Monday, December 27, 2010

Landon's Birth Story

SO I know Landon's birthday was almost a month ago.....but it's Christmas time and things got busy.

On November 29th my baby boy turned 5 years old. We celebrated by taking all the kids to Chuck E CHeese on the his actual birthday and it was a birthday miracle because the place was almost empty. It was the best time we have had at Chuck E Cheese for a long time. The kids had a great time and I had a great time!!

Ok, on to Landon's birth story...

Landon was a complete suprise. Matt and I were not trying to have a baby, infact I was on birth control when I got pregnant. Oops. It happens. Damn that bottle of wine! I won't go into all the drama (oh, but there was big drama) but everything worked out good and my due date was set for December 6th. I found out we were having a boy a couple weeks before my birthday so it was an early birthday present for me. I was beyond thrilled to be having a boy after having a little girl.

So my pregnancy for the most part went ok. I did have symphsis seperation which basiclly means my pevlic bone split in two. It was quite painful and they were unable to fix it or do anything about it until after birth. And even then after birth it just heals up on it's own......so with that being said they deceided to induce me at 39 weeks which would have been November 30th, a Tuesday.


On the saturday after Thanksgiving which was also the Saturday before birth, Matt and I deceided to go out and have a nice meal as one of our last meals before baby. We both ordered some kinda smothered chicken. After cutting into the chicken it kinda looked pinkish but we both thought it was from the red neon lights that were above us in the restuarant. Well needless to say.....we got food poisoning.

Matt and I were sick all day Sunday. It was horrible only having one bathroom. I finally started to feel better Sunday early evening and so did Matt. My stomach was still crampy and was hurting but I chalked it up to being sick. Late Sunday evening my stomach was hurting so bad that I thought it might be time to have this baby. I got MAtt up and we took Emma to my grandma's house.

We got to the hospital and sure enough I was dialted 4cm. Apparently the food poisoning with the dehydration kicked my body into labor. So they got me all checked in and started the IV. I was flying through the IV bags becasue I was so dehydrated. Well after they gave me 5 IV bags, my labor stopped. Now it was time to make a decision whether they were going to keep me and induce me one day early or if they were going to send me home and have me come back tomorrow for my induction.

They decided to keep me. They started the induction process around 9am, water broke about 1130am and my beautiful baby boy came in to this world at 5:39pm weighing 8lbs 4oz and 21 inches long. He was the most beaultiful baby that I had ever seen.



Matt was wonderful through the entire birthing process. I couldn't of asked for anything more.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Where has the time gone?

This year has been extremely hard for Matt and I. We lost our house, I lost my dad, family drama and lots of financial problems.

This has put me into a tailspin of depression. I am wallowing in it. I am swimming in it. I feel most days that I can't get out.

Losing the house was AWFUL! It made me feel like such a loser. Made me feel like I was the person my mother always made me out to be. My life was supposed to be different and now I lost the house that my family has grown in. It was just so unreal. I could see the disappointment in the eyes of family members and friends. I could see the "I told you so" look. It was harder telling people we lost the then actually losing the house.

When I lost my dad in May I remember just going through the motions. I was sad but I did not process it completely. Now I am starting that process. I am sad, so sad. I am realizing that I will never see him again. I will never be looking on the streets when I am driving. I will never ask my sister if she has talked to dad lately. I will never have to look in the paper to see if he has died. All because my dad has died. He is gone and I am trying to deal with it. I am trying to come to terms with all of these realizations.

It is just so hard to come to terms with all of it. And I am so sick of people asking me why am I so sad about it. I am sick of hearing what a crappy dad he was and he was never there. So sick of hearing that he was homeless and didn't see me for years. Well, folks that is why I am sad. There is no hope of me having a relationship with him now. He is gone. I will never fully get to know my dad. And now I am changing the subject (my posts have become such downers)

I finally started college!! I am majoring in Social Science in hopes of becoming a Licensed Social Worker in a few years. I know I can do this if I put my mind to it.

My goals for 2011 is to stay in school and lose weight. I know both of these will be hard for me but I know if I put my mind to it I can do it. I am going back on my diet that my cousin prepared for me and I am going to go to the gym at least twice a week. I know I will succeed.

This is my year!

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Chase's Birth


So my baby boy will be 4 in a couple weeks and I have never written in depth about his birth story. So here it is.

I was induced at 39 weeks due to all the pelvic pain I was having - YEAH!!!

So we get to the hospital at 8am and of course I am so nervous, I was up most of the night with diarrhea (just an FYI - happened each time I went into natural labor). So at the hospital they checked me and I was 3 1/2 centimeters dilated, so I was pretty much in labor. I got all hooked up and everything was going great.

About 10:30 they broke my water and they my world fell apart!! The contractions started coming fast and hard. About 12:30pm I was able to get the famous epidural.....I was hoping this time it worked. I have done it with my other kids but it never took and I ended up having them natural.

And then I heard the angels sing.....IT WORKED! I felt so great. But even with the epidural I still felt lots o pressure. They did have to put an internal monitor on the baby because the baby's heart rate kept dropping. First time that has happened to me and boy was I nervous about the baby.

3pm - laying on my side and I felt the longest contraction ever. I told Matt to get the nurse but they were already coming in the room. They told me to turn over cause it was time.

I looked puzzled because they didn't even check me yet, but they are the docs, they know best. As we were getting prepared, my Dr. came in and asked if it would be alright to have a couple extra people in the room and of course I am all drugged up and said yes. By the time everything had started I had 2 doctors, 2 nurses, 4 residents, 2 student nurses and a woman who gives a lot of money to the hospital and she wanted to see a live birth. - Oh well, what are you gonna do?

So they finally checked me and I could of sworn I heard the doctor saying something like "oh crap there's the head" I swear I did.

At this point Matt felt really sick and had to go sit down. The nurses brought him some orange juice and he seemed to get better and he continued to stand my my side.

They the doc tells me Chase is upside down (not breech). His head was facing down instead of up. Doc said it might hurt a little more to push him out like that.
So I pushed and pushed for about 10 minutes and then there he was ...........

My 8lb 7oz 21 inches long born at 3:37pm Baby Boy!

My baby was almost perfect - his blood sugar was low so I had to wait to feed him and hold him for about an hour after birth, small price to pay.

I remember sitting there getting stitched up thinking I should order food now before dinner is over. So I did, I called while I was getting stitched up. I was so crazy hungry.

I ate, I peed, I walked around. It was all good. Finally I can go to my own room and possibly take a nap.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Medical Advice from the Doctor

So I have been to the doctor quite a few times in the past two months.



He wanted to run some tests, a Pulmonary Function Test and a complete blood work up with a 12 hour fasting.



I got the results back this week. Not good people, not good.



The results were not what I expected.



They said that my bad cholesterol levels where very high and my my good cholesterol levels were not so good. So I have to diet and exercises and this time it's life or death.



And for the worst part....I have moderate asthma and Stage 1 emphysema. So now it's time to quit smoking for real.



I am so angry at my self. I knew this could happen but I continued to smoke anyways. I continued to eat all that fast food and junk. I did it all. I have no one to blame but myself.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Life...Not so bad.....

I have been to the doctors umpteen times in the past few weeks.....I'm just leucky he didn't admit me...hahahha.

I can laugh now because the doctor has me on a nice cocktail of meds that I take daily and nightly. The one I take during the day helps almost instantly and the other meds are to stabilize my bi polar.

There, I said, it is out in the open and for every one to read. I have bi polar type 1. I do not like to tell people because they either think I just made it up or they treat me like I am nuts.

With having the bipolar, I do a lot of dumb things. I am quick to anger. My anxiety is through the roof. I do and say things on impulse. I have low self esteem and the world seems hard to handle at times.

I do not intend to take the medicines forever...just for a little while. I intend to use my faith in God to help me cross these thorny paths in life. I intend to lean on my moms group at church for support. I intend to meet with my Transformation mentor, Karen, weekly (a church program to help you build your faith). And the hubby and I are going to attend couples therapy.

Being on the meds lets me have more of a clear mind to focus on God and my family and my healing.

I have been on the meds for 2 weeks now and I am doing really well. My husband and I have spent some quality time talking. My kids and I am actually playing and having fun.

I am spending my time in a much a better mood. I am sleeping much better.

