Tuesday, April 29, 2014

yeah, yeah, it's been awhile.....forgive me

It's been quite a while since I have last posted. I have been so busy and so lazy all at the same time. Is that even possible? Yes, yes it is. Trust me.

Let's review a little bit.

Spring Break we took the kids to BA Sweeties. Apparently the largest candy store is the good ole USA. It was pretty awesome. We only spent like $60. Oops. After that we hit up a new waterpark in Sandusky, OH. Maui Sands. My official review is that if you can get a Groupon then go, if you have to pay full price go to Great Wolf Lodge or Kalahari.

 Easter was pretty awesome. We got to spend time with my grandma. That woman is a fighter. We were told on December 3rd that she only had 10-14 days to live. And here we are, April 29th and she is still with us. Her health is decreasing but she is still here and I am ok with that. It was such a blessing to be able to spend another Christmas, another New Years, another day with her.

And of course I can't forget about Landon. Oh Landon. That child is going to be the death of me. I swear. Matt and I are both having trouble dealing with it all. It's so hard for me to understand how his brain works. Sometimes I get so frustrated because I simply do not understand how something so simple for me is the end of the world for him. I am trying to be patient and understanding. Trying. Some days not succeeding. Some days are good. Some days I literally cry my eyes out because I think he is never going to be a well functioning adult. Some days this all seems impossible. We are pushing through though. I constantly pray for wisdom and guidance. ALWAYS.

I just wish I could understand how his brain works. I wish I could explain it to other people.

Yes. My kid was diagnosed late in his life (oh yeah, 8 years old is super late). It's a lot of trial and error. It's a lot of therapy. It's a lot of tears.

These past few months have just been incredibly hard for me. I have so much going on internally that I just cannot deal with it all. That is when I typically shut down.

I started a new bible study in March and it is totally kicking my butt. It is so emotionally rough. It has shaken me to the core. So many emotions are going through my body at any given time.

I have started to withdraw from people and things. Yes, I know that's not good. I am actively working on that. It will NOT control me. I am not going to let it. I do not want to fall down the rabbit hole.

Here's the thing. I have been there. I have fallen down the rabbit hole way too many times. I know where I end up. I know how lonely, sad, mad, angry, desperate, inadequate and all the other emotions. I know these all too well. It will NOT happen this time. I force myself to get up. I force my myself to eat dinner with the family. I force myself to talk to my friends. I force myself to leave the house.

So yeah, right now I am having a "whoa is me" moment. It will pass with prayer and time. I will not let this control me. Some days it does get the best of me, it wins the battle. But I will win the war.

So yeah, blah, blah, blah. I am depressed. Life goes on. I will survive.

I do want to end this post on a good note. Matt's brother took some spring pictures of the kids. They are the best pictures of my kids. Just the best. He did such a wonderful job. I seriously could not be happier with these pictures.