hang out with some friends. If I go over there and they are all drinking (just casual), I don't want them to feel uncomfortable. Also, I don't want to get bombarded 500 times of why I'm not having a drink. It's just not fun for anyone. So yeah, that makes me mad. Cause I like my friends. I'm actually jealous of them that they can control them selves. They can have a casual drink unlike me I will binge drink. Blah.

I don't want to be an addict. I hate that word. I don't want to be one of them. People treat addicts differently. People judge addicts and damn I'm already judged enough every day for crap. I just won't be able to handle it. I don't want people to see me different. I don't want my husband or kids to look at me different.  It's not fair for other people to have to change the way they do things or act because Kelly likes her hooch.  Seriously. When I go out with friends or hubby and they want to order a drink I don't want them NOT to order because of me. That's not fair.

So there it is guys. It's out there. For the whole world to see. You might think it's crazy for me to tell everyone all this personal stuff but it works for me. It really does. I need to face this thing head on. I don't want to keep hiding. Hiding sucks. Yup. Sucks.

I have a problem with alcohol. I need help. The End.

Ummm, I'm still here...maybe......I don't know......send coffee please

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.....it's been like for ever since my last post. I'm sorry. Life kind of got in the way.

So now I will proceed to bombard you with all the major happenings since mid-April. #sorrynotsorry

My kids finished school. They all had fantastic report cards.

Chase is moving up to 3rd grade!

Landon is moving up to 4th grade!

Emma is moving up to 8th grade!

Speaking of Emma...how in the world is this her last year of middle school?? I'm so confused. Just like yesterday she was in 1st grade. And this time next year I'll be writing about her going to HIGH SCHOOL!!

In other Emma news... SHE MADE THE 8TH GRADE CHEER SQUAD!!! My poor kid was so so so sick the weekend before. Like I have never seen her that sick in her whole life. In order to try out for the team she had to be at school. We left the decision up to her. I was not going to make her one way or the other. That girl sucked it up and went to school like a boss. Then after-school  3 of the days she did the cheer try outs. AND MADE THE TEAM!! So incredibly proud of her!

Last bit of Emma news - SHE IS OFFICIALLY A TEENAGER!!! Eeeeekkkkk. #sendhelp #imscared

Emma after her 3rd ear piercing!

Landon had the most bestest school of year yet. He had an awesome teacher who knew how to get through to him. We virtually had no school issues this year and his grades were very good. He is still in counseling and all that jazz and I think it's starting to pay off. Although with school being out and him finding new routines has been quite a little challenge for us all.

Sometimes I wish Landon would use his powers for good instead of evil........ #kiddingnotkidding
I wish Landon could see all his potential like we do. He is such an amazing kid. Sometimes when he gets in trouble I will find him in his room crying. When I ask what's wrong he says things like "I just don't understand why I can't be good", "I can't stop making bad decisions", etc. Breaks my heart.  So we are just going to keep praying for our baby and continue his counseling (with the best counselor ever!)

Any who - enough about the stuff we are struggling with  - this is supposed to be a happy post!

Landon decided he wanted to paint Daddy's toes green (his most favorite color)!

Last but not least we have our baby, Chase. Well, I guess he isn't so much of a baby anymore. Boo. 

Chase had a terrific year with his class and teacher. She kept us well informed of any issues and his progress. See, Chase takes after his dad in the reading department. He hates it. He despises it. Sometimes he just flat out refuses! So to help solve this issue he reads WITH his dad. 

Not too much going on in the Chase department. He still plays basketball any chance he gets. 

He is also a hoarder in training. This kid has so much stuff or all kinds of stuff. Boxes and bags filled with all kinds of crazy stuff. 

Chase and I being our normal crazy selves.....

In May we got to celebrate the wedding of a dear friend of mine. I have watched this woman grow by leaps and bounds. She is such a amazing person and I am so glad to be her friend. 

Pre Wedding Selfie

Me and the oh so beautiful bride!

And there you go folks. A little update into our lives. Next up  - #WolfeFamilyVacation2015 (Alabama Edition)

Woohoo!!

Remember When.......

This is one is not for the faint of heart.....or blood. Don't worry, I don't have any pictures that documented this joyous occasion.

Time: Spring/ Summer of 2010. Landon would of been about 4 1/2 and Chase about 3 1/2.

Location: Our house, outside, front yard / drive way

Persons Involved: Landon, Chase, Matthew and his buddy James.