So that's about it. That is the update. I am doing better...not there yet...but better

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Just need to vent for a sec.....

Life is sucky right now...just plain sucky.

I am feeling so overwhelmed with things right now.

I feel like everything is catching up to me.

I feel like I am going to fall and fall hard.

I am so angry right now. I am angry at everything. All I want to do it sit in bed and eat.

These past few months have been a trying time for me and my family. We lost our house, moved, my dad died, fighting with family and now another event has totally set me back in my recovery from the abuse I endured as a child. I am not able to openly speak about it yet but as soon as I can, believe me, I am going to be writing and writing.

I feel so trapped and helpless. I am trying to rely on God right now. I have been praying and praying for relief from these feelings but I think the devil has a tight grip on me right now.

I feel myself slipping further down each day. I think I am going to lose it.

I need help but don't know where to turn. I am ashamed and embarrassed to talk to my friends at church. I feel like I will be judged and they will look down on me.

I feel like I am going to be called crazy. I feel crazy. I feel lost. I feel empty.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Ocean City Vacation Part 1

Yes, we celebrated my 30th birthday and our family vacation the same week.

The beach / ocean / family were completely awesome. We stayed with my cousins who live about 5 miles from Ocean City, MD ***score*** (saved us sooooo much on a hotel).

We spent a lot of time at the beach and Assateague Island. I am going to take you a short (possibly long) recap of our week.

Sunday 645am – leave for the beach!! Drive was long but great. The kids did wonderful. 445pm – Arrive at Kim and Dave’s house! We finally made it. We stayed in for dinner and had spaghetti and garlic bread. We let the kids play with their cousins and have some fun. Matt and I ended up going to bed around 10pm.

Monday – BEACH DAY!! We got to the beach around 830am. Landon and Emma took to the beach right away..Chase on the other hand spent the entire time in the sand approx 10 ft from any water at all. Poor kid….he just sat there all day playing in a huge sand box and it was HOT!
Emma for pinched by a horseshoe crab within the first hour. She was in the ocean and said she had her hands on the ocean floor and something pinched her. And she had the blood to prove it. She spent the next 20 minutes screaming and crying…typical Emma.
Landon was born for the beach. He had no fear. The cutest thing from Monday was that he had a bunch of shells and he was starting to bury them. He said he was hiding them so he could come back tomorrow and get them. So cute, so innocent…then about 10 minutes later he forgot where they were and freaked out…oh well.
Monday night we headed out ALONE to celebrate my 30th birthday. My cousins were soooo nice and kept my kids for us. Matt and I headed down to the Ocean City Boardwalk. We walked around and got some souvenirs a.k.a. my birthday presents and we had dinner at Hooters. Beach food always makes me nervous. I want to try new places but never sure if it will taste good and priced right, so Hooters it was. We walked on the beach a little and headed back home where we hung out with my cousins for awhile.

Tuesday – Assateague Island Day. It was about a 15 minutes drive from the house. The waves were huge and beautiful. Chase sat on the sand and played all day. Emma and Landon spent the day in the water. Landon was getting braver by the minute. At one point he actually let Matt carry him out into the ocean. And of course a huge wave came and crashed right on top of them. Matt threw Landon towards shore and Matt got knocked down. Everyone was ok but Landon as done at that point with the ocean and Matt’s expensive sunglasses were now washed away in the ocean. We joked with the kids about a shark wearing daddy’s glasses. We packed up and drove around Assateague for a while trying to look and for wild horses. We found a bunch. We let the kids out of the car to look at them and of course I took a ton of pictures.
After getting home and getting cleaned up and Kim and Dave got home, we headed out to the boardwalk again but this time with all the kids!! We had dinner at Tony’s Pizza on a rooftop restaurant that overlooked the boardwalk and ocean. It was so awesome. The kids liked all the people and all the snacks. Emma got a few posters for her room. Then we headed home…..the kids crashed out before we even got home…the really long 10 minute drive.

Wednesday – Today we decided to do something a little different. We went to Frontiertown. It was this “huge” waterpark with all these waterslides, kiddie pool and mini golf. After paying $54 for all of us we get in and there were 3 slides, a lazy river and a decent size kiddie pool….RIP OFF! We stayed and we swam and we played. Landon was just tall enough to go down the waterslides by him self and you better believe he did. He did not want mommy or daddy going with him. And we only lost the kids twice…yep…twice. One would run to the lazy river, one would be in the kiddie pool and the other would be heading towards the slides. We had to sit them down and explain why they just couldn’t take off like that. And then the rain came and we got outta there.
We decided to go back to the house and clean up and do some outlet shopping! Fun for me, bad for the little boys. They were AWFUL! They just wanted to go back to the house and watch TV.
We stayed in for dinner and had homemade Philly Cheese Steaks and pasta salad (kids had mac n cheese of course) then off to the really fun stuff.
The kids have been begging the moment we arrived and saw all Dave’s fishing poles; they really wanted to go fishing. So Dave got everything ready and we set off for some fishing and some crabbing. The crabbing was so much fun and all the kids enjoyed it. We drove to somewhere in the bay area, parked our cars on the side of the road and set up shop. We tied string to raw chicken legs and threw them out in the bay and we caught a TON of crabs. We could only keep 3 because they have to be a certain size in order to keep. Landon actually caught one of the three!! I was so proud of him and I think he was a little proud of himself.
After we had caught 3 crabs and done a little fishing the bugs were out in full force and 3 of the 5 kids we had with us were throwing fits so we headed back home and put them all to bed. The adults had a good time staying up late talking about the past and family things.

Thursday – Ocean City Beach!! Dave and my little cousin Vincent came with us on this day. Chase of course sat on his sand. Emma, Landon and Vincent played in the ocean on the boogie boards and had a great time. We went home, cleaned up and took some naps. I was getting stuff ready for the next day (leaving for Washington DC in the morning). Kim brought home HUGE steaks for dinner so we had that for dinner. Dave cooked up the crabs from the night before and one of Dave’s friends brought over some more crabs, so my hubby sure got him fill of crabs.
Friday – Packed up and got ready to head to Washington DC….to be continued….The Most Horrible Trip to the Nation’s Capital

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

One more about my Dad.....just an update

I called the coroners office last Friday to find out my dad's cause of death. After saying a huge long word the ME said that he died from a bad heart. He said that my dad most likely had a heart attack and dies instantly. I think I actually let out a sigh of relief. I wasn't even going to ask about the toxicology report but he brought it up and asked if I would like to know the results.

I think I had about 15 different emotions running through me at the same time. Then I remember saying "sure". He told me at the time of death my dad was NEGATIVE for any drugs and alcohol.

In that moment a wave of relief ran through my body. For the first time in sooooo long, I was proud of of dad. I was happy for him. I was happy he didn't lie. I was happy he was clean. I was actually proud of him. That feeling was great and I am still living that feeling.

So now when anyone has anything crappy to say about my dad I am totally going to throw it in there face. He died a recovering drug and alcohol addict. Not a user, but in recovery.

And yes, I know that my dad was far from perfect. He didn't pay child support, he didn't come to see us, he was in and out of jail, he was homeless that last 5 years or so of his life.....BUT the day my dad died HE WAS CLEAN. And I am allowed to be proud of that.

Monday, July 5, 2010

4th of July Weekend

My family and I had such a wonderful busy weekend. We spent a ton of family time together and did so many things.



Friday


  • Doctors appt for me

  • Finally picked up my dads ashes (yes it really did take me that long)

  • Got a pedicure

  • Went to CiCi's for dinner

  • Went and saw Eclipse with my hubby and some great friends



Saturday


  • Breakfast with my dads brother, Jamie and his wife, then out to there farm house.

  • Hartville Flea Market (crazy busy!!)

  • Car Show at Summit Racing...the boys LOVE to go to Daddy's work. Landon is obsessed with Mustangs even though my husband very much dislikes them.

  • Went out to dinner at Rockne's

  • Played on the Slip N Slide and in the pool

  • Then off to Portage Lakes fireworks where all kids fell asleep one the way home - YEAH!

Sunday



  • I had to work...boo...well I didn't HAVE to, I chose to. It was a lot of extra money and it was only 8-4.

  • Matt took the kids to church for one of the most amazing services...which I had to miss :(

  • Then off to Downtown Akron for the Rib, White and Blue Festival and Fireworks

And now I am back at work. We are headed out later to do some swimming with some peeps from church and that is ALWAYS a good time.


