Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Time to get real...

Something has been weighing on my mind and my heart lately and I'm finally going to talk about it.

Waaaaaayyyy back in the day, like early spring of 2000, my soon to be husband and I were going to premarital counseling. We were talking about a whole slew of things and of course parenting came up. Actually discipline came up. I said to Pastor Brenda how nervous I was of how Tim would be with our kids if we ever have any. Pastor Brenda looked at me and told us that is was me she was worried about, not Tim. She said something to the effect that due to my upbringing she was afraid I would not punish my children in the best manner. I shrugged it off and went on my happy way and got married. Couple years later I had my Emma Elizabeth. Things were still good.

Then I got divorced, remarried and had two more children. This is when it all started. See, Emma was a REALLY good kid. I never had to do more then just get stern and tell her no. She was so easy to discipline, so easy. Then these two little boys came along and I finally figured out what Pastor Brenda meant and honestly is scares the living day lights out of me.

Ever since Emma was born I told myself I was not going to spank my kids. Like I said, Emma was easy, there was no threat of spankings or nothing. Then the boys came along. Oh those boys. They have pushed my limits most days, but I will still NOT spank my kids.

I bet your wondering why. Everyone who knows this about Matt and I wonder why and of course question us and of course have their own opinion.

I don't spank my kids because I am terrified I will not know when to stop. I am afraid to touch my children out of anger.

This is how I grew up. My siblings and I were beat again and again all the time. Sometimes we were hit with hands, sometimes belts, sometimes whatever the parents had handy. It was awful. So that's all I know.

One time I did let myself punish one of my boys and it went down so bad. I punished him out of anger and after wards I felt like the worst person on earth. I felt like I was my mother. I felt guilty. I felt wrong.

After all these years I finally get what Pastor Brenda was saying. I understand it. And now I have to do something about it.

I know that I have to get help to cope and deal with the issues I have as an adult trying to parent my own children.

I know I would never hurt my kids, never, BUT there is that chance I may flip just like my mom. I flip out verbally so it could happen. It could. And I am going to do everything in my power to make sure it doesn't. I have my husband here to help me with dealing with all of this.

I don't know why I am just now writing about this. This is something I have struggled with for a couple of years now and I am sick and tired of people telling me why I SHOULD spank my kids. And I don't think everyone needs to know why I don't. Yeah, that conversation would go great. I can see it now.

Everyone else: "So why don't you spank your kids?"


Me: "um, you know, I was spanked and beat as a kid so now I don;t want to spank cause I am afraid I'll beat the crap out of my kids too."


Everyone else: "oh"


See, do you see how that conversation would go. I would be labeled a child abuser without ever laying a hand on my kids. It would never be out of someones mind about what I might do.

But today, June 26, 2012, I just don't care. It's a real issue that I deal with on an everyday basis and I am done making up excuses why I don't spank my kids. I'm done. So here it is...are ya ready....listen up...

I DON'T SPANK MY KIDS BECAUSE I WAS SPANKED AND BEAT AS A KID AND I AM AFRAID IF I START I WILL BEAT THE LIVING CRAP OUT OF MY KIDS TOO


And that's that. There is the truth. And my husband and I are dealing with it. And by the grace of God, I will come out on top.

Monday, June 11, 2012

screaming and crying

Is there ever a time in your life where all you want to do is sit in bed and have a really good cry? A good cry over nothing and everything? That is me today.

I just feel like wrapping myself up in a blanket and just letting go.

On the other hand, I am trying to keep things in prospective. I keep trying to tell myself that my life is not bad. I have a good life. I have issues just like anyone else and there are alot of people much worse off then I am.

I am trying to go with the flow of life. I am praying more then I ever did before. I am trying to surround myself with good christian people. I am trying to do what the bible tells me to do.....but it's hard, damn hard.

I feel like I am never going to live up to what God asks of me. I get discouraged. I keep screwing things up. Ugh. BUT I will not give up. I will not give up the faith, hope and love.

I WILL keep praying, I will keep up with me studies, I will keep up with my devotionals and I will keep up with my godly friends.

And yet, I know there are going to be days where I will just want to get wrapped up in my blanket and cry it out, and I will.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Summer Break - Day 1

From time to time this summer break I will be blogging about the joys of my children. Don't worry I won't blog every day but just on days that I feel the NEED to write.