Scene: Matt and James are working on James car and boys are playing. I am in the house watching TV cleaning. Yeah, cleaning. That sounds better.

Story Name: Remember when Landon hit Chase in the back of the head with a hammer.
(yeah, long title...I'm working on that)

So the title kind of says it all. While Matt and James were working on the car, the boys were playing. All of a sudden I hear straight up, no joke, legit, death screams. I shot out of bed and ran to the front where Matt had Chase in his arms like a little baby. And the blood. Oh MY GOSH. The blood. Everywhere.

Matt's just screaming that Landon hit Chase with the hammer in the head and I should call 911. So that's what I did. I called 911 and told them my son hit my other son with a hammer then totally hung up.

By this time Matthew has Chase in the bathroom trying to figure out how bad it is. And the blood. Again. Everywhere. So much blood.

Within minutes 4 cruisers and an ambulance show up. Apparently I didn't tell them my sons were so little. They thought it was grown men hitting each other. Oops.

Anywho, the EMT's came in and were able to asses Chase's poor little head. And we were able to talk to Landon to find out just what happened. Turns out they were just playing with daddy's tools. And Landon accidentally hit Chase in the back of the head with the claw part of the hammer.

**I have never seen Landon so upset over anything in his life. He was terrified the police were going to take him away. He was scared of all the blood. He was just whimpering and shaking the whole time. We did have the police talk to him so he knew he wasn't going to jail. Poor kid. Shook him up so bad. **

So all that was taking place while the EMT's checked out Chase whose head was slowly stopping bleeding. Turns out he had about a quarter inch gash. Nothing that needed stitches or any type of more medical attention. Even the EMT's said so.

We cleaned up ALL THE BLOOD and continued on about our day. Still a day I will never forget. Ever.

Oh, and I'm pretty sure I heard James tell Matt he was never having kids. Ever.

Remember When.......

It's time for another round of "Remember When". And today is an awesome one. For reals.......

My junior and senior year of high school I attended a vocational Culinary Arts program at a nearby high school (transportation was a pain in the rear...ugh). I was in love with the program. I learned so many things about cooking, managing a kitchen, managing front of the house. I could go on and on with everything that I learned.

Anywho, in the spring of my junior year we (a couple of us students) were making cupcakes or muffins or something like that. Something that required toothpick testing to see if it was done.

So I had toothpick in my mouth and it started to break apart (you know, from being in my mouth so long) so I tossed it. I took a drink of water after that and then all hell broke loose.

A PIECE OF TOOTHPICK LODGED IN MY THROAT!!!

Yes, I am totally for real. It hurt super bad. My teachers kinda flipped out. 911 was called. I was taken from high school in an ambulance to the hospital.

**If you know anything about high school you will know that THIS was the most embarrassing part of the whole ordeal. Taken from high school in an ambulance, no joke y'all**

So we get to the hospital and the really hot General Hospitalish doctor decides he is going to put a scope in my throat while I am wide awake to see if he can get it out. Umm, yeah. NO. I ended up throwing up from my gag reflexes. And of course the toothpick piece was still there.

They ended up putting me to sleep and removing it that way. But wait, there's more.

I didn't realize this till the next day but I was still gagging and ready to puke at a moments notice. So my grandma took me back to the hospital to get me checked out. Turns out they actual cut my uvula (the little hangy ball in the back of your throat) and it was hanging down in the throat causing my gag reflexes to go crazy. So they cut it. EWE!!!

I still have most of my uvula and no I am not going to show you.

So yeah. That was probably one of my most embarrassing moments ever.

Practically Grown Up...........

"I've been afraid of changing

'Cause I, I've built my life around you

But time makes you bolder

Children get older

I'm getting older too oh yes

I'm getting older too"

Fleetwood Mac - Landslide Lyrics 

We hit a new mile stone this past weekend in our house. 

**** My daughter went on her first date!!"****

And I use the term "date" very loosely. It was more like we picked up her friend (we is ALL of us, the whole family, even her two little brats, um, I mean brothers), we went to a restaurant where we all sat together and ended the evening walking around Target. 

Good times. 

We did take some heat for this. Many were very opinionated about my daughter and "boyfriend". Very. 

Oh well. That's all I can say about this. Oh well. 