But for now I will sit here eating my 3rd piece of banana bread thinking about all the amazing people that have been taken out of my life too soon. July 4th always gets to me. Especially since my grandpa died in 2001. My grandma's bday is June 30th and that's when the grieving starts back. It is still weird not to have him here for all these big events and life changes.


And now this year I have my dad to think about. It kind of feels over now. I picked up his ashes and now I am done. What else is there to do? Part of me is relieved that I went and got them. I gave some to my sister and some to my dads brother and I still have to take some to my dads sister. But part of me is sad cause it's all over and everything is done. I really can't explain what I mean, it's just so hard. Life goes on. I will grieve and I will go on.


On to something lighter...the fireworks!!! Akron's fireworks were AMAZING! I always get so emotional when I look at the fireworks and I am hearing all the music and I sit in awe of my family. It's like reality kicks me in the butt every year. They are all mine. There 3 amazing, fearless children are all mine. My adoring husband who looks at me like I am the most beautiful things on this planet..is all mine.


I am so blessed to have my family.


I don't say it nearly enough.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Update: 101 Things To Do in 1001 Days

1. Paint Kitchen
2. Paint Family Room
3. Take down all wallpaper in large hallway
4. Power wash house
5. Landscape the front yard (and then maintain it) **DONE
6. Catch up scrapbooking (and maintain it at least every 3 months)
7. Make a chore chart for my children and make them stick to it
8. Make a cleaning schedule (one for everyday tasks and one for big things) **DONE
9. Go through everyone’s closet and donate any clothes to Goodwill ** DONE

10. Buy new pots and pans
11. Get Hubby an awesome lawn mower (we have a large yard and need a much better mower) **DONE
12. Get a swimming pool for the kids **DONE
13. Organize all scrapbook supplies **DONE
14. Go through all the 30 boxes of kids clothes in basement and decide once and for all what to do with them
15. Spend an hour each week with each kid alone
16. Sleep 7 hours a night EVERY night
17. Get a new bedroom set
18. Get a new bedding set (to match the new bedroom set)
19. Start packing for vacation only one week ahead (not a month ahead)
20. Stick to the Christmas budget
21. Lose 10lbs
22. Lose 20 lbs
23. Lose 20 lbs
24. Lose 20 lbs
25. Lose last 10 lbs
26. Quit smoking in 2010
27. Go to a marriage retreat with my husband
28. Read my bible **DONE
29. Become more active at church **DONE
30. Learn more about God, learn more stories ** DONE

31. Take a financial class
32. Read 50 books
33. Drink ONLY water for one week
34. Build an emergency fund equal of 2 months paychecks
35. Make a will
36. Get 2 bookshelves and proudly display a lot of my books
37. Have Matt and kids get passports so we can go to Niagara Falls
38. Go one month with no fast food (does not include pizza)
39. Continue going once a month with the girls from church ** DONE
40. Go one entire weekend with no internet/cell phone
41. Go one entire week wearing NO sweat pants or tops
42. Get a pedicure
43. Get a facial
44. Go on vacation Summer 2010
45. Go on vacation Summer 2012
46. Go to Idlewild summer 2011
47. Write one letter a month to a friend or family member (not email, an actual letter)
48. Complete budget for 2010 **DONE
49. In December complete budget for 2011
50. In December 2011, complete budget for 2012
51. Visit my grandma 3 times a week at the very least **DONE
52. Organize DVD’s in alphabetical order
53. Keep food cupboards organized (new food in back) **DONE
54. Do not dye hair for 3 months- let it grow and get healthy again
55. Get more 4th of July decorations
56. Get more Christmas decorations
57. Get more Thanksgiving decorations
58. Wean my kids off fruit snacks
59. Start eating more sugar free foods
60. Play board games with kids once a week
61. Get a new fish and not let him die
62. Exercise 3 times a week at gym (I can get in free with my awesome health insurance card)
63. Try to make my bed every day
64. Get a new lap top
65. Get a smart phone
66. Get new couches **DONE
67. Send thank you cards after all the kids birthdays
68. Make a difficult cookie for the cookie party
69. Make a new dish each month
70. Eat home more often
71. Only have chicken nuggets and Mac n cheese once a week **DONE
72. Take trash to the trash can, I will not throw any more candy wrappers behind my headboard (yeah, I know, I’m like 5) **DONE
73. Stop sneaking sweets and if I do, only once a week
74. Only 2 McDonalds Frappes a week (does that count as fast food?? It’s only coffee right?) **DONE
75. Only go to WalMart, Target and Giant Eagle once a week. **DONE

76. Do not let the gas in my car get below ¼ tank
77. Take a pottery class
78. Join a book club through the library
79. Take kids to story time once a week (or every two weeks)
80. Commit to not committing to so much each week **DONE
81. Have a GNO at a hotel once a year with 3 close friends
82. Only have one selling party a year (ya know, like Pampered Chef, Tastefully Simple, PartyLite..etc, I could go on and on)
83. Go to each and every one of Emma’s cheerleading games
84. Try and be team mom for season 2011 for Emma’s cheer squad **DONE
85. Get an iPod
86. Spend 20 minutes a day talking with my husband without my children around **DONE
87. Get a new portable dishwasher **DONE
88. Shop more at discount stores i.e. Big Lots, Sav A Lot, Marc’s
89. Shop less for needless things
90. Get contacts
91. Play more Rockband and get really good so I am rock out with my brother
92. Be nicer to my ex husband **DONE
93. Blog at least once a week – shoot for 2 but will be happy with one
94. Twitter more often
95. Facebook a little less
96. Go on a date with my husband once a month
97. Get a houseplant and not kill it
98. Organize filing cabinet **DONE
99. Go through and organize ALL junk drawers through out the house **DONE

100. Save $5 for each item I complete off this list
101. Make a new list after 1001 days

So I think I am making pretty good progress. I wanted to have more done but oh well, life gets in the way.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Wow...it's been way too long.

I am going to try and make this a quick update so you don't have to be reading this all day.

I have been trying to deal with my dads death. These past few weeks have been hard and I am sad a lot. I am sad for so many different reasons that I would prolly make no sense telling you all of them.

I am working through the grief and anger with the help of some great ladies at church. They are AMAZING and I am so grateful to know these women.

My husband has been utterly wonderful these past few weeks. He is dealing with my moods and anger. He is just a fantastic husband.


Speaking of my fantastic husband, we celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary on the 28th. We had the best time. We slowed danced and drank...we could ask for a better evening.
Then......my very little 4 year old man, Landon, is riding a bike with no training wheels!! How cool is that??? Matt was a little disappointed because he didn't get to "teach" his first son how to ride a bike. Matt took the wheels off, Landon hopped on and he TOOK OFF!! Matt had to run inside and grab the camera, so we weren't even able to get his first time on camera. This is about 10 minutes after he took off. (and yes, we did go out and buy him a bike helmet)

We have been working around the house and the yard getting things done. All of the house is done (except for the wallpaper in the hallway, but that can wait) and we finally got all the landscaping done. And when I say we, I mean Matt. I think I am allergic to yard work. Below is one of the first plants Matt ever bought me. On our first date he brought me a Lily and when we bought our first house he bought me the lilies below. We transferred all our plants to the new house and they are doing extremely well.

Well, I think that about does it. Oh, I almost forgot. Landon and Chase received there first Pen Pal letter!!! I got in the day after my dad died so getting the response in the mail has been a work in progress but I am determined to get it in the mail by the end of the weekend!!

I promise to start blogging more, I just have to get outta my funk. Peace Out Yo!

Sunday, May 16, 2010

My Dad is Gone



My dad and I had a strained relationship to say the least. But in the end he was my dad.

My dad died Friday May 14th around 930am. The Akron Police Dept found him dead on he side of the road near Wolf Ledges. He was walking, collapsed and someone called 911, he was dead before the first responding officer arrived.

My dad has been a drug and alcohol addict for as long as I can remember. He was in and out of our lives, mostly out. I have seen him a hand ful of times since becoming an adult.

The last time I saw him was September 2007. I met him at the Haven of Rest (a local homeless shelter) where he was staying. We walked to the park behind the building and talked for about 2 hours. My dad has never lied to me. He always told me he was a bad father. He told me to always felt guilty and he knew he couldn't control his addictions. I am not saying what he did was right and because he told me the truth that it erases the pain but at least I know that he knew he screwed up.

