Thursday, October 28, 2010

Where has the time gone?

This year has been extremely hard for Matt and I. We lost our house, I lost my dad, family drama and lots of financial problems.

This has put me into a tailspin of depression. I am wallowing in it. I am swimming in it. I feel most days that I can't get out.

Losing the house was AWFUL! It made me feel like such a loser. Made me feel like I was the person my mother always made me out to be. My life was supposed to be different and now I lost the house that my family has grown in. It was just so unreal. I could see the disappointment in the eyes of family members and friends. I could see the "I told you so" look. It was harder telling people we lost the then actually losing the house.

When I lost my dad in May I remember just going through the motions. I was sad but I did not process it completely. Now I am starting that process. I am sad, so sad. I am realizing that I will never see him again. I will never be looking on the streets when I am driving. I will never ask my sister if she has talked to dad lately. I will never have to look in the paper to see if he has died. All because my dad has died. He is gone and I am trying to deal with it. I am trying to come to terms with all of these realizations.

It is just so hard to come to terms with all of it. And I am so sick of people asking me why am I so sad about it. I am sick of hearing what a crappy dad he was and he was never there. So sick of hearing that he was homeless and didn't see me for years. Well, folks that is why I am sad. There is no hope of me having a relationship with him now. He is gone. I will never fully get to know my dad. And now I am changing the subject (my posts have become such downers)

I finally started college!! I am majoring in Social Science in hopes of becoming a Licensed Social Worker in a few years. I know I can do this if I put my mind to it.

My goals for 2011 is to stay in school and lose weight. I know both of these will be hard for me but I know if I put my mind to it I can do it. I am going back on my diet that my cousin prepared for me and I am going to go to the gym at least twice a week. I know I will succeed.

This is my year!

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Chase's Birth


So my baby boy will be 4 in a couple weeks and I have never written in depth about his birth story. So here it is.

I was induced at 39 weeks due to all the pelvic pain I was having - YEAH!!!

So we get to the hospital at 8am and of course I am so nervous, I was up most of the night with diarrhea (just an FYI - happened each time I went into natural labor). So at the hospital they checked me and I was 3 1/2 centimeters dilated, so I was pretty much in labor. I got all hooked up and everything was going great.

About 10:30 they broke my water and they my world fell apart!! The contractions started coming fast and hard. About 12:30pm I was able to get the famous epidural.....I was hoping this time it worked. I have done it with my other kids but it never took and I ended up having them natural.

And then I heard the angels sing.....IT WORKED! I felt so great. But even with the epidural I still felt lots o pressure. They did have to put an internal monitor on the baby because the baby's heart rate kept dropping. First time that has happened to me and boy was I nervous about the baby.

3pm - laying on my side and I felt the longest contraction ever. I told Matt to get the nurse but they were already coming in the room. They told me to turn over cause it was time.

I looked puzzled because they didn't even check me yet, but they are the docs, they know best. As we were getting prepared, my Dr. came in and asked if it would be alright to have a couple extra people in the room and of course I am all drugged up and said yes. By the time everything had started I had 2 doctors, 2 nurses, 4 residents, 2 student nurses and a woman who gives a lot of money to the hospital and she wanted to see a live birth. - Oh well, what are you gonna do?

So they finally checked me and I could of sworn I heard the doctor saying something like "oh crap there's the head" I swear I did.

At this point Matt felt really sick and had to go sit down. The nurses brought him some orange juice and he seemed to get better and he continued to stand my my side.

They the doc tells me Chase is upside down (not breech). His head was facing down instead of up. Doc said it might hurt a little more to push him out like that.
So I pushed and pushed for about 10 minutes and then there he was ...........

My 8lb 7oz 21 inches long born at 3:37pm Baby Boy!

My baby was almost perfect - his blood sugar was low so I had to wait to feed him and hold him for about an hour after birth, small price to pay.

I remember sitting there getting stitched up thinking I should order food now before dinner is over. So I did, I called while I was getting stitched up. I was so crazy hungry.

I ate, I peed, I walked around. It was all good. Finally I can go to my own room and possibly take a nap.