Emma is such a sweet girl. She is so mature beyond her years. Sometimes to the point she has been called immature. Let me explain. People have actually told me that Emma probably has not hit her teenage years yet. That she is not acting like a typical teenager. And then these people describe in detail all the crappy things their teenager does.  Maybe Emma hasn't hit that phase yet, maybe she never will. I know plenty of amazing teens who never acted like an idiot during those years.

Emma is such a huge blessing to us. She is super smart, in advanced classes. She reads like no one you'll ever meet. She helps out around the house every single day. Never complains. even when I give her crap jobs or too many jobs. She watches her brothers almost everyday with no pay. She doesn't complain. She is not picky about fashion. She is seriously happy she just has clothes to wear. She doesn't care at all where her clothes come from. Speaking of clothes, she dresses very nicely. She does not show things a 13 year old girl is supposed to show. She rarely gives me attitude. She doesn't fight with me. She is so respectful it makes me wonder how I got that lucky. She is just a good girl. The only complaint I have about my daughter is that her room is typically a mess. And that's according to my standards so I really have no idea if it really is a mess or not. Oh, and sometimes I catch her sneaking candy or cans of pop. 

On the rare occasion she does get in trouble it's never that bad and her typical punishment is us taking away her books and her Kindle. Yes, we take away her reading material. 

(side note - one time Emma was out of books to read so she started reading the Bible. She started at page 1 and kept going. When she got to the New Testament she told me she was glad because the Old Testament was boring. hahahahaha - do ya see what I mean, she is pretty much awesome)

One of the biggest factors in our decision to let her go on a "date" with him is the fact she talks to us. She comes to me all the time to talk about pretty much everything. She is very honest when I ask her questions and vice versa. She feels comfortable enough with me to talk to me about anything. 

Emma is wise beyond her years. Right now she is the opposite of a snotty teenager and I'm ok with that. I really am. 

If Emma was a known liar or a sneak or if she had bad grades or bad influences, this whole situation might have a different outcome. But given her character, we decided to go ahead with this. 

Emma makes good decisions. Emma has great friends. She gets awesome grades. She loves Jesus. So if she comes to me asking if her boyfriend can come to dinner with us, well, the answer is yes. 

One day I hope she reads this blog post to know exactly how I felt about her as a young teenager. And I am sending some serious prayers that I don't ever have to write about her being a snotty teenager in a few short years.

Little bit of Monday Randomness and some introductions.....

Since my last couple posts have been so heavy I am going to lighten it up a bit.

How about an introduction and some complete randomness? Sounds good to me!

My name is Kelly.

Yup. That's me. Well, not really. I used a cool app with a super cool filter. And I am not wearing my glasses, but darn it, I just really like this picture!

Middle name is Jean **Fun fact - my mother also has the same middle name!**

Me and the hubby. Can you believe in May (May 28th to be exact) we are celebrating our 10 year anniversary?? It's a little insane. Matthew is a great man who truly takes care of us. 

Birthday - August 2, 1980. And yes, you are correct, I did just celebrate my half birthday on February 2nd **Fun fact - February 2nd is my sister in laws birthday!! Always a reason to celebrate!**
Another fun fact - I turn 35 this year!! Time for my baseline mammogram!!!! Woohoo!!!**

My husband has been my rock over these past 10 years. He has seen me at so many lows and helped pull me up. He is constantly stepping up to help our family. I am truly amazed that God blessed me with him.

I was born in Akron, OH to my mom and dad **Fun fact, my mom is my mom and my dad is my dad**

I have one brother and one sister. They are twins. And their birthday is July 31, 1982. (You can probably guess that birthday were always fun because we usually had something combined on August 1st for all 3 of us, however, this is explains my desperate need to try and have my kids celebrate birthdays separately) My sister lives here in Ohio but my brother jumped shipped and moved to Florida many moons ago **Fun fact - My brother and sister really act nothing alike or even look alike too much anymore**

 I have 3 of the most beautiful and crazy kids you'll ever meet. No, for real. They are nuts. Just like their momma. **Fun fact - everyone says my daughter is a spitting image of me and I think that's totally awesome (as long as she doesn't act like me, I'm sort of an ass)

Emma (almost 13!)

Chase - 8

Landon - 9

The family!

And now for some randomness.........

*at night when I am trying to sleep I write so many blog posts in my head but by morning they are all gone. Or I have the concept but forgot all the witty things I was going to say.