Throughout planning his funeral I am finding out so much about this man. My dad has been involved in many community services, mostly CSS, to get back on his feet. My dad has been clean and sober since September 2009. He took regular drug test and has passes. His caseworker help him get disability and an apartment. My dad finally did it. He finally got clean. He was turning his life around.

His CSS caseworker told me that he has been looking for us (me, my sister and brother) for about 3 months. She look on Facebook and Myspace and did many Internet searches, but not knowing our married names made it hard. His caseworker finally did find my mom and they were planning on going to my moms house this upcoming week. Just one more week and I could of seen my dad. Just one more week.

This whole process has been unreal. Everything from talking to the Medical Examiners office to sitting for 2 hours in the funeral home and planning out his funeral. I feel like an adult finally. This is just too much.

I am sad, very sad. I kinda wish I didn't know my dad was getting clean for us and that he talked about us all the time to his caseworker. I will never have a relationship with the clean and sober dad I have always wanted. I will never have that.

Regardless of what my dad to us growing up he is still my dad and I still love him. He still deserves an amazing and proper funeral. I will never forget what I had to go through with him but I will forgive him.

If you would like to see the obituary, please go to Ohio.com and search for Gary L Robinson Sr.

No matter what anyone says he left this world as a good man. He did it, he finally did it and I am so proud of him.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Just a Quickie......

Life has been INSANE these past 2 weeks.

We have finally got all moved. I can't wait to post pictures but by the time I clean up and get ready to take pictures the kids have destroyed my house.

Moving day went REALLY well. Since we have been moving for month, all we had on moving day was the big stuff. Matt picked the truck up at 8am, they started loading about 815am, and it was all unfreakin loaded at 11am!!! We had everything put away and most of the stuff hung up by 5pm. We actually had time to go out for Mexican, a trip to Lowes and Walmart and we all got showers and chilled. Sunday we spent the day finishing hanging stuff, organizing the basement and doing odds and ends. If we ever move again I am doing it this way. It was so easy and non stressful.

I did have one breakdown on moving day. We loaded up everything and I was the last one to leave because I stayed and I did one last walk through. I got into my car and started bawling. I have not cried that hard in a loooooonnnnnnggggg time. I had so many thoughts and emotions running through my body. I was sad to see our first house go. I was upset because we mis managed money and we lost the house. I was sad to see the memories stay and we left. I was scared of the new house and the new life. So of course I tried to call my husband and no answer, I tried calling my best friend and no answer. So I just drove, barley unable to see, I just drove. I pulled into the new house and I know I looked like a big mess. No one said anything to me but I know they saw it. Even though we did everything we could to keep our house I still feel like the worlds biggest failure.

So let's move on to more happier things. I finally start my DAY SHIFT job on May 24th! I am beyond excited. I feel this was a great move for me and I know I am totally going to kick ass.

Well, I am running out of steam but I just have one more little thing to share with you. A few weeks ago our Director of Services (the big wig) sent out an email asking for a paragraph on the mom, grandma, aunt, or special woman in our lives. She wanted to send them a Mothers Day card from our agency. So here is what was sent to my grandma (the best woman in the entire world) My grandma is my world. My grandparents practically raised me because my mom couldn't. SO here's in the awesome Mothers Day card from my work (Battered Women's Shelter of Summit and Medina Counties)


Dear Irene;

A few weeks ago, I told the staff of the Battered Women’s Shelter that they could send me a story about their Mothers, Sisters or Grandmothers and that I would then forward a special Mothers Day Card to each of them.

Therefore it is with enormous gratitude that I am sending this card to with you with wishes for the Happiest Mothers Day from Kelly. We are so blessed to have a staff member like your grand-daughter on our team.

They say that the “apple does not fall far from the tree”. So with that in mind………..

- I thank you for Kelly’s kindness………….she is always looking for ways to help and support other staff and our clients,
- I thank you for Kelly’s sense of humor……she makes us smile at every turn, even when the topics are heavy and serious she can find a way to smile,
- I thank you for Kelly’s desire to better herself…………she always listens and accepts the constructive supervision offered by her supervisors,
- I thank you for Kelly’s sense of initiative………..whenever there is something needing done she see’s it and jumps right in to start the work,
- I thank you for Kelly’s empathy skills………..she helps every client to feel a little better for spending time with her,
- I thank you for Kelly’s desire to help others………..she would give the shirt off her back for a person in need,
- I thank you for Kelly’s loyalty…….she believes in this agency and in the people we serve.

You raised a wonderful young woman and I am proud to have her as a member of our staff.
You did so much right with her in her young years that she is now a beautiful and fabulous member of society.

So on this Mothers Day…………….I thank you for your gift to us, your grand-daughter.

Please enjoy these thoughts that Kelly shared with me:

My Grandma has been there for me ever since I can remember. She has been my one stable person my whole life. I will always remember Friday night was the night we ate out, Saturdays were for big breakfast and cleaning. I will always remember how I thought my grandma was the smartest person in the world because she always answered the questions right on Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune. She is the one person that holds our entire family together; 6 kids and their spouses, 17 grandchildren and their spouses and 34 great grandchildren. My grandma taught me how important family is and what a family really was. Grandma taught me right from wrong. She taught me how to stand up for my self. She taught me that I have to work hard to get the things I want from life. She taught me relationships and marriage is hard and takes work. She taught me to always try and be the bigger person. I love my grandma like she was my mom. I am the luckiest person in the world to have been able to spend my life with her.

Thank you Irene for being such a great role model for Kelly. Your family is a wonderful example of love.
Have a wonderful Mothers Day,
Terri Heckman, Executive Director

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Almost Time!!

Moving day is 3 days away!! I only have 3 more nights left in that house. Matt and I talked last night and luckily we are not really attached to the home. We had only lived there 3 years and yes it was our first home but neither of us is really attached to it.

Of course I am sad to leave it. We have had alot of great memories there. My baby Chase was only 6 months old when we moved in. He learned to walk and talk in that living room.

It was the home where Landon and Chase dyed Easter Eggs for the first time. The living room where I saw my daughter grow up right before my eyes; standing there in her cheerleading uniform with her hair all pulled back.

The house where my husband and I really learned to love each other. We learned how to talk to each other. We learned how to enjoy each others company.

I watched my kids embrace the magic on Santa and leave carrots for the reindeer.

Okay, I lied, tears are welling up thinking about all these memories. But life goes on. Matt and I made this decision on alot of prayer. We truly believe this is the best decision for our family.

We will build new memories. We will make a better lives for our family.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Hold Me While I have a MELTDOWN

I had my first official moving meltdown yesterday. Hubby is not very happy with me right now. Actually we haven't spoken since 8pm Tuesday...oops

OK, so here's the scoop. I am a planner. I am a list maker. So I made a bunch of lists detailing what we need to get done each day until the move.

I tend to freak out if I get off schedule or plans get messed up.

So I woke up at 630pm which was 1 1/2 hours behind schedule. So naturally I am already in a tizzy. We get to the new house and NE HAS DONE NOTHING ON THE LIST!! I had 5 or 6 things I wanted him to do before we went over and NOTHING was done.

I may want to add in that I also woke up sick. Not like really sick but sinus sick. I felt like complete crap, so that didn't help my attitude.

So we are over there working and my mouth just starts. I am complaining and yelling and name calling and then I decide to go to the playroom, tell the kids to get there shoes on and get in the car. I tell Matt either your spending the night here or your getting in the car now.

We spent a whole 45 minutes pretty much doing nothing at the new house.

And because I was a big bratty baby we have a TON on work to do on Saturday . Saturday the day where I wanted to spend sometime with the kids now we have to complete all the stupid work we didn't get done today.

I am so mad at my self. I don't know why I couldn't just stick it out and get some work done. I am such an idiot sometimes.

Our old house is about 85% cleared out except for the furniture we need to live from for the next week and a half. We have the kitchen, half of the bathroom and a little bit more in Emma's room to take over and all the stuff will be over. Friday before the big move I am taking all the clothes and non perishable food. So yeah, we do have alot done but I want more. I want the new house to be almost all put away before big moving day. I want to be able to plop all the furniture in and be done. We are even going to hang all the crap in the kids rooms, bathrooms and dining room before the big day.

