Sunday, May 20, 2012

Just in a funk....again....but whatever, that's normal for me

This week has been quite a week. Ugh. Let me list the highlights for ya:


  • Home from vacation let down. You know, returning the AWESOME rental car, back to driving my lovely Jeep, putting all stuff away, and just back to the grind.
  • Got into a huge fight with my mother who repeatedly called me a "fucking bitch" over and over and of course I have the voice mails to prove it.
  • Got into a fight with my sister, and we have not talked about it yet. She is avoiding me, I am avoiding her.
  • Tuesday was the 2 year anniversary of my dad's death. Nuff said.
  • Thursday was the 11th year anniversary of my grandpa's death. And it feel like yesterday. I thought it was supposed to get easier over time.
  • Also Thursday my grandma, who is my rock, fell and broke her leg. She is in the hospital and in alot of pain. I HATE seeing her there. It kills me. It hurts so much.
  • Let's not forget fighting with one of my best friends.
So this week I have become a hermit. I have slept so many hours this week. I lost count. I am trying really hard to put a brave face on and go about my day but inside my heart hurts. It feels like it's crumbling.

I know the only way that I have gotten through this week is God. I have been praying and praying and praying. I know that I am still here because of him. He as given me the strength for the week, for the day, each day.

But I am still allowed to feel sad, angry, and hurt. Just because I feel this way doesn't mean anything. It means that I have God on my side getting me through this. And he will.

I just feel the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I feel like I am constantly fighting for something. I am constantly on the go. I feel like I am suffocating.

Some of you may wonder why I am even telling you all this. Well, the answer is simple. I am not a private person. I am upfront with about almost everything. And I am cool with that. Now with that being said, if it involves other people, I tend not to open up about it because that person did not ask to be a part of my blog. So I do have boundaries. Enough about that, back to me having a "whoa is me" party.

I get like this sometimes. I become anti social, sad, depressed, then I sleep alot. Most likely the bipolar in me. One day I will snap out of it. Might be tomorrow, might be 2 weeks from now, but one day I will wake up and be just fine again....till next time.

Speaking of the bipolar, I am so over taking medications for it. I have been on so many things that I lost track. ALL of them have some side effect or another, like, hair falling out, teeth rotting, weight gain, weight loss and on and on. So I'm done taking meds. Now I rely on only one doctor to get me through the hard times. God. And it works for me. I am not saying everyone should just stop taking prescribed meds and let God handle it, but for me it works. I have medication free for almost two years. In these two years I have had my ups and downs but I have always gotten through them. And I will get through this one with alot of prayer and a great support system.

**Pause**
Just realized that I am so ADD when it comes to my writing. I went back and re-read what I wrote and it just jumps from subject to subject. I just write what pops in my head at any given time. For the average person, just by reading this post, they would think I'm nuts. But this is my blog and I will write all crazy -like if I want too..HAHAHAHA.

**Continue**

I love ranting. Gives my brain a chance to unload and get all this stuff out of my brain. And I love this blog. I love writing. I love that it's mine and I can pretty much write whatever I want.  When I first started this blog it was supposed to me a mommy blog, you know, write about my kids, record everything worth anything that happened in their life. Like an online scrapbook of sorts, but now it's become a place to write about anything. A couple of days ago I went back and re-read ALL of my blog posts. Truly made me laugh because I am all over the board. You cannot classify this blog as anything. It's a place where my mind goes to throw up. And I love it. I would not change a thing. Well, now it's time for me to go and get all the kiddos off to bed. They need a break from fighting (and so do I)!!!

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