OK, so day ONE
Plumber wakes me up at 8:30 in the morning to fix my sink that hasn't worked since Friday night (today is Wednesday) when I just fell asleep at 3:30am!! UGH

Kids actually slept in till around 9 and that was about the only great part of today.

Even before 11:30am, the kids were already screaming and crying and fighting and hitting and driving me ape shit. Oh, and did I mention I was out of coffee today!!!! The one day to be out of coffee. And yes, I know that I have 3 gas stations within a one mile radius but that would mean putting a bra on and that was not gonna happen (actually it did happen but not till around 6pm cause I am awesome like that).

Fed them lunch full of leftovers of hot dogs, tater tots and pasta salad. All 3 kids complained and I forced all 3 kids to eat what I gave them, 2 of the 3 ate. Oh well Chase, maybe next time.

The afternoon was followed by the kids acting crazy and me trying to take a nap. The more tired I got the more they acted crazy. All I wanted was a nap, which I did end up getting. Woke up from my nap and Chase's head was bleeding. He somehow cracked his head, thank goodness no hospital or stitches were needed. I still really do not have the true story of what happened.

Dinner was a disaster. Landon acted like he was two and ended up being punished.

Got home from running some errands and Chase brought out his almost brand new comforter and pillow and there was GUM all freakin over it. I almost lost my cool. Besides my little nap today, all I've done is clean clean clean. Clean the kitchen, 2 loads of dishes, clean the bathroom, clean the living room, help clean up the kids rooms, 3 loads of laundry and so on and so on.

And now it's 8:54pm, kids are finally chillin watching some ridiculous cartoon on TV and begging for a snack.

I know it may not seem like much but remember this is DAY ONE, DAY FREAKIN ONE of summer break. My brain can only imagine all the nifty things that are going to happen this summer. I have a feeling not all my kids are gonna make it!!

Sunday, June 3, 2012

7 WHOLE YEARS!


Can't believe we have been married 7 whole years!!! And I haven't killed him yet!! LOL

This picture was taken May 28, 2005 sometime around 6pm. I was 24, he was 19. Such a baby.......

Matt and I had a whirlwind romance. We met, we became friends, we fell in love and got married. The End.

I remember this day like it was yesterday. The weather in the morning was beautiful and it was somewhere around 70 degrees. We had a 4:30pm wedding planned outside. We took our time setting up all the tables, chairs, decorations and all that jazz. Then as I was getting ready, sometime around 3:45pm, the weather turned soooooo bad. The sky just opened up and the winds felt like a tornado. It was nuts and it all stopped around 4:15pm. So my soon to be husband and his groomsmen and my bridesmaids were outside QUICKLY redoing table covers and favors and chairs and all that fun stuff as I sat in my best friends bed room trying not to freak out. I do have this one picture that was taken of me about 4:25pm, I was not dressed, no make up and you could see how tear streaked my face was.

After the weather disaster, the sun came out, it was chilly, but still sunny. Our wedding went off without a hitch. I walked down to Elvis Presley  - Hawaiian Wedding Song (perfect for our "Hawaiian wedding").
We exchanged lei's (a Hawaiian tradition) and we said our vows. The pastor announced us husband and wife and we walked back down the aisle to some more Elvis, but for the life of me I cannot think of the song. It's going to eat me up until I can think of it. I'll have to do a little researching on this.

After we were married we had a little casual "reception". I hate to call it a reception because it was more like a backyard BBQ. Almost all the people we love and care for were there, we ate fried chicken, we played corn hole, listened to more Elvis and ate some wedding cake. We had a blast. It was casual and relaxing.

And now here we are 7 years later. Lots of things have happened in these 7 years....gave birth to 2 baby boys (11 months apart), had my Landon go through 2 different surgeries, bought a house,, lost a house, had two of the 3 kids start school (and do really well!!) I have had many job changes and many meltdowns. We have had our ups and downs, but here we are. We made it. We really made it.

We made it through some of the most horrible life changes, but we did and how you ask, how??? Through the power of our Lord Jesus Christ. The moment we gave our lives to the Lord, is the moment I knew we were going to be just fine no matter what the world throws at us. I believe 110% that as long as we live a Christ centered life, we will be ok. I know. I trust it. I trust in Him.