That's the plan anyways.....hahahahaha.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Guess Who's Going to Day Shift????/

I got the job!!! I am awesome!!

I haven't been this happy or excited in awhile. I just cannot believe I got the job. No more 3rd shift!! I will be working Monday - Friday 8am - 4pm (ish)!!! I am going to be able to spend more time with the women at the shelter, I am going to be able to make more of a difference.

I found out this morning around 8am but I couldn't say anything because they were going to tell the other person who applied she didn't get the job until noon.

It really hit me when I woke up around 530pm. I had to call my boss to go over salary and all that fun stuff and then it just hit me. My life is going to be normal again. My kids might start listening to me and not taking advantage of the fact I am so tired in the evenings. I don't have to feed my kids cereal and waffles for dinner (I hate making dinner as soon as I wake up). I get to sleep in the same bed as my husband 7 days a week. The good things about this new job are endless.

And I truly believe it was God who gave me this job. I prayed about it even before I applied. I wasn't sure if it was the right move for me. So I applied. I prayed. I prayed hard. I knew if this was where I was supposed to be, God would put me there. He always has bigger plans for us and if I was needed on 3rd shift then I would of stayed on 3rd shift. I believe I can make such a difference on 1st shift. Getting right into the action. I get to do case management now!! And that is huge. That is how we get the women from shelter life back into their own lives. That is where they learn how to live away from their abusers safely. That is where they get to come and spill on their problems on my shoulders and I walk them through rebuilding their life.

I am so grateful to my bosses for giving me this opportunity. I know I am going to be great and I know I am going to love it 100%

Writing this is making me think of one of my favorite quotes

Love all, trust a few. Do wrong to no one. William Shakespeare

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

So for everyone that knows me knows I am total control freak. I make list after list after list. I make lists of lists that need to be written. I make weekly calendars off of the monthly calendars. I have a calendar in my purse, at work and at home and on my computer.
I am completely insane. So now I have decided to make a new list. I am going to complete 101 Things In 1001 Days. This begins tomorrow Wednesday April 14, 2010 and ends Tuesday January 9, 2013

I stole this idea from Loving Mom Two Boys – she is my inspiration. I had no trouble coming up with 101 Things to do, I could have kept going but then it would make for a VERY long post.

Well, I won’t keep you waiting…so here it is (and nothing is in any sort of order, I typed as it came into my head)

1. Paint Kitchen
2. Paint Family Room
3. Take down all wallpaper in large hallway
4. Power wash house
5. Landscape the front yard (and then maintain it)
6. Catch up scrapbooking (and maintain it at least every 3 months)
7. Make a chore chart for my children and make them stick to it
8. Make a cleaning schedule (one for everyday tasks and one for big things)
9. Go through everyone’s closet and donate any clothes to Goodwill
10. Buy new pots and pans
11. Get Hubby an awesome lawn mower (we have a large yard and need a much better mower)
12. Get a swimming pool for the kids
13. Organize all scrapbook supplies
14. Go through all the 30 boxes of kids clothes in basement and decide once and for all what to do with them
15. Spend an hour each week with each kid alone
16. Sleep 7 hours a night EVERY night
17. Get a new bedroom set
18. Get a new bedding set (to match the new bedroom set)
19. Start packing for vacation only one week ahead (not a month ahead)
20. Stick to the Christmas budget
21. Lose 10lbs
22. Lose 20 lbs
23. Lose 20 lbs
24. Lose 20 lbs
25. Lose last 10 lbs
26. Quit smoking in 2010
27. Go to a marriage retreat with my husband
28. Read my bible
29. Become more active at church
30. Learn more about God, learn more stories
31. Take a financial class
32. Read 50 books
33. Drink ONLY water for one week
34. Build an emergency fund equal of 2 months paychecks
35. Make a will
36. Get 2 bookshelves and proudly display a lot of my books
37. Have Matt and kids get passports so we can go to Niagara Falls
38. Go one month with no fast food (does not include pizza)
39. Continue going once a month with the girls from church
40. Go one entire weekend with no internet/cell phone
41. Go one entire week wearing NO sweat pants or tops
42. Get a pedicure
43. Get a facial
44. Go on vacation Summer 2010
45. Go on vacation Summer 2012
46. Go to Idlewild summer 2011
47. Write one letter a month to a friend or family member (not email, an actual letter)
48. Complete budget for 2010
49. In December complete budget for 2011
50. In December 2011, complete budget for 2012
51. Visit my grandma 3 times a week at the very least
52. Organize DVD’s in alphabetical order
53. Keep food cupboards organized (new food in back)
54. Do not dye hair for 3 months- let it grow and get healthy again
55. Get more 4th of July decorations
56. Get more Christmas decorations
57. Get more Thanksgiving decorations
58. Wean my kids off fruit snacks
59. Start eating more sugar free foods
60. Play board games with kids once a week
61. Get a new fish and not let him die
62. Exercise 3 times a week at gym (I can get in free with my awesome health insurance card)
63. Try to make my bed every day
64. Get a new lap top
65. Get a smart phone
66. Get new couches
67. Send thank you cards after all the kids birthdays
68. Make a difficult cookie for the cookie party
69. Make a new dish each month
70. Eat home more often
71. Only have chicken nuggets and Mac n cheese once a week
72. Take trash to the trash can, I will not throw any more candy wrappers behind my headboard (yeah, I know, I’m like 5)
73. Stop sneaking sweets and if I do, only once a week
74. Only 2 McDonalds Frappes a week (does that count as fast food?? It’s only coffee right?)
75. Only go to WalMart, Target and Giant Eagle once a week.
76. Do not let the gas in my car get below ¼ tank
77. Take a pottery class
78. Join a book club through the library
79. Take kids to story time once a week (or every two weeks)
80. Commit to not committing to so much each week
81. Have a GNO at a hotel once a year with 3 close friends
82. Only have one selling party a year (ya know, like Pampered Chef, Tastefully Simple, PartyLite..etc, I could go on and on)
83. Go to each and every one of Emma’s cheerleading games
84. Try and be team mom for season 2011 for Emma’s cheer squad
85. Get an iPod
86. Spend 20 minutes a day talking with my husband without my children around
87. Get a new portable dishwasher
88. Shop more at discount stores i.e. Big Lots, Sav A Lot, Marc’s
89. Shop less for needless things
90. Get contacts
91. Play more Rockband and get really good so I am rock out with my brother
92. Be nicer to my ex husband
93. Blog at least once a week – shoot for 2 but will be happy with one
94. Twitter more often
95. Facebook a little less
96. Go on a date with my husband once a month
97. Get a houseplant and not kill it
98. Organize filing cabinet
99. Go through and organize ALL junk drawers through out the house
100. Save $5 for each item I complete off this list
101. Make a new list after 1001 days

OK, so I know that was extremely long, sorry. But now to the fun part!! The winner of the giveaway!!

I picked a winner the fancy way..slips of paper in a bowl…I know, I am so classy

And the WINNER is………………. Liz from Loving Mom 2 Boys

(Seriously weird since the whole post I wrote was I was inspired by
her post. I wrote the post then picked a winner)

So Liz, make sure you email your contact info as soon as you can!! And don’t forget to include where you would like to have the $25 gift card for!!!

And thank you all for the great tips - keep em coming!

Monday, April 12, 2010

It's coming....I pinky swear

I do have the winner from my very first giveaway BUT I am working on an awesome post with it, so please bear with me.....

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Anxiety...How I Love Thee

My anxiety level has been so high lately. I think I am going nuts. Just looking at my calendar makes my heart race....seriously...look for your self...
And this doesn't include moving. I have a seperate schedule that is broke down by week and inlcudes a moving schedule. It has how many loads o' crap that we need to get over each day along with any stores we have to go to, any appointments, birthdays, previous engagements etc. it's alot of crap to do and I am really starting to freak the heck out.




My old house is a mess, the new house is a mess. I feel like I can't get ahead right now. I am constantly laying in bed thinking about what should I pack next or what we are going to need or which curtains should go in which room, better yet, which curtin rods should go in which room. Then I start thinking about where all my pictures and decorations are going to go. It's like a hamster wheel in my brain. Seriously.