*I am an avid crumb hater. Like seriously HATE crumbs. Ask my kids and husband. They will tell you I am CRUMB CRAZY! Sure, the sink can be full of dishes and the bathrooms can reek of little boy pee, but heaven forbid there is a single crumb anywhere in the house. I will lose it. Like lose it. No Joke.

*When I am going through something big like let's say addiction, troubles, spiritual warfare, pretty much anything, I need to say it out loud to someone, usually more than one person. Now this might seem nuts to you but hear me out. Once I speak my troubles to someone, it is out there. There is no taking it back. There is no more hiding the issue. I will be held accountable. As much as it hurts or angers me to tell people such personal things, I have to. I just do.
I'm not saying this is right or wrong and there are definitely repercussions to this. I have lost so many people in my life because of this. I have been told some harsh truths. And it hurts. But in the end by me speaking out loud and even writing about it lets me be held accountable. My friends will come up to me or text me to see how an issue is going.
Also, another reason I do this is because I don't feel like I need to be "hiding" anything. I am who I am. And if you can't deal with it, I'm sorry. I am not going to hide who I am to please someone else no more. Honesty has for sure taken over my life. Again, some people are scared of this. I literally scare people off. They can't handle it. It scares them. On the flip side, my honesty gives others permission to be honest too. And I love it. I love real people. I love the truth. I am scared of the truth but it is always necessary.

* I watch Gilmore Girls every single day. Yes. I am crazy GG groupie. I just can't get enough!!

#TEAMLOGAN

* I watch Roseanne almost as much as I watch GG. Probably 5 out of 7 days. I love the family dynamic. I love the interactions. I love how real the show is.

And that's it folks.......... Enjoy my blog. I am going to try really hard to start writing more.

Love you all!

Remember when......

I have decided to start a series about remembering the memories. I'll be posting stories of me, Matthew, the kids, world events....whatever strikes my fancy. I will be posting these whenever I remember a good story to tell.

Up first is a story about Landon. Landon and his potty seat. Landon is almost two and Chase is almost one in this story)

This is Landon and Landon's seat to his potty. This is Landon right after he put it over his head and ran over to me laughing. Of course I snapped a picture. Of course I laughed.

Then I told him it was time to take it off. He tried. Nope. I tugged. Nope.

See, what happened here is that the seat was just a little small for his head. If you tried to push it off the edges started scratching his face. (you can see in the picture it's smooth side down)

I did what any good mom would do. I sprayed him with some cooking spray. Nope. Didn't work.
I poured vegetable oil around his head. Nope. Didn't work.
I even took some butter out of the fridge and rubbed it over the edges. Nope. Didn't work.

At this point he started to freak out a little. Since it was during the day and during the week I called his doctor. They were like "uummmmm, yeah, we can't do anything, take him to the ER or call the fire department". So that's what we did. I took him to the ER.

I couldn't put a shirt on him so I decided to forget the pants too (it was summer). And based on that decision I decided to leave Chase in just a diaper too. I did put shoes on them. So that makes me an OK mom, right??

Anyways, back to the story. We get to the ER and walk in. The nurse at the counter doesn't look up at first. She just says "What does your ch........" obviously you can tell when she looks up. She doesn't even finish her sentence. She was just like "oh, ok, I see." and she tried very very hard not to laugh.

We didn't even have to do any paperwork or insurance or anything. They took us right back. (I'll throw in there too...it was a slow day at the ER).

So here we are walking through the hallways. 2 boys only in diapers and shoes. One with the potty seat on his head. People were definitely smiling. Some even laughing out loud.

So to make this really long, but shouldn't be, story short. It ended up we went into a room. Landon had no less then 5-6 doctors in there and probably the same amount of nurses. All of them trying to get it off with out having to cut it off. They talked. The tried so many things.

It was actually very amusing. These are doctors and nurses who take care of the sickest kids, the worst diseases and no one could figure out how to get a potty seat off my kids head.

About half an hour of trying all sorts of things, one of the doctors brought in some kind of "super lube". He poured the entire bottle over his head. Four doctors then very slowly slid it over his head. It was like watching surgery. The doctors all communicated very effectively what each was doing.

In the end I was very thankful these medical professionals treated me and my kid with so much respect and attention. It's not that I was scared medically that something was wrong. I was scared that my kids would be scared - and I didn't want Landon to go to college with a potty seat stuck on his head.

So there ya have it. The first post in the "Remember When" series.

Hope you all enjoyed my sons antics!!! And trust me, so much more to come. Much much more!!