Thursday, March 26, 2009

One of my first big mommy moments...

I had one of those on saturday March 21st at approx 330pm.

Yes, I know I am a mom but sometimes, I just don't feel it. I mean, I am so many things, I am Kelly, I am a wife, I am an ex wife, I am sister, a daughter, cousin, Aunt, friend, and sometimes a drunk - LOL. So there are times where I just think it can't all be real.

Anyways, back to my story. I took Emma Saturday to cheerleading tryouts. She will be in 2nd grade next year and this is the first year she can do cheerleading. We have been practing all week for this, even my hubby got in line (he is soooo a cheer dad). Well, we get to tryouts and walk up to the door. We are all standing outside because of course we are not allowed in the actual building during tryouts. I am looking around at all the moms and all the daughters and actually alot of dads too (Matt had to work or I know he would of been there for her). And there I am hair not done, have this sweat / track suit on, I do have a little make up on. And I started to feel a little embarrassed for my daughter. But that's not my mommy moment yet.

At precisly 330, a coach comes out and tells the girls to come in and grab a number and be seated. It was that moment I grew up. In that few seconds, I realized my baby daughter, my first born was actually leaving and going and doing something on her own with no help of mine. I actaully teared up thinking my poor baby has to go in front of judges and be judged.

Emma looked at me and smiled with her goofy smile and said "bye mom". I don't know why but it felt as if she was leaving me, like really leaving me. I felt so alone at that point. My baby is not a baby. She is becoming a beautiful person who is starting to think and do things for herself.

I really cannot pinpoint my excat feelings. I just felt sad. She is growing up and it just hit me as she was walking in the building all by herself to go tryout in front of judges for cheerleading.

I admit, I felt kinda stupid standing there with the other moms getting teary eyed. I just love my baby so much and I know she has to go be her own person. I mean thats what I have been trying to do since birth right? I have been trying to make her into an acceptable human being. I have been trying to get her to do things on her own.

I just realized I have been blabbing and blabbing and even writing all this I can feel my chest get tight and I am fighting back getting teary eyed.

We had to be back at 400pm to pick her up. if she made the team we had a mandatory meeting from 5-6pm. So after the parents were allowed back in, I quickly walked to the room where they were and she runs so fast yelling " I MADE TEAM, I REALLY DID". And at the moment I felt so proud of her, I felt like a finally got something right. I did it. My daughter made the cheerleading team because I really raised her right (so far - LOL). I was so happy for Emma, and she was just over the moom. She was running around with her friends and I was texting everyone I know. I didnt care if they wanted to know or not, I wanted everyone to know that my baby girl was the cheerleader.

Well, I had better get back to work. I have alot ofwork to do - NOT!! Actually I picked up an extra shift so I am working 4-midnight at one of our shelters - good times.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

And My Decison Is.......

So I didnt end up taking either position. I emailed her on Thursday and asked for a meeting on Friday. I wanted to give her my decision face to face so she could she that I still have all my passion for the job, but the jobs that were offered to me I couldnt accept due to babysitting issues and finances.

I met with her at 11am and it went really well I was able to turn down both jobs and explain why to her face. I think she was able to see my passion and my issues with taking the jobs.

But even walking in at 11am I was still not excatly sure what I was going to say or do.

But.... she said she was working on another option for me. She could not tell me much about it except that is was the 16 hr job and another job here in Akron and it was weekdays during the day. I pretty much told her I would take it. She explained that she needed till Wednesday to talk to some other people and put everything in place. She seemed pretty confident about the position happening and she said she would call me by Wednesday to either offer me the job or tell me she needed more time to get it together. But it looks like I might me heading back to work alot sooner then I expected.

All I can say is that I am very happy with how the meeting went and I am very excited to hear the options on Wednesday if she has everything ready.

I just want to get back to work. I want to help the women and the children. I want to make a difference. Thats all I want to do. This is absolutley the hardest job (besides being a mom and wife) that I have ever had. It takes the most compassion and emotions then I know what to do with at times. And I am now starting to get the hang of it. When I fisrt started I was putting too much of my personal life into the job, putting myself in the situations, thinking, what if this was me and my kids. What is someone did this to me and my babies. I am learning how to seperate that and focus on the client. I am learning how to come home and really truly appreciate everything I have. I am learning to leave my work at work. Leave my emotions at work and pick them up the next day. Remind you, I said I am learning, I have not mastered that but I am surley learning.

I just want to go back :(

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Big things are coming.....

So here is my big dilema, I got a call yesterday from one of my bosses asking me to come the shelter staff meeting next Monday, so I could stay on top of things. I was over the moom thay they called and want me to come, that means I am still an employee and I am on there minds. Well today I get a call from the same boss offering me two positions, so here they are, then I am going to list all my concerns about all the options, so you better have your reading glasses on and a cup of coffee (or any preferred drink) cause this is going to get complicated.

Hours are as follows: Monday and Tueday 8 hrs each day ( I can work out the actual hours worked) and this is at one of the Akron shelters, which is like 2 miles from my house and the same shelter I have worked at before
Then....
Friday, Saturday and Sunday 4pm till Midnight at the Medina shelter, which is a good half hour away

so that would equal 40 hours, soooo.....

I dont know if I am ready to give up my weekends. I would be able to do nothing and lets not forget the drive and he gas money (my car gets about 14miles per gallon)

If I just take the 16 hour a week a job that is not enough to pay bills and I would lose my unemployment.

If I dont take any of them, I think that would look really bad and they might think that I am not serious about coming back.

And let me clarify, boss lady said she was "offering" me both, or either of the poistions.

Or, I could counter offer with this, I could offer to volunteer Tues, Weds and Thurs for about 4 hours a day doing the work of the 16 hr a week job and I could still collect my full unemplyment until mid july. That way I am still "working" and I am availabe for any full time position that comes up in the Akron area.

Or if I take the 16 a week job there is always the possibilty of picking up shifts, you know when people call off or vacation or such, after looking at the budgets and bills, we could pull this off with me only working 24 a week, but those sub shifts are not guaranteed

I just have a really bog decision to make and my mind is spinning. I really want to go back but I really dont want to work so far away and lose every weekend, if it was 8am to 4pm, sure I would take it, but it's not. I would have to leave me house by 315-330 to make it to work by 4, then I wouldnt get home until 1230 at the earliest and have to get up with the kids in the morning. Then on Sundays work 3-midnight and prolly be in to the other shelter around 9am

I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!

I am going to have to write this all down on a piece of paper and get all my thoughts organized and really think about this decision.

I really really really want to work there. I absolutley love it, so leaving is not an option, but if I dont take either of the jobs, then who knows what else I would get offered. And what if they get offened about the volunteerring to do the job.

But as a wife and mother, I do have to think about the financial well being of my family. I do have to put our needs first rather then mine. I have to make sure I make enough money to put food on the table and gas in the car and pay the bills we have to pay,

Sure Matt makes decent money but the reality is, it's not enough, I do have to work, I do have to pay some of the bills. I need to bring in $950 a month, thats what I need to contribute and by taking the 16 hour a week job that leaves me almost $350 short of that goal. With the 16hr job, I need to bring in about $100 more a week then what I would get paid.

I just dont know what to do. I am sooooo confused!!

Oh and this $950 does not include the babysitter, thats just what we need right now while I am not working when I start full time then we need to add $480 on to that. But I am not thinking clearly right now and things are getting so jumbled.

I just need to start a spreadsheet of all the options and sit down with Matt and figure out the best road to go...

And did I mention I had until Friday, Monday at the very latest- Ughhhh -Lord Help Me!!