On top of all this I applied for a day shift position at the shelter where I work. And I REALLY want it. I want it sooooo bad. Working a first shift job would help my life so much. Workin midnight to 8am is rough, really rough. Sleeping is a pain, waking up is a pain. And it's a very lonely shift. Most of the time the residents are sleeping, my friends are sleeping, the freakin world is sleeping. I know I have said it before, but I thrive on stress. I work so much better under pressure. I need the stress. Of course my shift is stressful at times but it's not a constant.




So I am really nervous about it and I am praying so hard that it comes through for me. I really am.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

GIVEAWAY TIME

yes folks, it's that time!!

My very first GIVEAWAY!!

Before I tell you what I am giving to one awesome reader, I am going to tell you what you have to do.

Since I am still new to blogging I want some feedback. I want some advice. I want some constructive criticism (please don't be mean, I just might cry). I feel like my blog is not where I want it to be. It's difficult because I am all over the place. I blog about kids, family, job, personal struggles, weight...etc, I think you get the picture.

So just leave a comment with some sort of advice, feedback or constructive criticism and you could be the one lucky winner of a $25 gift card to........................

ANYWHERE YOU FREAKIN WANT!!

And since I live in Ohio, make sure you pick a place that I could actually get a gift certificate to like: Target, Starbucks, Bath N Body, Old Navy, Gap, McDonald's, Red Robin, Olive Garden, Best Buy, Staples, Toys R Us, Gap, Auntie Ann's, Lens Crafters...I think you get the picture. Any where you want (as long as I can actually get it)

So comment away - contest ends Sunday April 11th!!!

(remember don't be too harsh)

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Time is FLYING

I cannot believe how quick things go. Emma is going to be 8 in a few weeks...the boys are 3 1/2 and 4 1/2....they will both be going to preschool next year and Emma will be in 3rd grade.

Just seems so crazy how fast time is going.

We have started moving into our new house and so far things are going good. We have some work to do, lots of wallpaper removal but we are up to the challenge.

We finally got done telling most everyone. Everyone else who we didn't personally tell is going to get an email next time they check with our new address. So I assume my phone will be ringing with a ton of questions. And we are ready. We probably won't get into to much detail but I am ready.

Matt and I really prayed long and hard about what to do and moving is the right choice for us. We had the option of staying and we had the money to make up all the back mortgage but moving was the right, responsible choice for us.

I know people are going to talk about us. About how we are immature and can't manage money but oh well. Let them talk. Everyone has problems and we ALL know that. I guess I am a little different. I don't hide my problems. Matt and I are very open about our life. That offends some friends and family, but oh well. I just have nothing to hide.

I spent years and years of my childhood hiding things and I found that it is best for me that I don't do that anymore. I need to talk, I need my closest friends and family to know what's going on and I don't care if that make them uncomfortable. I also would prefer that people talk to me if they want to know something. If you have questions or concerns, please talk to me, don't talk behind my back. I hate that with a passion. A few of my friends are really good about coming to me but there are 2 that LOVE to talk behind my back, but you know what....oh well.

That is my attitude - OH WELL. It happens. And I have to put on my big girl panties and deal with it.

Our losing our house has stirred up alot of talk and that's ok. It really is. Like I said, Matt and I have talked and prayed and we are ok with this decision. The decision did not come lightly or quickly. It took lots of uncomfortable conversations and lots of 3am phone calls.

We are good. Life is good. Sometimes you have to close the book rather then turn the page.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Giveaway Coming Soon!!

I will be having my very first giveaway very very soon!! Watch for it!


Until then, I leave you with this picture!

This lovely jewel was found in Chase's ear 3 weeks ago. I took the boys in to the regular doc because they were both really sick and when the doc checked Chase's ear he suggested we go to the ENT because he had a "foreign object" stuck way down in his ear.

So we made the appt. at the ENT. The ENT gets his fancy goggle things and looks in his ear and sure enough there was something in there. The ENT even let me see!! It took awhile to get it out and I was getting kinda nervous because at one point the ENT said that he wasn't sure if he could get it and we might have to book an OR. I instantly got a nervous tummy! The jewel was located right on top of his ear drum and the ENT said it was blocking 100% of his hearing.

My poor baby!! The ENT was able to get it out but not without MAJOR screaming from Chase. We had to take him back in one week for a hearing test. The ENT was concerned because it was sitting right on top of the ear drum.

On the way home from getting the jewel removed, I was casually talking to Chase and he goes "Mommy, I can hear you now" - It made my heart break. I wish I had known that he shoved something in his ear. I could of helped him.

Later that night he said the same thing to Daddy, "Daddy, I can hear you now" It was awesome.

We took him for his hearing test last Tuesday and thankfully everything came out good. ENT dude said he has the normal allergy/sinus hearing loss but nothing significant. YEAH!!

So stayed tuned for the GIVEAWAY coming soon!

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Untitled

So we signed a lease on a new house!!



the house is amazing. It's so much bigger then our current house! It has a family room, living room, sun room, dining room, 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms and a very nice unfinished basement. The front yard and back yard are a nice size. It's in a kick ass neighborhood and has EXCELLENT schools!



Matt and I are super excited to be starting a new adventure! We have some work to do at the house (lots of lovely wallpaper) but we have the month of April to get the work done and we are going to move as much as we can before the big moving day May 1st. I figure we can get a lot done in a month. I took off April 5, 6, and 7 and we are going to bust out the wallpaper and hopefully the painting as well. Then we are going to start moving car load by car load, so hopefully come May 1st all we have is the stuff that couldn't fit in a car and then misc. items.



That's the plan anyways. Hopefully it all works out!



Did you check out my new blog design??? It's perfect. It's so pretty and fits me well. A big thank you to 2 Bird Designs. If you are looking to redesign your blog, she is definitely the one. It was so quick and painless and I am totally in love!

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Cha Cha Cha Changes.....

Things are changing....

Things are scary....

Things are going to get better....

After lots of talking, lots of lists, lots of tears, my husband and I have decided to let the bank take our house.

My husband filed bankruptcy in January and the house was included. We had the option to keep making monthly payments and keep it or stop making payments and forfeit the house. We decided to give it up.

There are many many reasons, too many to list here, but I will share a few. We are not financially stable right now. If something were to break or whatever, we would not have the funds to fix it. We cannot borrow the money from anybody so that is not an option. And I am talking about like if the kids were playing basketball and the ball went through a window...we would not have the $250 for a new window (and yes that's how much the very cheapest window is, the kids just broke 2 windows last July and it cost $510. Those were the $179 windows but with all the lovely add ins, it came to be $255 per window)

And what if the furnace goes (which it is getting ready), there are a lot of updates that need done and we are just not ready.

For those of you who know me, know that I have never wanted to own my own house. I was very content renting. Renting is awesome. Something breaks or something goes wrong, you just call the landlord. NOTHING out of pocket. Rent is like car insurance, if something goes wrong, the rent you have been paying for months and months comes in handy - the landlord takes care of almost anything that goes wrong or breaks.

My husband on the other hand wanted to own his own house by the age of 21. We pretty much picked the first house we saw. I was not happy from day one. I didn't like the layout, the flooring, the crappy work that the previous owners did, the back yard was the size of my hand and the lovely wood paneling EVERYWHERE. The fact that our mortgage payments started out at $925 and now they are $1161 - we just couldn't do it. After I got laid off last year and then came back, but I came back to .70 less per hour. My husband has a base wage and he makes commission, well commission has been waaaaaaayy down from what is has been. The cost of ALL our utilities has went up. We are paying almost $500 in gas to heat our home and part of that is because we have CRAPPY windows and a large bay window that you can feel the icy air come in (and yes, I have shopped around), the cost of gas for our cars and the cost of groceries. I am having a heck of a time trying to feel my family of 5 on $50 a week, and that includes toiletries. I dread when we are out of toilet paper or soap or shampoo because that comes out of the food money.

I can't say that I am not upset because I am. I feel like a failure and a loser. My husband probably feels worse because he knows he is the one who pressured me into this.

We are not telling our friends or family until we have signed a lease and out money down on a rental house. We plan on moving the first weekend in May.

We believe this is the best for our family right now. Matt and I believe that we deserve something better. We deserve to give our kids better. And if that means letting the bank take a house that we have paid over $30000 on in the past 3 years and our balance is more then the original loan because of late fees - then so be it.

We are going to be ok. My husband and I am going to be happy. Our kids are going to be happy.

(and if for some reason you know me in real life and you read this, please do not say anything to anybody until we annouce it first)

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Be on the lookout....

I am getting new blog design by Beth at 2 Bird Designs!! And I could not be more excited.

It took me a long time to decide if I wanted to invest the money into it but I thought long and hard and I am thinking I really want to keep blogging.

I love to write (even though I am not that good) It gives me a huge outlet. I can go on and on about whatever I want and no one is there to tell me to shut up.

It gives me a place to write down whatever crazy things that are keeping me up at night.

I have really fallen for blogging!

So be on the lookout for the new blog coming soon! And along with a new design, I am going to be doing my very first giveaway!! I want to show appreciation to my followers and maybe get a few more.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Puppies, Sunshine and Rainbows

I thought the title might get your attention.

It seems I have been posting some pretty deep stuff lately and I maybe my few but awesome readers need a much deserved break.

So today is all about random things.

  • while sitting in bed with my husband the other day, the kids were playing in the living room and I heard Landon (my 4 year old) call Emma (almost 8) a "doo doo butt shit". It was the funniest thing I had heard all day. Emma of course told Landon he wasn't allowed to say that. Then she came in and told on him. So we called him in there and literally yelled at him from under the blankets because we were laughing and smiling. I know, I am such a mature parent.
  • Landon and Chase got haircuts - picture to come tomorrow in my Tuesday Random Cell Phone Picture post
  • Emma starts cheerleading again. She has practice for a whole week in March 530p-730p, then tryouts are Saturday March 20th. I know she will do great.
  • And it happens hubby Matt is working a car show that day so that's going to be interesting trying to do tryouts with all 3 kids. Last year was LONG. Her tryouts were at 2 and I didn't get home until almost 7pm - oh well.
  • Our vacation is officially booked - Virginia Beach here we come (well, in like 5 months)
  • For Emma's birthday I decided I am taking her and 2 friends to a paint your pottery place, I think they will really enjoy that.
  • I am going to my grandma's house tomorrow and I am buying her pizza

And that about wraps it up. I am sure I can spew more mindless words but I am tired and have a ton of stuff to do - see ya'll tomorrow

Friday, February 26, 2010

I just really need to write and get this all out of my head....

Something really bad happened this week at work. I am going to blog about it because I need to get it out of my head and on the road to healing. One of the things that helps me heal is writing. I know I am not the best writer and all that jazz but it helps me. I am changing all the names (except mine) just in case someone I know is actually reading my blog. (Hi Pastor Brenda!!)

**Warning - Details may get graphic**

Wednesday approx 1215am

A client comes down and says Rachel cut her arms really bad and I need to go upstairs to the bathroom to take a look.

I still had another coworker here so she watched the phones while I went upstairs.

They would not let me in the bathroom. Rachel and another client Sally were in the bathroom.

I came down stairs and started to call my on call manager while co worker went up stairs to try and get in the bathroom.

Hung up with on call manager, resident Sally comes down bawling her eyes out and says "I should of told you yesterday, I'm sorry....her arms are cut really bad, I can see muscle, she needs to go to the ER"

I call my on call manager back who instructs me to call 911

I call 911 and they ask me like 800 questions and say they will be there shortly.

I went upstairs to get coworker out of the bathroom and asked her to come down stairs. Coworker was really shooken up at this point. I have not had the chance to see what actually happened.

As soon as EMS and police arrive at the shelter I take them upstairs where Rachel is still in the bathroom. I opened the door and Rachel is there with 3 other residents.

I see the bubbles, the bath water. I see the water is pinkish/ red. The bubbles around her breasts are pink with blood.

I calmly ask her to get out of the tub, get some clothes on and come down stairs. She pulls her arms out of the water and there is bloody water dripping off her arms. I see dozens and dozens of cuts on both arms. I see muscle coming out.

I must of been in work mode because I remember being so emotionless. I remember doing what I had to do for the Rachel and for the other residents.

After she got dressed, I helped get her downstairs to my office where the EMS asked her and I questions. They also wrapped her arms with bandages.

And off she went.

I remember I took some of the residents out for a cigarette and I smoked like 2 in a matter of minutes. I was still very detached. (My stomach is getting sick as I write this)

I called on call manager back and we talked about Rachel's kids, about clean up, about how me and co worker were doing. I was still detached.

About 20 minutes later on call manager called back and she asked if I needed her to come in..... I couldn't even talk. I was just bawling.

I kept going through these spurts of where I would clean for like 10 minutes then I would sit or stand and just zone out. It all felt like a dream - it still feels like a dream.

I remember having to put these blue latex gloves on and they smelled like cat pee. I had to strip her bed because there was blood over everything and I didn't want her kids waking up to the blood in the morning.

I remember my stinky blue gloves and the bleach spray and cleaning up the tub.

when on call manager arrived at the shelter my co worker and I were sitting in the hallway surrounded by the bloody linens and crying.

on call manager was a HUGE support for us. I am soooo glad she came in. While upstairs cleaning the bathroom and hallway carpet, the door rang. On call manager said it was the higher up manager. I answered phone (our door bell rings into our phone and you can talk over it) and it was Rachel. She was back.

Only after being gone for approx. 2 hours. she was back. She said the hospital did not see her as suicidal but she was only a cutter. They gave her pain meds and stapled her arm wounds. She walked in like everything was ok.

Then higher up manager arrived. On call and higher up managers both spoke with her for a while. Coworker and I finished cleaning up the mess.

After everyone had left or went to sleep, I didn't do anything. I went into the living room and watched TV. I was just so tired. My brain hurt.

I met with a counselor that specializes in PSTD (post traumatic stress disorder) today. My work provided this service to me and my coworker.

I told her how I haven't been able to sleep well, eat well, talk to anyone. I don't even feel like texting. I have been just laying in bed watching TV. The only person I have really talked are my coworker and the PSTD lady.

She assured me that all my feelings are very normal for someone who has witnessed trauma. She said even though Rachel supposedly didn't try and kill her self that what she had done and what we had witnessed was considered a traumatic incident.

She said I need to deal with the feelings and not push them down. When I see the images I need to see them then let them go out of head as easily as they came in. She told me not to fight it. To talk about it, to write about it. She said it would help with the healing process.

I feel crazy and confused right now. I still feel like I am having an out of body experience. I feel weird. My stomach still hurts and I can't sleep and I really want to drink.

I know I will get through this. I have a good support system. I have my husband and some friends at church who I know are big supporters. I just need to get through this. I have to work through all the feelings and emotions. I have to come out on top.

I have worked so hard to get to where I am now. I can't let this drag me down to that place.

(**post in long and poorly edited, sorry**)

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Random Cell Phone Picture Tuesday

I am starting a new Tuesday tradition for my blog. I am going to post on Tuesday's with the random cell phone pics that I have taken from the week. So let's get started......

This is the very large coffee mug my coworkers got for me while I was out sick. It fits a can of soup perfectly. I love it!

And here is Emma trying on her first pair of glasses ever. She was was so darn excited to get the glasses. At least now she will be able to read better and might move her grade from a B to an A in reading.


The huge snow mound in front of my house. Picture taken from the drive way.



Logan (my nephew) and Chase at my brother in laws birthday party. (I still find it weird to call him my brother in law since he just turned 6)


The lovely fence in my back yard. Yeah, we are gonna need to replace that as soon as the weather turns nice.



And last, my new hair cut. I actaully got it cut December 5th but it still looks like this.


Well, I hope everyone enjoyed the Random Cell Phone Pictures Tuesday!! Look for it again next Tuesday!!



Friday, February 19, 2010

Finally, a real post where you begin to to find out the real me

I started smoking at age 9. I had a friend, her name was Kelly too, she smoked and I wanted so much to be like her. She told me to turn around and take a hit off a cigarette. I did. I coughed. The next few months I smoked, but didn't inhale. I was closer to age 10 when I began smoking for real.

I smoked pot and drank the summer in turned 12 (my bday is August 2nd) I remember that night so clearly, even though I was completely hammered. My mother was graduating from her DUI classes (I know, we are so classy) and she had bought a bottle of Firewater to celebrate. She was running late and her friends started to arrive. The one guy, I will call him Kevin, asked where my mom's alcohol was. I showed him. He opened it up and asked if I wanted a taste. Of course I wanted a taste. I was 12 and I wanted to be cool. I ended up drinking 3/4 the bottle. I was already in my room by the time my mom came home and Kevin had told my mom he was the one who drank the bottle. He was trying to keep me out of trouble. From then on it was a blur. I know I woke up the next morning sick as a dog. I ran to the bathroom to vomit only to find out I had soiled my pajama pants. It was the most disgusting thing I have ever done. My mom came in and found me cleaning up the vomit and feces, she was mad. She grounded me. 3 hours later I went to a friends house to spend the night. That's how groundings work at my house.

The next summer my mom went to jail for 2 weeks. She left us in the care of her boyfriend, who I will call Dave. Dave was 22 years old. I was 13. I remember joking with my mom once that he was closer to my age then her age.

I was at home waiting for a friend to spend the night. Dave had the music up really loud. (It wasn't all that uncommon at my house. It was a party house) Dave gave me a cigarette while I was waiting for my friend to show up. We were in my mom's room. He wanted me to come sit on his lap. I did. He wanted me to give him a kiss. I did. There is more but I am actually getting sick to my stomach so I am not going to write about the rest.

I remember months later telling my mom what happened. She hit me. Hard. My heels made an indent on the wall. I was nothing but a "stupid bitch" who was trying to ruin things between her and Dave. That is the day I realized I hated my mother. I was telling her the truth and all she cared about was her men and drugs.

There are many bits and pieces I am leaving out. It's so hard to pick what to write and what not to write. I could probably write a book about all the stories. Just to speed things up here's a condensed version of my mother. She is a drug addict. She smokes pot and pops pills. She has been in trouble with the law more times then I can count. Up above when she was in jail, she was in jail for giving alcohol to minors. Our house was a party house. At any given time we had 2-3 extra people living with us besides me, my brother and sister. We had a ton of male friends, some female friends, some gay friends (who I caught having sex with another man). There was always a flow of people daily in and out of our home.

My sister and I had to find a way to lock our bedroom door. My mom always had parties on school nights and random people would come in our room. Our room was across the hall from the bathroom, that prolly had something to do with it.

First year of middle school. I had just turned 12 that August. On October 12th, I had sex with an 18 year old boy. It was a one night stand. From that day on I was a whore. I had sex with anyone who asked. This lasted up until I married my first husband.

My sister says that she has blocked out alot of her childhood. I wish I could do the same. I remember alot of drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, sex and beatings. I was the oldest. I was always getting in trouble for something, always. I always get hit first and the worst. And then I would take it out on my sister and brother. I would beat them like my mom beat me. It was awful. I was the school bully when I wasn't having sex with everyone. I got in so many fights it was crazy. I hung out with the wrong crowds, I did alot of drugs. I was a mess. I can't believe I made it through highschool alive and with no STD's. I did get pregnant once. No one knows about it. Not even my current husband. I miscarried. I think I was somewhere around the 2 month mark.

Where's my father you ask?? Hmmmmm, good question. He popped in and out of our lives. He always has a problem with pill popping and alcohol. He has been to jail and prison so many times, I have lost count. Last time I saw him was September of 2007. He called me from the local homeless shelter and asked me to see him. I did. he still looked like my dad. He talked like my dad. But he wasn't. I listened to him talk about missing us and feeling guilty all these years for leaving us. He said he wanted to be there but just couldn't. And now he is in a program with the homeless shelter trying to get back on his feet. This man couldn't remember things about me. He kept getting me and my sister confused. But then he started talking about my mom. He recalled so much about when they were young and in love. I think he really did love her.

He called me while I was out Christmas shopping during the end of 2008. He was having a breakdown. He said he got a job and new clothes but then he looked down and he had his "homeless boots" on. He said he just wanted his life to end. I told him I had to go.

Last I heard, he had the state pull all his teeth out. They were all rotted and he was waiting on dentures.

I hope that when he dies someone will tell me. I do want to be there.

I did have a turning point in my life. It was June of 1999. I was 19 years old and having fun. I was surrounded with a decent group of friends. I had met the man that would be my first husband. But I was still acting a fool. I was drinking and doing drugs but not sleeping around so much.

That night in June I was out with 2 friends, Billy and Jimmy. It was time for me to go home so we hopped in Billy's truck and started to head home. We pulled on my street and the first thing we saw was lights, lots and lots of police lights. There was cops cars, patty wagons, an ambulance. We pulled in the drive way and I jumped out and rushed in the house. Cops were all over. My mom sitting in the dining room crying harder then I had ever seen her cry before. My sister and brother were no where to be found. I asked my mom what was going on. She replied "They found it". I asked her "found out", she replied "the stash".

My mom and her boyfriend, who I will call Brian, (her future husband), were growing pot in the basement (also where her bedroom was). Somehow the police got wind of it and came in and did a raid on the house. They destroyed the house. Every single room looked like a tornado hit it. The really got my room. My room had the attic. The attic is good for drying out pot. My mom and her boyfriend went to jail but were soon released. The police threatened to take my sister and brother away since they were still minors. They were 16. The police threatened to arrest me since I lived there and knew about them growing in the basement. I begged and pleaded and lied to the police about everything. I told them I knew nothing and I was barely home and blah blah blah. Thankfully they bought it. I was ok.

That night changed everything for me. I did not want to end up a drug addict like her. I did not want to have 3 kids living in a hell hole like that. I wanted better.

And now I am almost 30 years old (less then 6 months!!) and I can say that I am finally there. I am finally ok. I am seriously ok. I do not have a relationship with my mother or father, but I do have people in my life that I call family. I have a great husband, children, church and a job that I love.

Speaking of my job...I am so thankful I am finally able to give back. I am finally able to help others that are going through domestic violence or sexual abuse. Each and every single person who walks through these shelter doors is someone really special to me. I can connect with every person. I can feel there pain and be here to cry on.

Without all the events that led up to my life now, I would not be able to be here to give these women and children the support they need. Everything that has happened in my life has been for a reason. It has taken me many years to sort everything out but now I know why. God was not punishing me. God was forming me into who he wanted me to be. Although most of my decisions took me from his path but now I am on track. I am on my little wobbly bike, riding to something great. And I will get there, I will. I know I will. I am doing it for my family. I want them to know the happiness and peace that can come out of all this.

Sorry for the extremely long post tonight but I really had to get somethings out and get them out of my head. I wanted someone to listen. I just wanted to talk and it is still hard for me to talk to people IRL about this. I wrote most of this post crying. Not even sure why. Somethings just really tugged on my emotions. Somethings still hurt. But I am going to be just fine. I have a new life and I have hope.

Let go, Let God.

Time to Vent!!!!

I am sooooo upset right now I can't even type right!! I am using the backspace like every other letter!!

Someone broke in my car AGAIN!! Who freakin breaks in a car between the hours of 830pm-1130pm??? Seriously????

I took the kiddos to McDonalds for dinner. I had my work bag on the front passenger seat. When I got to McDonalds, I searched all over for my wallet, then I realized I left it in my work bag. I reached in and got it and went in to McDonalds. We ate, came back out, went home. Got home around 830pm.

I came out for work at 1130pm and went to go put some papers into my BRAND NEW WORK BAG and quickly realized it wasn't there. I tore the car apart looking for it. I even went back inside to make sure I didn't take it in even though I knew I didn't. Because after McDonalds, we pulled in and I had to carry my Frappe in and look for Chase's missing stupid Happy Meal toy, so I know I didn't take it in because I couldn't at that point!!!!!!

So yep, all my work papers (not really important), my CHECKBOOK, my day planner, my silverware ( I take my own to work), pens, paper, MY WORK KEYS!!!! I work at the domestic violence shelter and my keys were all labeled, even the front door key. I am sooooo screwed. Out location is supposed to be private but there are people who know where the shelter is. I am sooooo nervous about those keys. And tomorrow when I tell the bog boss I know my ass is grass.

There was some other stuff in there but I can't think if it right now. My brain is just going a million miles a minute.

I have already decided to make a sign for the front yard, which I will edit this post tomorrow and add it. It's going to say something like "Thank you for stealing from this middle class family of 5 - AGAIN!! It's really making our day" Any other suggestions will be appreciated. And I am seriously doing it. That is after I go to the bank and put a stop on on my checks.